Mental State Assessment?

So this has been on my mind for a week - since I met my new pdoc - possibly more without my really realizing it. I don't think I'm doing well, though I'm not showing typical signs.

Good signs include:

• I'm making it to work/placement (1/3 to 1/2 the time)
• I'm making it to school (1/3 to 1/2 the time)
• I have friends over (at least 1ce maybe 2ce a week)
• I'm making it to appointments (2/3 the time)
• I am reliably taking my meds (with no more than 1ce a week missed)
• I'm eating healthy, regularly. (occational fast food binges now down to 1ce a week)
• I'm not cutting.
• I'm not activly suicidal, and only periodicly get suicidal thoughts.

Unfortunately I am also:

• Loath myself during any period of alone time I get.
• Spend most of my time distracting myself from how I feel. (i.e., tv, video games)
• I'm smoking more pot that I should (I usually don't because it reacts negatively to me).
• I'm smoking more than I should (gone from 1 or 2 cigarettes a day to 6 or 7)
• I cry all the time.
• I don't let my fiancé touch, kiss, or hold me anymore. Having sex makes me cry.
• I play with my (very vicious) cat until he's scratched my hands bloody, then hold back tears.
• I can't think. My processing speed has diminished to the point where I get frustrated at trying to write and can't organize my thoughts properly. This means I can't get my homework done.

I can't accurately judge if I'm doing well or not, and if I'm not what I should do. I don't think I'm doing well, but my friends and supports think I am. I also know that if I went to hospital they wouldn't take me. I constantly feel like I need a break but am not aloud. I have work every day next week to catch up on hours (9-4) working with people with mental illness. All I can think is I should be where they are, and how much my co-workers bash them. All I can think of is the stigma of dropping out or even having bipolar or any other mental illness or learning disability. All I can think about is how much I just want to drop out of school/placement and hibernate until I feel better.

Does anyone have the power to stop time, and mind lending it to me? Either that or a suggestion on what to do, or a hint to how I'm really doing?

It sounds like you're hiding. All outwards signs of your health you've stopped so anyone it would look like you're doing well when you're really doing crappie.

Thanks. This actually helped.