[BNLsMOM]

My husband won't touch me even when I ask and I hardly ever ask any more. He doesn't like when I touch him. I am starving for nurturing touch. Massage is good but it is different because I pay them and it is their job. The only nurturing touch I ever get is from my chiropractor. He seems to genuinely care about making me feel better. I wish I could be his friend. He seems to be a sincere and caring person. I ran into him at the bank yesterday and he stopped and had a conversation with me as if we were friends rather than a quick and hurried hello that you often get while running into people during errands.

My husband also has a tendency to call me the B word. I have told him countless times to not call me that. Lately he says that it just slipped out. That says to me that it is always there just under the surface. When I ask him to touch me or to be intimate he says that he can't. He is perfectly happy petting and scratching the dog a lot.

I want to take charge of my happiness and that may mean a separation or ending the marriage. That opens a whole new set of issues like money and custody battles and I would likely lose and become homeless because I am the mentally ill one. So which is better, staying and dying a little inside each day with the rejection and being called the B word, or separating and losing everything?

Being unhappy in my marriage is what precipitated my bipolar diagnosis and has been a common theme in my episodes. We pathologised everything and decided it was all due to my bipolar. I don't think so. I think my bipolar has been exacerbated by my unhappy lonely marriage.

I am at my breaking point and I don't really know what is best for me and my kids right now. They love him very much and would be crushed if he weren't around. I don't want to break up the family, but can I deal with this unhappiness much longer?

[monochromatic]

Has your husband explained why he doesn't touch/like to be touched? Seems like there's something unspoken going on with him.

[BNLsMOM]

He says he doesn't know. We have talked about it in therapy for 5 years. He did once say that he was not attracted to me because of the weight I put on with meds and that I am "not the most pleasant person to be around" during my periods of illness. Would he treat me this way if it were cancer?

[BNLsMOM]

The confusing part is that he is not mean all the time and he even says that he loves me. I just don't feel it. He acts like everything is perfect and gets upset and angry when I point out or say that it is not.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

My husband won't touch me even when I ask and I hardly ever ask any more. He doesn't like when I touch him. I am starving for nurturing touch...

BNLsMOM, I cannot even express to you how much I understand, relate to and empathize with you on this. So painful. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this terrible hurt. and !

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

He says he doesn't know. We have talked about it in therapy for 5 years...

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

The confusing part is that he is not mean all the time and he even says that he loves me. I just don't feel it...

I was thinking something, and as soon as you said you just don't feel it…that was the clincher. Now, we've both been here for years, so you know I am soooo not a person to go touting stuff. Especially stuff that has turned into some sort of of enterprise. SO! Sweep all that crap away -- all I really want to share is the very core of the thing.

Are you familiar with the 5 love languages? The guy who put it together is of a religious bent which I do not share, and still I totally recommend it. To anyone. It is a concept worth knowing. Religion, let alone any specific variety, is not part of the concept, which keeps it useful for anyone. (And any other references outside the concept itself can be easily ignored. Or not, if that is your POV. Now, with that no-offence-to-anyone disclaimer out of the way...).

Basically, we feel/receive love when it is spoken in our language(s). If someone is speaking one of the love languages that doesn't float our boat, we don't really feel that as love, and the other person is confused, wondering how they could be missing the mark. ('But I do this that and the other, how can they not get it?!') So, you got it -- each person needs to learn what the OTHER person's language(s) are. And use them. We naturally tend to operate in our own language because it's what comes naturally, and, well isn't it obvious? Isn't that how to show love? Well, yes, but maybe not the best way(s) to reach a certain person.

Anyhow, the 5 are *physical touch*, "*acts of service*, *quality time, *words of affirmation* and *receiving gifts*. Now, for those not familiar, no jumping to conclusions [ sex! materialism!] because they're much more encompassing than that.

Hopefully, this is of some use. I really couldn't say what you should or shouldn't do. All I know is that just off the mark communications can really add up over time, and spread into areas they didn't even start out in via resentments, etc. so this might be something worth considering, because it can really go to the root. In a gentle and sincere way.

Hope I have not overstepped.

[BNLsMOM]

Thank you Innerzone. I have heard of it before but never had anyone explain it to me. I will check it out. I doubt, though that calling me the B word is love in any language... I will check it out and maybe my husband would look into it too. He tends to not care about that kind of stuff but maybe if I can get our T to present it to him somehow...

I really am at the end of my rope and have my doubts but I am willing to try it for the kids' sake.

I figured it might be a long shot, but it's the only thing I could think of, so might as well put it out there, right? Best of luck to you, wishing all good things for you!

[manymiles]

The site experience project has a group called "I live in a sexless Marriage". While it does not specifically address how it impacts bipolar illness, it may be of use to you.

[BNLsMOM]

Thank you manymiles. I will google that. It has gone beyond being a sexless marriage, unfortunately... No physical abuse but I would go as far as to say there has been some emotional abuse through the years, whether he realizes it or not. His father is awful to his mother so it was how he was taught to love unfortunately.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by monochromatic

Has your husband explained why he doesn't touch/like to be touched? Seems like there's something unspoken going on with him.

There have been times that he has "taken care of his own needs" in front of me in bed and has woken me up. Most of the time I don't say anything because it is an uncomfortable topic but the couple of time I have said something he says he wasn't doing anything. About a month ago I woke up to him doing this while looking at something on his iPhone. I assume it was porn. He wouldn't admit it. I know that most people do this at some time or another, so that's not the issue. The issue is that he is not doing it in private.

Today I am shocked and somewhat disgusted. We were in the living room with the kids. The kids are watching Looney Tunes. My husband had his laptop on his lap, open. I happened to glance his way and there he was going at it. He was definitely not scratching an itch. That doesn't last 10 minutes with different intensities and breathing patterns. I know he went all the way to orgasm because I am not stupid and I have heard him do it before.

Right in front of the kids. What if they asked what he was doing? They didn't notice what he was doing, I think. I hope. I am glad they didn't see his computer screen. When he was done, he happily got up and went into the kitchen to make breakfast for the kids.

WTF!? What was he looking at on his computer? Of course it was probably a porn video on mute, but I can't help but think he has an online "relationship" with someone. But come on, in front of the kids right in the living room?!

[BNLsMOM]

So I just asked him about it and he says he was scratching a bad itch. Not sure I believe him.