[UpInTheTrees]

So I'm really hating myself now.

I'm going through a bunch of transitions and I'm bugged by alot of things in my life.

First, I'm sensitive. I've always envied the "jocks in high school' that seem have had it easy with everything, girls, grades, success. They never seemed like the type to go on a site like this and vent. I know its a shallow thought but it lives in me.

Second, I have layers and it bothers me. I am addicted to porn in particular foot fetish porn, and I've been trying this NO FAP thing, meaning give up porn and masterbation for a week to a month to 60 days. I have relapsed severely and it depresses me everytime I do it now. I reset my special stop watch on the ipad a few times these last three days constantly.

Third, I find my fetish frustrating because its weird and its hard to break; it extends to soccer sandals and I have a pair and get off quite often. Please don't judge, I judge myself harshly already and get sad that I will never find someone that understands or supports this. Plus it questions my sexualty that make its worse, i am straight.

Fourth, sex is something I think about alot and I use masterbation as a coping method- bad very bad. I don't get as much as I like and I feel my self confidence is shoot.

I'm bi-polar. I have creative thoughts.

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This is a big problem: how do you guys sort it?
I want to be able to do what I want follow my dreams, make my own decisions. However, I felt debilitated when I am depressed so I need to listen to others so that they can get me out of bed when I am in a rut.
I feel this is contradictory sometimes. My brain wants to do all these things, but I need to just make it out of the bed sometimes and go to the gym, eat, take my medication. Its tough.

Essentially, I'm a bed bug and so I close down and the remedy seems to let others dictate what I should do to get better, because my thinking or decision is to stay in bed, jack-off, stay isolated. BUT the ideal is to being doing what I want to do, I'm in charge.

This all floats in my head, because I graduated in December and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I have so many ideas, some are what I really want to do but involve risk that might impact my condition.

I want to see what its like to work and run a backpackers hostel overseas.
concerns:
-right now i'm in a depression spell
-medication is consistent but routine and confidence is poor
-my heart says go, but brain says built routine and self efficacy 1st
-I feel impatient want it right away, but I don't try because I'm afraid. But I want to so much that bothers me, then I get depressed, and isolate, nothing is accomplished. (i have been feeling like this for the last 2 weeks and I have slowed down engaging with friends and upkeeping myself.

**Finally, I feel I need to be in zone, or "ready to start" but that ready never comes, its like a fantasy in my head. I picture myself in the library, happily working...I plan it for the next day, I will wake up, shower, etc, etc, and then it never happens. Something sideswipes it. I dont go though and then I long to do it.

I never accomplish what I want.

I hate myself, I hate it.
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[Happy Camper]

That's not too uncommon a fetish. Have you ever brought it up in therapy since it bothers you so much?

I, too, suffer from failing to turn thoughts into actions. When that's the case, it might be best to start slowly if you aren't able to throw yourself into a situation, doubting you'll land on your feet. Good things proliferate good. Bad things, bad.

In my dreams I once climbed a mountain. On top there was a mirror where my reflection said he saw only an ant hill and then I was pushed off the edge and told told to grow wings.

[UpInTheTrees]

Thanks for writing back Happy Camper,

I have brought it up in therapy a few times, but I played it off as no big deal. I tend to do this, I can hide things from my therapist. Others in fact, I don't want to do this anymore. I feel it harms me.

Happy Camper, I don't understand the mirror and ant hill dream. Could you explain it?

I have been open more to my friend, so far I texted her yesterday and this morning as a help.

Does anyone go through these things? ie: only tell or talk about good things, and isolate and hide the negative. I do this; and I think people always think, I'm a happy go lucky person.

On the bright side this morning, I didn't look at porn and am trying to stay away from it for the day.

[Happy Camper]

I've never been able to fully disclose everything in therapy, either. I also play up some things and downplay the other issues that deserve more attention.

I think the dream was my alter ego looking at my challenges and putting them in perspective. What seemed like a mountain was just a tiny hill of dirt, but only if I wanted it to be.