[Cherry73]

My mind can be a deep dark and scary place. No matter how far down I stuff those horrible things that one should have never seen but can't be unseen they always find a way seep through to the surface. Some people I loved came to a horrible demise and for that I am truly sorry. Miss you so very much J and hope to be able to see you again some day. All these secrets I keep just eat at me from the inside out but I have no choice. Have to keep the secrets or else I wouldn't be here anymore for them to torment me.

[kaliope]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much. secrets eat away at us and cause us misery. it is so much better if you can find somebody trustworthy to tell your secrets to so that they don't eat away at you anymore. they can be so damaging when you hold on to them. please open up to somebody. take care.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you do therapy? I'm sorry you lost J.

[Cherry73]

I was but it wasn't really helping. In the past my therapist helped and gave me things to work on and asked questions. The one I have now does none of that and I just ramble on about whatever. I had an extremely hard time finding this one and if wasn't for the fact that my kids go to this practice I would have not been taken as a patient. No one near where I lives wants to take anyone who has Medicare and Medicaid.

[r010159]

I have the same problem with health insurance. So I really do not know what to do. And the Yellowpages is no help.

Hang in there!

PS: I honestly think you would make a good poet!

[Cherry73]

r010159 you are very right about the yellow pages. It took me months to finally get in to the practice where my children go but prior to that I called every single place in our county and was turned down for some reason or another and then would expand the search out to the next county and did this all the way to 50 miles out and found no one and I called well over 100 different places. How discouraging and could you imagine if I was in a semi crisis state or actually in crisis trying to get help. Apparently the only way to get help where I live is to go inpatient.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by r010159

Hang in there!

PS: I honestly think you would make a good poet!

That was my reaction, too. Also, one can do therapy without a therapist - draw pictures of your secrets and take the drawings outside to burn. Or, tear them to pieces.

[Cherry73]

I can't take all this **** anymore. I don't know why anyone has to have so many things stacked against them. Bipolar, generalized anxiety disorder, spinal cord injuries to where they want to put 6 screws in my spine, need bilateral knee replacements, fibromyalgia, occiptital neuraliga, chronic regional pain syndrome, nerve damage, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, left hip replacement ok I suppose that is enough about me. I am single mom of two kids that have special needs. My 6 year old daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and a learning disability and she is an excellent sports player which is her saying grace. Everything else seems to hold her back and hurt her self esteem but when she is playing sports she shines. Her first season playing soccer her team won the U8 championships and she got a big ole trophy. Next she played lacrosse and did quite well followed by basketball which she makes more shots then she misses and she got a trophy for that too which was another much needed self esteem booster. Fiinally we have my handsome 4 year old son who is super smart and can memorize anything he puts his mind to and has already started learning sight words and can reads short 3 word sentences and has even started memorizing addition math facts and so far he has been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety disorder,sleep disturbance and disorders of the central nervous system NOS. That last diagnosis is subject to change pending the end of his evaluation at kennedy krieger. He has multiple symptoms that fall into bipolar disorder and high functioning autism and because he doesn't fall definitively into one of the catergories they are doing a lot of testing and have referred him to neuropsychology department for psychological and IQ testing and he saw special pathologist who did speech and language testing and also did ADOS testing and we are currently waiting for the sleep study and this test date for psychology and IQ testing into until september unless someone cancels because I am on the cancellation list.
I need to have at least 4 surgeries currently but being a single mom whose children have these special gifts, I don't really have anyone to take care of them while I have these surgeries so I have just been putting them off but apparently I am nearly the end of the putting it off and dealing with it later point. I already walk with a cane most of the time which definitely isn't nearly as bad when I had to use the walker. I have some many appointment for the kids and have to run them back and forth to all their appointments I don't really have time for myself. Of course I go to the monthly mediation management appointment so I can walk and get around and do everything I need to do for my kids and my psychiatrist appointment but I am not exactly medication compliant all of the time. I had been doing a lot better until my medicine became manufacture back order and I didn't really have much of a choice but I have it back and am starting back from the beginning again. I can honestly say if it wasn't for my kids there is no way on this earth I would be living this way in all this pain if it wasn't for them. They are my sole reason for breathing and I love them more than I ever thought possible but sometimes I feel like I am drowning and eventually am going to just slip under.

[hamster-bamster]

You are a true steadfast trooper!

[Cherry73]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You are a true steadfast trooper!

Thank you but
Sometimes I really don't want to be...

[Curiosity77]

You have a ton on your plate... Hugs to you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Cherry73

Thank you but
Sometimes I really don't want to be...

I sure understand. You have been dealt more than anybody's fair share of extreme hardships.

[Cherry73]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I sure understand. You have been dealt more than anybody's fair share of extreme hardships.

I suppose I should just suck it up and move on but some days are much harder than others. The constant stream of unanswered questions in my mind definitely isn't helping. Why me? What did I do or not do to deserve this? Is this in preparation for something or some greater purpose? What is the point of all this suffering? What happens next? Should I just give up? Would everyone be better off? Why can't I have one pain free day? It has been well over 10+ years since I had a day or even a minute without pain and I can no longer remember what no pain feels like. My life now just consists of varying degrees in intensity but it's always there, day in and day out never ending and progressively getting worse over time. I suppose I will never know until that day when I do decide it is no longer bearable and I stop fighting and just let the water take me under.

[hamster-bamster]

Two kids with nobody in the whole world to turn to. Who will take pictures of your daughter with her sports trophies? Nobody but you will.

[Sad&Bipolar]

Cherry 73, and others who are finding it difficult to find a therapist,
Have you tried contacting a local University with a Masters Program for training therapists? Candidates have to complete usually around 3,000 hours for their licenses. I believe that they cannot charge for these services, or there is a sliding scale fee.

Does your local area have a Health Care Agency? If you call your local Dept. of Health, they may be able to connect you to state or county programs that offer counseling, groups, wellness centers, club-houses, or other services. Sometimes churches have mental health groups. Is there a local DBSA in your area? That organization usually has weekly meetings. NAMI is another resource.

Keep trying to find services, even if it isn't with a therapist in private practice.