Up up upppppppp

Feeling randomly optimistic today. And happpppyyyy. And dancing around to music. Considering I didn't want to get out of bed yesterday, today's going to be so much more productive.

Though, despite this, I do feel like I could cry at any moment. Such a strange feeling.

I don't want to crash. Whenever I feel a crash coming, I usually take drugs. Which messes me up more, and makes the crash a lot worse eventually, but I don't really care, at the time it feels incredible to be in control of being out of control.

I haven't been diagnosed with Bipolar, because I lock down when I go to appointments and won't talk. But I don't care. Labelling me won't stop what I am. I am a curse. Wrong. Twisted. I bring bad things to people. Verging on evil. But.

Today. I don't care.

I miss my ups. But they do tend to get me in trouble. Drugs are not the answer so please stay clear of those. You need to talk about your illness and find ways to cope with it without self medicating. Its nothing to be ashamed of. Letting it go without treating it is. You will be happier in the long run and gain control of your life for more than just your up times.

I just had to LOL Lilly because you sound just like me right now !

I feel like I'm keeping a full blown out of control Hypo phase at bay, but only just, I can feel that need to just say F it all and let go, but I'm staying together enough to stop it which is kinda annoying because I just want to let go, I want to just be free from having to analysis everything I say and do and just feel good, but I know if I let go I will become self destructive.

even typing this right now I can feel that excitement of letting go building in my stomach, knowing what I can do if I let go, knowing how great it will feel.

and yet I want to cry from frustration because I know I can't, I daren't let go because no good will come of it.

Yoooo I feel you guys! It sucks when you can't just enjoy what you feel but it's good to be able to catch yourself from going too far!

For me, when I get like this, I try to funnel it all into producing. Just make stuff. Don't stop making stuff! I happen to love sewing so I just sew up a storm all day! Then, when you're done you feel really accomplished and it's doubly good. You can also make a list of all the stuff you hafta do and check it off if you don't have something like sewing. It helps if it's a list of things you want to do but also are things you need to do! Sometimes I try to prepare for when I crash. Like, collect all my favorite movies by the tv and put the first one in the DVD player. I usually don't want to do it when I'm down but at least I have the option!

You may need to set alarms on your phone to remind you to eat and drink water, stuff like that. I found that SUPER helpful.

I'm finding this ep almost as bad as depression because I know what I need to do to distract myself but instead Im sitting here getting wound up about the fact that I cant do the things I want to do to 'feel' better ( ie be self destructive )

I've gone from not getting out of bed two days ago and doing NO Uni work at all, to writing 2000 words of an essay today, tidying, packing my bag to go home this weekend and doing all of my laundry. Sooooooo hyperactive. But, reading back my writing, none of it makes sense ):