[tabby]

after being diagnosed with major depressive disorder i found my way to a new doc & therapist who say im bipolar.after reading about it & going back over my life so far it has made so much more sense. the baffling thing is that during all of my manic episodes i have been drunk as im also a recovering addict. i can remember in my late teens/early 20s having sex with many different men or doing sexually spontaneous things at parties but most of the time when i was drunk. i met my husband & this all stopped until a few incidents where i would sleep with men for crack. one time even telling an elaborate lie saying i was going to meet grandparents at mall & then pick my husband up from work so i could disappear & go find drugs. i ended up sleeping with a man & letting the drug dealer use my car all night in exchange for the crack. this was even when i knew i was pregnant. i got sober at 25 & stayed sober for 5 1/2 years. i picked up the bottle again & had some very bizarre behavior where id disappear up in the woods, under the railroad trussel in the freezing cold, & also laying in the bathroom floor & plucking my iud right out. im so embarrassed & ashamed of all of this but what confuses me is i read where manic behavior cant be a result of alcohol or drugs. ive had major despression & painful shyness ever since early childhood. i remember times feeling everyone was against me & had angry outbursts at school & just being angry at the world. ive always been an intravert & very nervous & paranoid. i had a phase a couple years ago where i was abusing xanax then id drink redbull & compulsively exercise at all hours of the night. im a born again christian & theres days i get up ranting & raving throwing my hands around & cussing for no reason. recently i had a spell where i started to compulsively overeat & i was so disgusted all i wanted to do was sleep the day away so i abused my klonopin & ran out. during the past couple of years ive started cutting & burning myself with cigs. just the mood swings ups & downs feeling like im going crazy & self-hate get so overwhelming. i dont have any friends i isolate myself & avoid my family. husband or nobody else in family understands except for my dad who has mental illness. i feel so alone except for having God. i dont mean to go on and on or give details but i was just hoping someone might read this & reply. im glad i found this place cuz its very helpful.

[bizi]

Dear TAbby,
You have struggled alot!
I hope that you are on the road to full stability and more controlled moods and lifestyle
glad that you found it here as well.
bizi

[PlanningtoLive]

Welcome to PC,

It's good that you got diagnosed correctly and hopefully you're on the right meds that will help you. You've been through alot in your life. I hope things improve for you soon.

[JonB]

Bipolar disorder and addiction often go hand in hand. The theory is that bipolar sufferers sometimes self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Using drugs and alcohol when you're manic doesn't mean that it's causing the mania. When manic, people notoriously use bad judgement so it's not surprising that you would be drunk when manic (or depressed). I always do things I regret when manic.

If you're not already working with a psychiatrist and/or therapist, I highly recommend it. Community mental health organizations can be very helpful for locating a doctor that fits your needs and budget. Even if you don't have insurance, there are programs that can help you. Medication and/or therapy can really help get your moods and behaviors regulated and easier to control. It also helps to have a professional on your side who understands what's going on and how you feel. If you can get your moods regulated, you might find that you don't need to rely on some of your more destructive behaviors.

One thing is for sure, if you don't get help, things probably won't get any better. Welcome and good luck.

[biplol]

(((((Tabby)))) I can realte to you in SO MANY LEVELS!
WElcome to PC, PM me anytime you need a ear to hear you, I'll be there.
~hugs~

[RainbowFaerie]

Welcome! There is lots of good info and nice folks here!

RF

[tabby]

thanks everyone for making me feel welcome here. i have a psychiatrist & therapist im going to & at this place they are really kind & caring. im in the process of getting my meds straight. before i had just always been treated for major depressive disorder & this is the first doc ive seen thats said bp even the very first time he saw me. ive only been just enough to skim the surface & with my therapist visits i have had i didnt realize how much pain ive been in. im just so grateful God led me there & like i said a lot of stuff makes so much more sense now.

[RainbowFaerie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
tabby said:
thanks everyone for making me feel welcome here. i have a psychiatrist & therapist im going to & at this place they are really kind & caring. im in the process of getting my meds straight. before i had just always been treated for major depressive disorder & this is the first doc ive seen thats said bp even the very first time he saw me. ive only been just enough to skim the surface & with my therapist visits i have had i didnt realize how much pain ive been in. im just so grateful God led me there & like i said a lot of stuff makes so much more sense now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is pretty close to where I am, although they are still deciding if I am bipolar II yet. They always said dysthymia or major depression before, now they say PTSD and possibly bipolar II. Keep posting!

RainbowFaerie

[tabby]

well im learning the hard way just like with everything else that drinking cup after cup of coffee makes my brain feel like its firing neurons 1000 miles an hour. with this comes unbearable paranoia, anxiety, & i just feel paralyzed in panic. no sleep last night cuz yesterday i did the same behavior. im ocd also so its hard to control counterproductive behaviors even though i know theyre gonna send me into this state. i know im ultra sensitive to caffeine yet i do this over & over. i just wanna lay down & go into a deep rem sleep for just a few hours. by Gods grace & answered prayer i was able to get 1 & .5 xanax but that brought me back down to normal but not enough to go to sleep. i get my klonopin refill tomorrow thank the Lord & i had to learn the hard way not to pop them like candy but take them the way theyre prescribed. my husband is gonna keep them & give them to me cuz its too much temptation if theyre in my hands. 29th is my therapist appt & i cant wait to see him. also today it hurt me like i wasnt already in a bad enough state. my mom called & wanted me to go out shopping & i told her i was having a bad day with high anxiety. she sarcastically said "u have alot of bad days. a couple of weeks ago i had a bad day." i dont understand cuz she had printed stuff off the internet about bpd & she read it on paper my p & t signed saying my diagnoses for my disability. she even said she wanted to talk to my therapist about what was going on with me. then she makes these smart insinsitive comments that hurt me & make everything worse. when i had my manic state at the beginning of the month & had to go to the ER she said "you know we have a saying at work. be a big girl & pull up your britches." i know shes been through alot with me & my brother but why does she have to kick me while im down? shes also in her 50s so she comes from the time when mental illness was taboo. i guess maybe its frustration along with guilt maybe for not getting us help when we were young kids.

[bizi]

Dear Tabby,
I too am sensitive to caffeine.
I have switche dto decafe...I pick up a cup at the gym on the way out. I used to get a small cup of regular...now I get a large cup of decaf and I really feel much more even keel.
I am sorry that you mother sounds like a witch.
So unsupportive...this type abuse hurts more than physical.
((((HUGS))))
bizi