[BlueInanna]

I want to hear from people who experience RAGE....
I've been in a mixed, and feeling like a failure I'm going back on meds.

Pdoc might be able to get me in tomorrow - or I wait until Monday.... nice, right, pay full price, no insurance accepted for 5 + years, never asked for an urgent appointment from her ever, and she can't make time to see me urgently. Whatever that's life. Let the bp mom just go totally crazy and end up in hospital....

My question is this: Do you tell your pdoc or T about your Rage issues?

I'm scared to. I'm scared they'll make notes about me and send police to my house. I'm not planning on acting on it. Worst I've done was drive my car into a low old tree stump in my yard over & over thinking it would smoosh (it didn't), or breaking some dishes then cleaning them up, and I've smashed a couple guitars & thrown some lawn chairs in the bushes, oh yea and yelled at the nosey neighbors...

I'm full of rage I hate myself and this evil world. I want out. I have no "exit" plans. I have no plans to hurt anybody. But I'm suffering and think all these pissed off thoughts that won't stop. I end up holding my head crying thinking, wtf is wrong with me, I want them to leave me alone.

I do obviously have trust issues. And with good reason in my opinion. Anyone here who knows me well would agree it's good reason. Mostly having to do with watching my older 2 bp teens get 5150'd and hurt by police, when we were asking for help, that's the advice, you have to call police for help, and they're not always nice, not even close.

So ----- what can I tell pdoc about my irritability and rage? Is she going to report me? Take away my drivers license? Should I tell her how much I hate my life and I will grit my teeth so hard they might break off? That I don't give a hoot if this planet gets hit by that nearby comet? That I hate other drivers and traffic? I hate the world? I hate her for taking 2 days to call me back?

I dont think she can tell on you unless you intend to harm yourself or somebody specifically. Just talking about rage in general isnt going to get you in trouble I shoudnt think. I hope you get the help you are looking for

[gayleggg]

I agree with emomom. Your psychiatrist can't help you if you aren't honest about your feelings. You need help in trying to find out what is causing all this rage. If you are on medications, it could be caused by one of them or maybe you need a different one. Only your doctor can know how best to help you with your rage.

[thickntired]

I'm sorry your feeling like this, and I can relate. I told my pdoc that I was feeling homocidal and suicidal due to a medication issue. He just contemplated putting me into the hospital. I told him that I felt I could get through it with the proper medication and promised to go to the ER if the meds didn't help. I agree that if you're not honest then the ppl trying to help are at a big disadvantage.

TnT

[BipolaRNurse]

You MUST be honest w/ your pdoc about your rage. He can't help you if you don't give him ALL the information. I know what it's like to not want to tell you doctor everything (I'm in that situation right now) but you have to. I also know what the rage thing is like, I have it too and once threatedned to kill someone at work. My pdoc knows this. He also knows that I used to throw things, punch refrigerators, and go after people with yard tools. None of that has happened since I've been medicated though.

[IndieVisible]

Rage is not enough to call the police or send you to the hospital. So no worries about confiding about your rage, do it. As mentioned already, only IF they feel you can be a danger to yourself or some one else would they break their confidentiality code. And they will tell you too.

[Charly1]

I have suffered from rage. That overwhelming feeling to yell, scream, throw something, hit something or someone or even worse. And while the rage is pumping through your body there is nothing that you can do about it. That voice in your head is saying just stop it, but you can't and then you eventually cry, the rage goes away but you feel horrible for all that you said, all that you did. And you are thankful that you didn't physicaly harm anyone eventhough the verbal assault was most likely worse.

I did tell my pdoc and T about it and got the medication that I needed. For now, I no longer have that rage and I love it. So please be honest with your pdoc and let them know what's going on. You will feel so much better when that horrible rage is gone.

[Victoria'smom]

I have told them about my rage, usually while laughing, even vividly describing my homicidal and SI thoughts. They know at times I have to have isolate myself from my family so I don't hurt them and will injure myself before my family. What my T and pdoc say is to make sure I take my seroquil. They ask if I'm 'play' fighting with only my husband and dog. They ask how my son is doing, if he's been hanging out with his friends, If his friends are allowed over currently.

Telling her how you mad are, rant and rave all you want it's good for her to see what your mixed is like so it's easier to treat you in the future.

[~Christina]

Blue

I agree with everyone .. Be hones
Don't feel like a "failure" because your going on meds. You are very brave requesting it. I just had to pop back on an AP. Doesn't mean I will always be on it. But for now I agree I needed something.

[BlueInanna]

She didn't call & say the noon appt opened up tomorrow
I'm so paranoid - like she wants to see how bad I can get...
Rationally it makes no sense obviously I'm not her only client.
But waiting until Monday - maybe I'll be better by then & won't need meds.
I asked a gf today about the local adult behavioral health unit - her mom works there.
She tried to help but said she was only hospitalized once for an ED and escaped, other than that she didn't know much about it. I will do everything possible to avoid that.

But if pdoc sees no urgency, maybe I will calm down and be ok come Monday. Certainly would save a $400 visit. I really need to find one who takes my insurance.

I'm mostly honest with pdoc, I have admitted my road rage, pulling my hair out, etc... But everything is too on the brink right now. I need to be able to work. And sleep. And not scream.

[Zabine]

This rage sounds like me. It is the worst. Then the guilt................

[Victoria'smom]

I always paranoid before seeing pdoc.

[BlueInanna]

Dammitdammitdammit!!!! She can't see me until Monday
Isn't it ironic?! *enter maniacal laughter*. I want to break something but I won't. Dammit. I want to be well & fine and tell her I don't need an appointment...
Maybe I won't need an appt & meds by Monday - if I weather through this episode, I could likely have a long period of stability.
No answer feels right. So disappointed & irritated. Weird things cross my mind to get hospitalized cuz I'm curious. I'd be caged but maybe I'd get the rest I need.
Screw this stupid system.

[dubblemonkey]

[quote=BlueInanna;3371659]Dammitdammitdammit!!!! She can't see me until Monday
Isn't it ironic?! *enter maniacal laughter*. I want to break something but I won't. Dammit. I want to be well & fine and tell her I don't need an appointment...
Maybe I won't need an appt & meds by Monday - if I weather through this episode, I could likely have a long period of stability.
No answer feels right. So disappointed & irritated. Weird things cross my mind to get hospitalized cuz I'm curious. I'd be caged but maybe I'd get the rest I need.
Screw this stupid system. [/quot..

...so sorry C, you really having a skull eruption!

I understand it...
one thing I remember is that I am typically the only one who knows just how bad it feels..

and that is never good enough with rage pure fury
...
I could tell the day would end up with a night fighting with cops and hospital guards strapped dribbling to a bed thing...

it's difficult so bad being unable to stop choosing the agonising validation than something much more gentle

..and yet whats worse is the streetwise self smarts to avoid all the crap and sit around with emotional lava in your head!

I hope you will be ok C