[LongLivePossibility]

I have never officially been diagnosed with bipolar , but I've been in the mental health system for ten years and have seen dozens of psychiatrists and nobody can tell me definitively what's wrong with me.

Right now I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. One moment I am happy and singing and the next I am passively suicidal. It's eight o clock in the morning but I never went to bed, but I'm not manic, I feel depressed. It's not normal for me to stay up to eight am. I am usually in bed by midnight.

It is seriously going minute to minute. It's not even giving me weeks to recover. One minute I'm going to be famous author and the next I'm never going to get off my couch. How could anyone want to take their life? Then I wish I was dead.

Right now I'm very depressed.

Since I've spent ten years in the mental health system, I've come up with systematic ways at avoiding hospitalizations and consequently alerting any of my caseworkers or psychiatrists, but I'm starting to wonder when I will call it quits and just ask for help.

If you think I am being stubborn, I assure you that is not the issue, but rather psychiatric abuse. I have been diagnosed with ptsd, because off a treatment program that was supposed to help me. I would rather not mention the places name, because there's some spotlight on them and I don't want to represent any survivors of this group. I just represent myself. So my ability to trust "help" is limited.

The mood swings are just unreal and I hate having to pretend like everything is okay whenever I see my professionals, when I feel like I am dying inside.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm sorry you feel this way. It could be a mixed episode if you do have bipolar, or it could be BPD or something else. Regardless, I'm sorry you're going through this. And I'm doubly sorry that you are afraid of getting help. I too have been in the mental health system for a very long time (with an equally long break). I've been in great programs and horrific ones. The state hospital I was in for three months as a teenager was shut down in 2006 for human rights abuses, which I tried to alert my mom about but she didn't believe me.

But equally I've had some really good team members. I honestly think that if you want help you'll have to take the plunge and be honest with people. No one can help you until you allow them to. Though I understand the trauma aspect.

[kaliope]

I know it is hard to accept help, but I have to tell you the benefits of not pretending and being honest with treatment providers and getting help are so much better. I haven't had the best care. it took almost three years and about 10 pdocs to find the right meds to stabilize me, but I was persistent and really advocated for myself. I was so tired after 30 years of feeling the way you do. and it was all worth it. I got the magic wand I was dreaming of all those years. I haven't wanted to die for years. I have a successful life. im stable. so please, be honest and take care of yourself...

[r010159]

it took almost three years and about 10 pdocs to find the right meds to stabilize me, but I was persistent and really advocated for myself.

This is what happened to me. I just kept slugging it out until I found the right doctor who gave me the right meds and became much better. I won't get into what I had to go through to get there. Every time I think about it, my mind becomes boggled. But I did have to become very knowledgeable about different types of meds and therapies.

I dont trust the public mental health system either, I also suffered PTSD from being in their "care".

Is there any way you could get into the private system? Still some dodgy stuff going on from time to time but it is much much nicer than state or public facilities, and a better quality of doctors (at least in my country). A private clinic stay might help you get to the bottom of what is causing these dramatic emotional swings and the doctors will be able to observe you to give a correct diagnosis. I realise that may be out of your price range, but just a suggestion.

You do need to be honest with how you are feeling to get any type of help. It can be hard, and if you are really keen to stay out of hospital just offer a "guarantee" (signed or otherwise) that you will stay safe between visits. They may not force hospitalisation on you then. Usually works for my pdocs.

[LongLivePossibility]

Uhm privately as in not a state psychiatric ward? I've always gone to private psychiatric wards, it wasn't a psychiatric ward that hurt me, it was a residential facility, they've never tried to send me to state psychiatric wards. First of all I've been animate about never going, secondly they're not for the feint of heart and having ptsd always deterred them. Thirdly in Pennsylvania we only have three or four state wards so they typically save them for forensic cases and other dangers to society.

But if you mean privately as in McClean, Hopkins, etc, I was in a hospital similar to those twice, but I didn't feel any better taken care of.