having a hard time accepting my diagnosis

this may seem odd, but I was over joyed to be diagnosed with a bi polar disorder. it was like, finally, someone understands and can help me!

though my meds are helping, I have a hard time accepting the implications of it. no one is understanding and I was even made fun of for it. I am no longer open about it. I'm scared that I can't handle accomplishing my dream of going abroad because I went through a horrible hypomanic and depressive state when I studied abroad this summer. when I got back, my life fell apart and I really wanted to hurt myself and couldn't leave my apartment. I called for help and got it. I'm OK now. it scared me that it all could get that bad.

I am lucky that my disorder (cyclothymia) is not the most intense. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be type I or II. my heart goes out to them. however, I now realize that only 1% of the population has what I have and I fear that I will be forever misunderstood.

I am having a hard time accepting that I will have to be in therapy and probably medicated for the rest of my life. I am so grateful for my diagnosis because of the help I can get, but I am scared for how my life is going to be.

I'm sorry if I'm being dumb and dramatic. I just don't know how to feel all of this. can anyone offer me insight? I would appreciate it.

on a brighter note, I haven't had hypomania since I started my meds the hypomania caused me so much more trouble than the depression and made my anxiety hard to bear. I drink SO much less with my meds because I can now sleep. now, if I am sad, I can tell myself that I will be better eventually without fearing a hypomanic episode (which I used to call "one of my 'uncontrollable' moods. that's good, right?

I'm rambling. anyway, I'm OK if I'm never normal as long as I can live a "normal" life. insight? hugs? advice? :/

It takes time to accept a diagnosis, sometimes it takes people longer than others which is okay. It's great that you are more stable with meds and hopefully you continue your regiment. Get to know your patterns better and try to accommodate yourself when needed such as in college. Don't let one episode ruin your dreams, you can still go abroad if you are in remission (not manic or hypomanic) and have good coping skills. Therapy helps a lot and hopefully you will like it as time progresses. If you don't like your therapist you can always switch to a new one. Meds are quite helpful and have changed many people's lives for the better, but some people can function well without them by using coping skills such as CBT and DBT.

It took me 5 years to accept my diagnoses and to get treatment for them. I'm functioning much better now and I'm on honor in college plus I'm more physically active

Medicalfox is right---it takes everyone a different amount of time to fully process and accept a psychiatric diagnosis. Some people never do. It took me a year-and-a-half, and even then I had a three-month stretch of stability which made me think maybe I was misdiagnosed (yeah, RIGHT!). Should've known that was grandiose thinking....anyway, I'm a bit hypomanic and I'm probably rambling a bit, my point is NEVER knock yourself down for having a mental illness, it doesn't make you a bad person and you didn't ask for it. None of us asked for it! Take your meds, do your self-care and know that you have support here.

thanks so much guys!

It sounds like you're doing so well, and I'm happy for you!

As far as what happened in the past when you were abroad, as you say, the medication has helped, so try not to worry about it happening again --now that you've had some time stable, you can maybe have more confidence in yourself that you can handle what life throws your way. And going abroad can be such a wonderful experience, I wouldn't give it up.

I think most people do not understand mental illnesses in general, and I don't think bipolar disorder is necessarily so unique in this sense. And those who have been diagnosed with a mental illness are not alone is this misunderstanding either: most people don't know much about diabetes, or what it is like to have it, despite the fact that it's so pervasive (in the U.S.). Those who are not poor likely do not understand very well what it is like to be in this situation. Those who are single may have a hard time understanding what it is like for those who are married with children. And there is stigma all over the place about all kinds of things.

I think like anything else about ourselves and our situations, we choose what to share with others (and which others) depending on various factors: the closeness of the relationship, the trust, if you think they may be supportive, if there's some practical reason at all to share it, etc. Bipolar Disorder certainly isn't the only thing many others don't understand about me. I really don't expect people to. That's why god invented therapists -and also the few trusted others we truly let into our lives and our hearts and souls.

And it might be helpful to not think in terms of forever. Who knows, maybe you'll be able to get off meds one day. Maybe therapy will help you with coping with certain things that will help you with your mood, maybe therapy will help you with ways of thinking of things that will also help you with your mood. You may be able to put this behind you someday --the possibility at least exists.