[MilitaryMech]

But if I didn't have my children, I'd commit suicide in half a heartbeat.

I won't. I want to make that absolutely clear. A child who's parent has committed suicide is six times more likely to do so themselves. I won't that to my boys. They show no signs of my craziness. They are too good for me to do anything that would in anyway cause them problems.

I saw my ex today for the first time outside of court for more than a year. It was literally for 30 seconds. The emotions hot me so hard, so fast.... I just couldn't process them.

I hate her. I miss her. I love her. I want to hurt her. I want her back.......

She abandoned me and the boys for money. She went "gay for pay" and now lives in luxury, while I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Hell, I'm just trying to keep myself together.

Before her, I was on my way to going to the brig (I was a Marine) or getting killed in a fight. She somehow kept me centered and poised. She kept my rages to a minimum. She kept me from self destructing for almost thirteen years......

I want to just end the pain.

Ever since I was a child, I was never "normal". I was always odd and weird.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not fitting in and not being able to be compatable with normal society.

I can't keep a job. I can't keep a girlfriend (not like I should be dating).

I wish (I know this is going to sound horrible) that my ex had taken the kids and I could have just disappeared........

I hate the pain. It hurts so much.

I am so very sorry you are in so much pain. Things have been very rough for you lately I know. I totally understand what you mean about your boys, my sons are what kept me here all this time when I've been in a bad place. Hold on with us, we're here for you. (((Big)))

[MilitaryMech]

I just want the pain to go away

[x_BabyG_x]

I hope you find that comfort and spark of joy you need in your children. Im sorry that happened to you it must have been so tough

ride through it - pain always makes us a stronger person (and it never lasts forever, believe it or not!) just wait for that moment when it hurts that's little bit less, it might be closer than you think xxx

[MilitaryMech]

I don't want to be stronger.

I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to go to work and not then into a crazy person

[Alone & confused]

Im sorry for what you're going through! But I admire you for hanging tough in spite of everything for your boys!! You are one of the few. I hope you find the strength & encouragement you need to carry on. And about being "odd or different?" It's only odd that you are such a good dad if you ask me!

[x_BabyG_x]

You'll get there one day... unfortunately for us, we have to build towards it, it takes time and a lot of effort!

[hamster-bamster]

If she is living in luxury now, why don't you ask her to support you and the sons?

[swheaton]

You need to hold on two those boys and give yourself a break. This illness sucks on more levels than I can count. It hurts and it sucks. You didn't deserve to be left behind, but you do deserve to live. Put yourself first and her on the back shelf.

[thickntired]

MM. You should feel proud of yourself. You have the hardest job of all - single parent. When the **** hit the fan you were there for your boys and didn't give up. I know unemployment is very depressing, but know that many ppl are in the same boat. Don't take it personally! My bipolar got me laid off twice in 3 yrs. One job fired me after 4 months. You're in my thoughts ♥

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