resisting bipolar diagnosis for years

Hi, I haven't posted in this forum. I'm supposedly bipolar. I know that sounds ridiculous but I've always thought it was stress that makes me behave like I'm bipolar. Only a few "episodes" in my life and I'm in my latter 40's.

It did start when I was 21, so it could be. But I have many years in between where I've felt nothing but depression and anxiety, slept well without medication before.

I have a host of illness though, from diabetes, graves thyroid at 24yrs old, high blood pressure, and possible lupus or RA, i've been tested but I have such chronic fatigue, I don't know where it comes from, and now I feel aches and pains almost every day.

I was put on just 25 mg of Seroquel, about 5 years ago or more, and ever since then, I haven't had "episodes", but before, like I said, it was few and far between, and only when my stress was high for obvious reasons, (after both births of my sons, job changes, abuse in my marriage etc)

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, but I read about BPD, and it sounds more like me, than Bipolar. I'm not able to stay out of a depressed state for very long, for as long as I can remember. I've tried antidepressants, almost all of them and cant handle the side effects and they increase my anxiety.

So I take 10 mg. diazepam, and now upping to 150 seroquel, not XR, in 6 25 mg pills, to take as I need.

I've had the stupid benzos since my teens, and I'll never get off of them, I've tried, and I pretty much went crazy, real crazy.....

thanks for reading, I was just venting, and needed a place to put my thoughts, maybe meet someone similar here to talk with.

i understand what ya mean, not really sure about the diagnosis Ive only had 2 manic episodes and id like to think they were just mental breakdowns..both times i was at new jobs that had a lot of stress..guess since im taking meds now i wont have those episodes but there has been some depression..im trying to accept my diagnosis, your not alone!

I too thought I came across more bpd but the more iv talk to people on here the more I hear echoes of my own life. Our brains are tricky suckers and very good at sabotaging us. Mine likes to tell me they're plenty of people out there who act like me and don't have bp. In truth im just making excuses because it's easier than accepting the truth.

I resisted the possibility that I could be bipolar for over a decade....I wasn't even diagnosed until age 53, and yet I've been fighting this thing since I was a small child. When I look back over my life, I can see all the tell-tale signs that should've clued somebody in to the fact that something was wrong, but I grew up in a completely different era and nobody was diagnosing kids with manic depression back then.

I began to suspect BP when my sister and I were shopping at Costco and picked up a copy of Jane Pauley's Skywriting, about her journey with bipolar. My sister said, "I think you have that." I said "I think I might have that too." But all I knew about the illness then was that you had to take lithium for it, and I wasn't about to take lithium. So I bumped along for about a dozen years, wondering why all the antidepressants kept pooping out on me and why I acted so crazy sometimes.

I finally came to the attention of a psychiatrist when my primary care doc referred me for an evaluation after I called him in a panic after freaking out on Wellbutrin. I was also throwing around vague threats of homicide and begging for a trial of still another AD, which was why I got in so quickly. Pdoc diagnosed BP-NOS and started me on a mood stabilizer right away. But he wasn't really sure I had BP until I bounced in for the third visit wearing bright clothes and blue eyeshadow, and chattering incessantly. That was a dead giveaway right there.

I have a psychiatrist, but he hasn't told me anything other than (you're definitely depressed). Ones I've had before had put me on risperidone and risperadal, can't remember, but I always got better on anti psychotics. I've had antidepressants since my teens, tried everything, cant tolerate, and they don't make me feel any better just anxious. I've tried lithium, and this is weird, but I felt "too good" on it. So I don't know,
I'm wondering what the BP-NOS means.

The rest of it, I don't know, I act strangely on occasion, have had times of hallucinations but it was after having my kids. I think the quetiapine is the right med for me, but I still don't get out of my depression very often. It makes me twitch, and its not good with my diabetes.

Thanks for your post bipolarnurse, I appreciate all responses here, but it makes me think, I think they had diagnosed me right the first time.

BP-NOS = Not Otherwise Specified. It's a wastebasket diagnosis for a condition that looks like bipolar and smells like bipolar, but there's no pattern to the episodes or they might not meet the "official" criteria for mania or depression.