I desperately want to be functional again

...maybe it's just a fantasy?

maybe it's impossible?

was there a difference between 'out of control' and just 'what I did that day?'

was there one?

I went near and far and terrorised only inside my head...
there was never any limits and I slept like a baby ...
not a screaming baby!..

life has an expanse around me I have discovered by some un-fortunate devious plan from the gremlins that were hidden and only awoken by some "crap" I will never comprehend!

it seems to me that yes I did feel some latent pressure building within my skull and deep inside my personality

I worked harder than anyone I ever knew...
I was employed in some really difficult jobs...

I worked so hard and was admired for my efforts I remember waking up in a hurry to get to work....to do a really top job!

something scrambled my brain...
sure I took drugs and drank...

but I easily bypassed the side effects of all that...

from this city to the next from one job to another...

I never knew there was something inside me above all...

and so much more powerful than anything I had ever experienced...

so many failed friendships and so many failed jobs so many disasters with girlfriends.... I ran so far with this dis-order..

probably further than anyone is supposed to run...

I believed I was just living and that all these problems would also be understood by others and therefore I could have someone to share them with...

but no

so the question remains..?
was I ever functional?

I sure hope so

but I doubt it

Yes, you were functional - I used to be too. But obviously things went wrong.
It's possible to get it back or try for it, why not... who knows how long on this planet.

I had a dream about you this morning, we were in your country, you took me to some Hawaiian Heritage Show. The food to order scared the heck out of me, they wanted you to order lady duck or male duck and I couldn't deal, so you were kind enough to order. Then we saw 2 friends of yours, they were friendly and teasing playful, but wearing a bit too much cheetah print tight clothes & hairspray - that's about all I remember, but I had a very nice time. lol.

that is outstanding!!

incredible...

your imagination saves you

...

your experience is much the same.....
we must be audacious and confident about....
about us......

there is room to fill me up lost!

and I have to remember me

I need a good movie to watch... can't decide. I'm obviously not going to be sleeping tonight, already did a lot of work with overseas since it's their biz day, took a personality quiz, decided on a new career, searched up new places to live! Oh yes, and ate all the ice cream, oops... I wish they did candy bar delivery at 4am I'm in no state to drive anywhere this sleep deprived, but if I was....I would eat everything in sight.

My imagination is good, yes, lol. But is it torturous because it will never be real?

Oh yea, my new career personality test says I'd make a fabulous philosopher - how fun would that be!!!? Wait - who would pay me? haha

[quote=BlueInanna;3371832]I need a good movie to watch... can't decide. I'm obviously not going to be sleeping tonight, already did a lot of work with overseas since it's their biz day, took a personality quiz, decided on a new career, searched up new places to live! Oh yes, and ate all the ice cream, oops... I wish they did candy bar delivery at 4am I'm in no state to drive anywhere this sleep deprived, but if I was....I would eat everything in sight.

My imagination is good, yes, lol. But is it torturous because it will never be real?

Oh yea, my new career personality test says I'd make a fabulous philosopher - how fun would that be!!!? Wait - who would pay me? haha[/quote

...no worries, we can philosuffer together
you honey C are too expensive and me too

Well said, dubblemonkey. I can certainly relate.