[bluewind]

I wonder when I will die and how. How many more years must I suffer? What if my husband dies? He's not in good health. How will I live? I haven't enough money and am too sick to work. How can anyone be happy with life when we will all die. It will be over.

[deelooted]

I am so sorry that your husband's health is suffering. What do you believe happens when we die? I have had experiences that have convinced me there is more to life than this...

[gayleggg]

I, too, ruminate about death and dying. Wishing it would be soon so I would be out of my misery. I've even gone so far as to purchase my tombstone and pre-planned my funeral. I though that would give me peace of mind but it hasn't. But I do believe there is something more after death. I believe in a devine being. So, I try to not thinkg about it and leave it in God's hands, but I have this issue with wanting to have control of things. So you are not alone.

["Tilly may"]

I too think about death alot .. and i too wonder if my husband dies what i will do. i think about like if I were to die i would not have to suffer anymore. But I must live , i have two children and a good husband. i would never act on it, but I dont mind if its my turn to go. Ive had a good life. Instead I am trying to be thankful for each day and to embrace each smile and kind word that comes my way.

[BipolaRNurse]

I wonder if this really is a common theme with us BPers. Even when I was a kid, I was obsessed with death and wondered if anyone would be sorry if I died; now as an older adult, I remain fascinated with it, and in many ways I see it as the ultimate adventure.

As a nurse, I've seen a lot of people pass on, and while most do so peacefully, I've witnessed a few who I fear may have seen something terrible as they were leaving this life---the look of horror in their eyes was something I'll never forget. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it. That's why I hope I'm in good standing with the Lord when it's my turn, which is one reason why I didn't commit suicide a year-and-a-half ago. I was too scared that it would be the one unforgiveable sin and I'd go to Hell for it. I'm still too scared. Which is probably a good thing.

From my short cycle view if low gets low enough or lasts for days the word "death" issues unbidden from my lips. Thought it came w the territory. No divinity issues here but as long as others depend on me or would even be saddened, I will not take an early exit. I wish the best for your husband health wise and suggest reasons to go on can arise unexpected when needed. PS I acan not help but look forward to my demise but am resigned to wait...heard good things come to those that do.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bluewind

How can anyone be happy with life when we will all die. It will be over.

I think that our mortality is a good thing. It is a constant reminder that our time is limited, so we must live our lives to the fullest. Show your husband how much you love him, or plant a garden, or sing a song - all of those wonderful and cherished things are so wonderful and cherished precisely BECAUSE our time on the Earth is limited. Mortality gives us a sense of urgency - say, I am super busy now, what with a very important interview on the 20th, but I will mail thoughtful Christmas cards (YES!!! Not E-Cards, but real cards) to my many friends, savoring the fact that I have them and realizing that for some (I know a couple in their 90s - I met them when I was 11) my cards this year may well turn out to be last.

I know for myself that I do not want immortality - I want a good, hopefully long, life, but I do not want immortality. I think that death is a good thing (I hope to avoid painful death, as I am sure everybody does) - it is the prospect of death that creates the urgency to do good things.

[token451]

I notice there are times that I long for death, being Christian I believe something great waits on the other side and I cannot wait for it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that even though living with bp means suffering nearly every day, there are still things to be done before I die. Whenever I get unrelenting thoughts of 's', I remind myself of people who would miss me and that I would be causing them pain. I do have all same questions but realize that if I had the answers I would have even more anxiety and fear of the future.