[Hbomb0903]

I'm not a particularly relegious person, but I prayed last night. I prayed for resolve and for healing and strength. I have been infused with a paralyzing hopelessness and flatness and lack of motivation and fear for weeks now. Its caused huge parts of my life that I worked so hard to build up since the last deep depression to fall apart and I just feel so tired.

I have to get to work on Monday finding a way to get my meds right and get into intensive therapy. I realize that my strategies in life are part of my problem but I feel like a lazy person that doesn't really want to change. How do you alter that my friends?? Is it truth or just the black depression whispering?

I wish I could just go to sleep forever but that's not an option. I find myself counting the hours until I can go back to bed though. I see my son today and I don't want to be like this for him, but I just feel nothing. Send me strength I guess, I want so much more than this.

[Patsy Cline]

You're not lazy. Don't let the depression trick you into thinking you have control. Just try to think about those times when you feel good. Remember that this is just a huge wave and you just have to keep swimming until it passes. I hope it's soon and that you enjoy your visit with your son.

[Hbomb0903]

He's here now and we're going out into the sun! He's a breath of fresh air and sunshine in my life. Going to make this a good day.

[Patsy Cline]

Yay! I'm so happy for you! Enjoy!

[Trackgirl]

That's great! You deserve to be happy!

[Standup2me]

Remember that this is just a huge wave and you just have to keep swimming until it pass

I think that this is the most touching thing that I have ever read.

PC - you have a good heart

[Hbomb0903]

I've recently found a person in my life that is helping me get through this. He just hung out today and let me just be. Lately that has been me sitting on my couch or in my bed watching netflix or on here, except when I have my kids and I have to attempt to be normal.

He feeds me and gives me hope. I am grateful for him.

[Hbomb0903]

Might I add this is huge for me, because I reached out to my now truly ex-boyfriend and asked for his support and this and was told that he doesn't have it in him to give me.

That really crushed me, but it is what it is.

[Mickey4333]

Quote from Hbomb: "I have to get to work on Monday finding a way to get my meds right and get into intensive therapy. I realize that my strategies in life are part of my problem but I feel like a lazy person that doesn't really want to change. How do you alter that my friends?? Is it truth or just the black depression whispering?"

Hbomb, I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. I have lived for >30 years going up and down and my episodes keep getting worse. I know that the stresses of my job and attempts of socializing make things worse. I have been on SSDI, unemployed, and anti-social now for 8 months, after a severe mixed episode and depression. Now my mood is fairly stable and now "I feel like a lazy person that doesn't really want to change". I feel worthless. I also ask: "how do you alter that"?

[Hbomb0903]

Originally Posted by Mickey4333

Quote from Hbomb: "I have to get to work on Monday finding a way to get my meds right and get into intensive therapy. I realize that my strategies in life are part of my problem but I feel like a lazy person that doesn't really want to change. How do you alter that my friends?? Is it truth or just the black depression whispering?"

Hbomb, I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. I have lived for >30 years going up and down and my episodes keep getting worse. I know that the stresses of my job and attempts of socializing make things worse. I have been on SSDI, unemployed, and anti-social now for 8 months, after a severe mixed episode and depression. Now my mood is fairly stable and now "I feel like a lazy person that doesn't really want to change". I feel worthless. I also ask: "how do you alter that"?

Well I remember before I started by going out and getting a job. Once I felt I could work. Working gives me something to do with myself. I have two kids, so they are motivation too. I can't just be nothing. I have to be something for them. But I fear what you just said. It's been going on for me, the cycling for 6 years now. I was relatively stable for about 3 years, but now I'm dark and deep in it again. I just want to be normal. When I get like this I feel that it's not worth the pain that I know is going to return, even after I get out of this one. It's hard. I don't have the answers.

[Hbomb0903]

I keep hearing that helping others helps you too.

[Hbomb0903]

I'm sitting here with my kids feeling dissociated with the rest of the world again. This is the most frustrating feeling and its why I stopped working. I feel alienated.

I'm even more frustrated because I swear from like 4 pm till I went to sleep I felt like myself again yesterday.

I feel like I'm whining but I just hate this!!!!! How can one lead a normal life when you change day to day hour to hour????

ARGGGGHHHHHH.