I'm a Wreck

I had a total thyroidectomy in September and felt better for a while. But with all the stresses going on right now, I snapped. I just broke in half yesterday and cried for an hour. An ugly, snot flinging, tears flying cry. My head and eyes hurt still this morning from it. And I am on the verge of it again even now.

The trigger is irrelevant. It was bound to happen.

Everyone in my life convinced me that my "problems" were thyroid related. If that were true, things would be getting better for me, not worse.

I was taking Tirosint (synthroid) that brought me to the lower normal half. Still hypothyroid but not extreme. I actually felt better mentally when my test numbers were lower. Anyway, I started T3 treatment as well and this should be making me feel better. Physically, it has started to help but mentally it's not. At all. Which makes me believe that my thyroid isn't to blame for all my issues. It's just me. Who I am.

I feel worthless. And irrelevant. And weak. I can't do anything right.

I'm fat. I don't take care of myself. I'm lucky if I can get the kids and the dogs taken care of everyday. All I want to do it sit in front of the computer and zone out. Just be anywhere other than where I am.

It's not fair to my kids. I'm barely present for them. I don't play with them. I'm a failure as a mom.

I messed things up financially for us. I made a mistake that might cost my husband the job he wants so bad. I can't keep the house clean and the laundry is always piled up. Some days, he's lucky to have a clean towel. I'm a failure as a wife.

My husband tells me to just stop. But he doesn't get that this is how i feel. It's not for attention. It's not to make him feel sorry for me. It's embarrassing to feel like this. It's not fun.

I just don't know what to do.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or therapist? Try to accomplish 1-2 things a day, even just 1 to start off with because it will make you feel better to accomplish something. You can't take care of your family if you aren't taking care of yourself. You are feeling as a failure to your family but it's related to you failing yourself. Take care of you so you can help take care of them.
Are you taking an antidepressant?

It seems like you're having a terrible time right now, and that completely sucks. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that just because everything isn't 100% cured by the thyroidectomy it doesn't mean that it hasn't helped or won't help in the future. Mood disorders are complicated, and it's unlikely that they're ever caused by one thing alone. So even though you might still have symptoms after the thyroidectomy, it's very likely that the symptoms will be less severe/less frequent.

Also, I understand what you mean about feeling worthless. But one thing to keep in mind is that no human is truly worthless (I genuinely believe that), and that includes you. Everyone has worth because they are unique and offer something that no one else can just by being themselves. Cognitive therapy helped me a lot with my thoughts like this. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy is a great book about cognitive therapy, and you can get it for pretty cheap on Amazon.

I also understand that you're not acting in a certain way to get attention, and it's a terrible feeling when other people think you are "acting out" for attention. Just hang in there and it WILL get better, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. It always gets better. Even the worst mood episode doesn't last forever. Just keep telling yourself that. Also, go easy on yourself. It's often so easy for us to have compassion for other people but not for ourselves. Be compassionate to yourself. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Thanks everyone. Today was better. The cry really, really helped. I woke up exhausted but relieved I guess. I even cleaned up the house a bit yesterday. My husband even thanked me for doing it, even though it is my job to do it. (I'm a stay at home mom) I know he knows I'm struggling.

I'm just so upside down right now. Hate it.