I don't want to be me

I am currently going through some feelings of intense hatred of myself and anger that I have to be like this (have bipolar disorder).

Several times in my life I have lost friendships. Friends just decide that it's too much work or too much emotional strain to be with me. They actually tell me this, as if that will help. I'm afraid I may have lost a friend recently, I've been depressed for months and she just ran out of things to say. We haven't really talked for weeks. She asked me if I was coming to see her play and I said I was, but then I ended up lithium toxic and got sent to the hospital. I fought against going to the hospital but my psychiatrist threatened to put me on a psych hold if I didn't go willingly. So I missed her play and sent her an apology message but she's not replying. She usually replies very quickly.

I'm also worried because in my acting class I'm working with a partner. My prof knows I'm on shaky ground right now but I missed class yesterday because of the lithium toxicity/hospital thing. And it might happen again next week because they're not sure if I'm still toxic, I was right on the edge when the hospital sent me home. Next Wednesday I have bloodwork, Thursday appointment with psychiatrist, and if I'm toxic again, hospital again. I e-mailed my prof to let him know why I missed class on Friday and that it might be the same situation next Friday. He hasn't answered.

I'm so sick of this. I don't WANT to be the person who always has some stupid drama going on. In real life I'm generally a quiet, reserved person (until I'm manic) and I just want a quiet, unassuming life with friends who don't get tired of me and my issues. I understand why people don't want to be my friend. *I* don't want to be my friend.

I lost my entire family and all but all of my friends to this bane. It's a lonely and misunderstood disease and those of us with loving spouses, while feeling extremely guilty, are very blessed. I had no idea of the stigma attached to mental health issues in 2014. It's barbaric.

Hey man,

I'm going through much of the same sort of thing right now. I'm a blob. No fun to be around. Less than fun, draining actually. I had a boyfriend but he just went through the ordeal of losing his best friend and mother. His distant behavior in dealing with that plus some other stuff and not maintaining my meds like I'm supposed to has left me in a dark depression. Now I was fine while he was going through her sickness and death and tried to be supportive afterwards, but he pushed me away.

Now I'm drowning and all I want is his comfort and he tells me he doesn't need to be brought down right now and I just need to get better. Wonderful. I feel so alone. I know what you are going through and I wish I could tell you it will all get better. I know it will get better when you come back up, but unfortunately its not something that goes away. Its part of why when I get depressed I usually get sui. It's like what is the damned point.

Its more complicated for me, because I also have children who would be devastated by my loss.... but its just so hard. I feel your pain and I will help you any way I can. I'm so sorry you feel so alone.

I'm no fun to be around either, and I'm married. At least I don't have children at home. This life is exhausting, if you can call it that. Sleeping, getting up, coffee, meds, eating, exercise (if I can force myself), meds, sitting, tv, eating, sitting... tea, meds, sleeping. I'm so crippled by anxiety that I can't get out of the house by myself, and my spouse seems to never want to go anywhere with me. It's hard to even get him to go to the grocery store. He distances his self from me. We never really talk. I have never felt so alone while living with someone in my whole life. I don't want to go on either, but I don't want to hurt my daughter or have any effect on her graduating from school. Not that she talks to me much. I have no friends. Only one that lives on the other side of the state, and we hardly talk. I do know your brand of anger and hatred very well. You're not alone, that's for sure. Count the people here. Then count the people that could be here if they knew about this place, then imagine how many people in the world are suffering from this horrible bipolar misery. Millions?