[wildflowerchild25]

I'm not sure this is related to bipolar but this is where i feel most comfortable posting so i wanted to share some thoughts with you all.

Does anyone else have a hard time connecting to other people? I mean a longstanding connection problem. For as long as I can remember i've been socially awkward and anxious around my peers. I have never had any long-lasting friendships. In elementary school, all of my "best friends" chose me as their second friend, like a stand-in when their best friend wasn't available. In fact, a girl i considered my best friend for most of elementary school didn't even invite me to be part of her fan club until one of her other friends dropped out - and she invited five girls. it seems that whenever i've been friends with someone i've always lost touch with them after just a couple of years. i lost all my elementary school friends in middle school; my middle school friends in high school; my high school friends after graduation. I never made friends in college. I never made friends at any of the various jobs i've held. I literally have no one right now I would consider my friend who isn't also family of some sort.

90% of the time i'm perfectly fine with this. i'm an introvert by nature, so I honestly don't even like hanging out with people most of the time (unless hypo or manic). But some days I just have this emptiness inside. It's usually triggered by something that someone else has. Sometimes it's people on facebook saying "yay bestie" or whatever people say. Today it hit me because one of my husband's old high school friends - someone he has not hung out with in at least 8 years because that's when we started dating and i don't remember him - died yesterday. My husband is super upset. And besides all the horrible trauma reactions I have to death (that i won't share because they're so shameful), I can't help but feel just a little....jealous of my husband. I've never had anyone that I would be that upset over dying besides family. Like I said, i've never managed to keep a friend for more than a couple of years. Now my husband is talking about going out with all his old bandmates and friends of the band on Friday because it's been so long since they've seen each other and again, i'm just so jealous. There's only one person that i was every close enough with to care about whether I ever talk to them again. She's the only person I believe would still be my friend from high school if she hadn't gone off the grid in Vermont (no internet/phone/etc, so pretty impossible to keep track of). The rest of them...I just never let myself become close to anyone.

I get very melancholy when i see my old high school friends hanging out with each other on facebook. i just think, what's wrong with ME? why can't I be part of this? And yet...i can't...and I never will be. It's like being able to have a close human connection is just not in my genetics at all.

Except for my husband. He's the only person i've let in to my life on a intimate level. It's like I filled my quota with him and I'll never make another connection again.

I do feel like this is SOMEtIMES bipolar related. When i'm in a depression i just don't have the energy to hang out with people, and when i'm manic i find people so irritating because they talk so damn slow. But that doesn't explain why i've ALWAYS felt like a freak. even in preschool, i learned to read with the teacher instead of playing because i couldn't figure out how to talk to the other kids.

sigh...i hope my kid is more socially able than me. i hope he's not as lonely.

[kaliope]

ive never been able to form connections to people either but I figured it was more related to my ptsd than my bipolar. I am fine with being alone and consider myself lucky not to have to get involved with the drama associated with relationships, but I too find myself jealous of those that can form attachments. I don't call or write people. if they don't make the effort to stay in touch with me, they are gone from my life. out of sight, out of mind. it is sad that I was even unable to form close attachments to my children. my mom died recently and it didn't faze me a bit. I did cry briefly when my sister died a month ago. she called me all the time. but I only felt a momentary loss and felt no need to attend her funeral. sometimes I think I suck as a person for having no connections toward others. I just don't know how to do it. I still miss my dog at least. so know you are not alone in this. take care.

[Victoria'smom]

My only friend that wasn't a mutual friend I lost contact with 5 yes ago. My college friends I talk to every now and then but only a hand full of friends really stuck around. I lost most of my college friends when I got pregnant, lost most of my other ones moving around every 2-3 months. All my current friends are use to me falling off the world and popping back up. Some times our best friend will drive the 10 hours if he can't get ahold of either of us for a month but we've done the same. Only 4 people have really stuck by us to the point if you get together its like you never left. Here we have friends but we joke that my husband makes them and I keep them. I'm more "thoughtful" he's more outgoing. I can't seem to make interesting friends w/o him and he has no idea how to keep friends.

[Desafinado]

One thing that stood out to me that you wrote was this:

90% of the time i'm perfectly fine with this. i'm an introvert by nature, so I honestly don't even like hanging out with people most of the time (unless hypo or manic).

It seems like, deep down, you enjoy solitude but would enjoy a friend or two to keep you company every now and then. I think in this case the most important thing is accepting that you're an introvert and like solitude and that there's nothing wrong with that. Secondly, realize that people that are of this nature don't always tend to be persons who are surrounded by tons of friends. It's not because there's something inherently wrong with them, but because most people are a bit more gregarious and tend to be surrounded by people that are more like them.

When I was younger I used to have a lot of the same feelings and hadn't really come to terms with who I was yet. It caused me a lot of grief knowing that I wasn't 'like' others. With time, though, I came to accept who I was, and I started seeking out people who were more like me. The end result was that I ended up finding friendships, and not only that, but friendships that were more meaningful.

At the end of the day you'll become more comfortable in your skin as time goes by, so don't sweat it. In the meantime try to break out of your shell and find people who have more in common with you, don't worry about being 'the life of the party' or doing things that make you uncomfortable.

Also, give 'Quiet' by Susan Cain a read, I think you might enjoy and find it enlightening.

[wing]

I feel the way you do, but have been diagnosed as having social anxiety as well as BP 1. I'm not sure that the social anxiety isn't the problem making friends now. I have no history of BP behavior with anyone I meet (I just moved to a new city), but still feel the same way as I did as a teenager. I always think of that song from "Phantom of the Opera" called "Learn to Be Lonely". It makes me cry.

Isolating isn't healthy, so get out there even if you're just a bump on a log. I joined a couple of groups I have an interest in and haven't made friends yet, but it is nice to be acknowledged by and in the company of others. My goal is to get out of the house once a day. I don't always meet it, but feel accomplished even if all I do is go to the grocery store and am able to have good eye contact and a mini-conversation. It's all work for me, but in my best interests, part of managing my bipolar.

[wildflowerchild25]

I guess i mean I've never felt that deep, best friend connection so many other people seem to have. Because it's not like I haven't ever had friends. But it seems like after high school, that was kind of it. Part of it, I feel, is that i'm just not a "normal" person, and it's hard to find "abnormal" people who understand you. like i'm a woman, but i can't stand 'girly' women. I don't wear makeup (for political reasons), i don't style my hair, i don't wear stylish clothes, i don't want to talk about boys, i don't like diamonds, i hate valentine's day, etc. and i know there are other women out there like me, it's just so hard for me to find people.

all of my friends after high school were through my boyfriend or my now-husband. i had one friend that i met through my husband who became my friend for a LITTLE while, but we had a falling out, and in the time she wasn't speaking to me i decided i don't like her anyway.

i really feel like i just don't understand people. i don't understand people who talk to other people or share their feelings. i guess i REALLY don't understand people who rely on other people. i guess that's part of being a friend and i'll never be able to do that. I don't even ask my husband for help. i always had to do everything on my own and learned very young that you can't rely on anyone for anything.

anyway like i said most of the time i'm fine with this. i was just wondering if anyone else had the same issue.

[Beepee]

Wow, I have had a lot if the same feelings. The statements about introverts not attracting others I finally figured that out fairly recently. I have one really good friend; we have known each other since second grade. I have trust issues I think because my dad was abusive sometimes. I am very choosy about friends. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Hangin' in there