[LillyJones]

I was diagnosed with depression around June 2013.

It got worse and worse, to the point where I didn't want to leave the bed. Didn't want to eat. Wasn't sleeping properly. Lost all interest in anything. Couldn't concentrate on Uni work. My memory is very bad, so I can't remember that much. I also started self harming by cutting the tops of my thighs, and when I ran out of room I moved to the tops of my arms.
Between the start of December and January I took around 5 overdoses, three of these I was admitted into hospital for treatment.

Now I see a psychiatrist for depression. I have seen him twice before now, and have another appointment on the 17th February.
The thing is, I have some things I can't tell anyone... and my psych makes it very hard to talk to him. He's always very very cheerful, which I find hard to relate to, so shut off. The appointment is in the outpatients ward of a psych hospital. My mum was admitted into one when I was younger, which makes me shut down when I go in there because of the memories I associate with them.

I've been told Bipolar may be a possibility. But I don't really know what that is?? Or Schizophrenia. But, I don't see how I may be either, when they sound so different?

I'm not currently on any medication, because I don't trust it. In our first meeting, when I tried to start explaining why I wouldn't take medication, he laughed at me. So Now every time I go I shut down.
In the past month, I have been getting really paranoid. I make connections between things that people don't understand. For example, just over a week ago my phone went missing in the house. I was convinced the government or someone had taken it. To monitor me or something. I have also seen 'laser' like things 'scan' me out of things like wooden doors and toilet roll holders.

I hate asking for help. I know I am wrong, less than human. People don't understand this. But, the easiest way I can explain is that I am the living embodiment of a curse. I poison things. I bring bad things and situations to people. I can't control it. I've always known there was something wrong with me, but I've only really pinned it down in the past year and a half.
In the past few weeks I have felt relatively in control. I went from not leaving the bed, avoiding my housemates etc. to overworking, getting a lot of uni work done, almost excessively cleaning and having a ridiculous sex drive. This crashed back down to a sort of depressive/numb state at the end of last week. So I started taking legal highs again. Something I've not done for over a year. I've been sleeping with strangers in clubs, and I can't last a night without either drinking, taking legal high drugs or self harming.
I don't know what to do. I've tried going to my GP when things got bad before, he just said 'I don't know what to suggest'. I tried calling the crisis team, they said not to call again as I'm not on their books anymore, and to wait for my psych appointment. But I shut down in psych appointments.
I feel like I'm making this all up in my head a lot of the time. Playing a trick on myself.

I just don't know what to do.
I hate myself for asking for help.
While I'm not in any danger, I do have a fairly well worked out suicide plan for the end of June. I just need help getting through to then.
Whenever I start to explain any of this to my psych I never get very far at all, because he just doesn't understand, laughs, or changes the subject.
I'm in limbo. Stuck.

[LillyJones]

I don't want Bipolar. I don't want to be diagnosed. It scares me a lot.

[kaliope]

you definitely sound like you could be bipolar. I know it sounds scary but it is a diagnosis you can live with. I went my whole life without meds. didn't want anything to do with them and I was miserable. finally after a major breakdown I knew I would be dead if I didn't do something so I agreed to try meds. now after finding the right meds for me, I am living a totally normal life. no more ups and downs. I wish I had been taking them my whole life. how different things would have been. no more roller coaster, no more suicidal thoughts. finally a successful life I can live. I wish you would reconsider and try them and see how different life can be. it takes patience finding the right ones, but it really is worth it. take care.

[LillyJones]

I don't want to be here. I just need to get to June...

I would like to encourage you too that a diagnosis is not scary. I struggled a lot too, but a diagnosis gave me hope. Hope that having a better idea of what was going on I could get better.

[Trippin2.0]

Print out this thread and give it to your pdoc at your next appointment. That way he gets the truth and you avoid talking...

Bipolar isn't a death sentence

[tigersassy]

Exactly what trippin said. I did that for my mental health nurse because he wasn't hearing the things inside my head. I have a very dire need for control and force myself to appear calm and mellow, isn't working now I've lost control. And it helped him to understand. He immediately connected my thoughts (symptoms) that I had written about to what I believe they are (and so do my reg dr and my therapist). The only thing to do is try. It can't hurt anything.

-Tig