[Ms.Beeblebrox]

Hello everyone,

I have a little theory that I would like to run by other survivors of severe manic episodes (other opinions are welcome as well).

I was only manic once, but it was a bad bad episode. I lost my job for a totally embarrassing reason, lost most of my friends, spent all my savings, briefly separated from my husband, posted things online that I don't even want to think about, hang out with people I had no business knowing, etc.

When I came down and realized the damage my shenanigans have caused I was devastated! I was remorseful, ashamed of myself, couldn't even look in the mirror for a long time.

But as time passed and I was forced to analyze my illness I realized that my episode had some unexpected positive side effects. I guess it made me have a good look at who I really was and what I really wanted. Before I went manic my whole life was dedicated to living by other people's standards, meeting expectations that weren't my own. My self worth was dependent on how successful I was at pretending that I was what everyone else wanted me to be. I don't think there was a single person who would really know "me", not just this "edited version" of me.

And then I went manic, and my filter broke down, and I said things I am horrified of now, but they were true to a degree. The presentation wasn't very tasteful unfortunately, but I did express my real desires and my grievances and it made me think about things I tried to ignore for years.

It also made me have a good look at people around me. I realized that my husband wasn't a perpetual innocent victim of my moods, he was actually neglectful of me for years. No, he didn't deserve the way I treated him while manic, but he did contribute to my distress. He didn't realize it before mania, but he got the message loud and clear after it. And I am happy to report that his treatment of me improved dramatically.

I know who my real friends are now. I am glad many toxic people left my life during my manic episode, because they thought that I ruined myself permanently and couldn't benefit them anymore.

My parent finally realized that I was not put on this Earth to make them happy and they better not push me beyond my breaking point.

Before I went manic I used to have short fits of rage when I would feel like the most unhappy person alive and like everyone wrong me. I don't have them anymore. I actually like my life now and I feel in control of it.

Can anyone relate to this experience? Or am I just fooling myself into finding positive effects of a serious mental condition?

[cashart10]

I think its wonderful that you have found so much positive in such a sometimes debilitating illness. I hope someday I will get there.

At least for now, I have not had any positive experiences with my illness. I have had 2 major manic episodes and more hypomania with crippling depressions following or preceding each episode. My family has suffered: my husband has lost the together wife he once had; my children have been deprived of the stable mom and life they deserve. I think it's confusing for them too because sometimes, especially if hypomanic, I have or at least seem have things together. They do, at least, know how very loved they are. Our finances have suffered, my friends have distanced themselves and I have, especially as a Christian, lost much of my credibility. It hurts.

[Painted]

I had an entire relationship/marriage based on a manic episode. We are no longer together and I'm quite embarrassed about the whole thing. I lost standing in my youngest eyes and have a lot to make up for. I'm VERY lucky that I still have his love. (my son)

I live in fear of my manic episodes, but can see how a more positive view would make life better. Thank you for the new things to think about.

[r010159]

I have never heard someone say that there were positive benefits to a full blown manic episode. I would question whether you were expressing your true feelings when you were manic. But I can see how you can take away a learning experience from this terrible time in your life. One is to never go off your meds. Another can very well be to question how you have been living your life. It seems that one can use the time when they are at the lowest part of their lives for this type of quality introspection. So I think what you will learn about yourself and others in this regard can be genuinely positive. But as far as anyone else but you learning from this experience, I doubt this. IMO all they can learn is how devastating this illness can be.

I wish you well getting your life back together. Also I hope your husband can become part of your support network at home.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm always of the believe in a mood swing it is you real feeling just amplified way to much for others and yourself to enjoy.

[Ms.Beeblebrox]

Thanks everyone who replied!

I too am living in a constant fear of a repeat performance, even though I honestly feel like what happened to me was for the best. I can relate so much to the feelings of total embarrassment and guilt, especially when it comes to kids. My little one still remembers that I left home I do hope that the fact that I have returned means more in the long run.

I guess my experience with mania can be summed up by this phrase I really like: "Only after losing everything one can gain true freedom". I did gain freedom from many of my own insecurities after everything that happened, because I have finally realized that even a total and complete defeat isn't the end of the word.

I believe that the things I said and did were true representations of my feelings but not of my values and convictions. Those got temporarily "switched off".

I do know myself better now and I see that my family, career and friendships all benefit from it. But I'm not so sure I would keep my positive view of this illness if I were to go manic again. One time was more than enough!

[MagicsMom]

I've never been truly manic but I think you've uncovered what so many wish for but are afraid to admit. To "drop the mask" and turn off their filters. I've stuffed my feelings for so many years and tried to be what everyone wanted for so long that when I finally had a breakdown and resulting year long depression I didn't care what people thought. Luckily it didn't come at any cost but it opened my eyes.

You very eloquently wrote what I didn't realize was inside myself. I don't think you want to go through that again because of the cost but hold onto the feelings and realizations you found.