[Curiosity77]

I feel like throwing all my meds in the garbage so I can see what would happen. I want to know where my unaffected brain chemistry would take me. It would probably lead to disaster, but at least I would feel something. As it is I am only half alive. I don't see my pdoc for another month, and even if I did, she won't want to make any changes. I'm not convinced any changes would help anyway, since what I want back is intensity and adventure, and medication doesn't do that. I feel like I should be grateful for my stable life, good job, nice apartment, improved reputation... but I'm not. I just want to destroy it. I know it's pretty childish to think this way, but it's stuck in my mind.

Like the Smiths say "if the day came when I felt a natural emotion, I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump in the ocean." I can't remember what a natural emotion feels like. It might be scary, but maybe it's worth the risk. I don't know why I'm so intent on destroying myself.

[BipolaRNurse]

You know the answer to that at least as well as I do, and probably better: it's the nature of the beast. We can't help it. The only thing we can do is fight it, tooth and nail, so that we DON'T destroy ourselves and everything we've built (or tried to build).

Besides, you also know what going off meds cold turkey would do to you. You've been unmedicated before, right? Only now your brain is used to having those chemicals circulating around, doing their thing, and to take them all away at once would likely destabilize you in nothing flat. Yes, I know it's tempting; I occasionally flirt with the idea of going off mine, too, an idea which is promptly squashed by both my support system, who would be lined up from coast to coast waiting to gang-slap me, and my own fear of going off the deep end.

Hold on! You and I both know that this, too shall pass.......it always does. That, too, is the nature of the beast, and one of its few graces.