[kewldude68]

Me? Tired. But can't sleep, or really if I do sleep it is crap sleep.
Me? I suck. I'm a jerk, feeling like I'm on the edge of screaming at people. You know, the idiot employee, the person that gets the meal wrong, the wife that wants to talk about finances. I am a raging *** these past few months.

Me? Taking a test on bi-polar mania quiz online. At the end is says my score is 53, then below it says, "80% of people who score a 25 are diagnosed bipolar." Jeez, I got a 53 so that makes me crazy, which I always knew I was.

Sleep? Well, sometimes I lay down, can't sleep and will go into work at midnight or 2 a.m. when everyone else is in bed sleeping. I get a lot done, but it makes for a 20 hour day. Then I crash and burn.

Risky behavior? Spending money I shouldn't? This has been me my entire life.

I am absolutely frightened of medication, the side effects etc. Yet at the same time my efficiency, relationships etc are all on the decline. I'm tired of this crap. And I will get this phrase going through me head sometimes and I can't shut it down, "F it", only the full version. I will say it out loud, repeat it out loud, and say it over and over in my head. I am fricking crazy, I know I am. No cure for me. I'm a fricking loser I tell you, cause unnecessary heart ache on my family. F it.

[BipolaRNurse]

You're not crazy. And you haven't been diagnosed with anything yet.

Even if you do turn out to have a mental illness, it doesn't make you a jerk, a loser, or an @$$. It only means that you have a brain disorder which can be treated. I know the idea of taking medication can be pretty intimidating, but there are some here who don't take meds, as well as those who use alternative treatments and/or therapy. Me, I take meds because I would be dead if I didn't.

Please talk to your primary care provider/family doctor to see about getting a referral to a mental health professional who can help you. In the meantime, hang in there and try to go easier on yourself.....NONE of this is because of anything you've done or not done, it's a sickness that just happens to have its origins in the brain. Many to you.

Here's my guess/experience: Talk to your doctor (preferably a p-doc) ASAP. Give meds a try. I'm betting that if you try meds you'll wish you would have done so before you did.

[Crazycatlady82]

I completely relate to this. I always feel better knowing I am not alone in all these awful feelings, or great feelings, or mixture of both.

[MagicsMom]

I don't have any other helpful thinks to add other than to say you're none of the things you labeled yourself.

I agree with everyone else - go to a doctor and at least try some meds. You just might feel a whole bunch better, especially if you're in a steep decline.

Best of luck!

[Nammu]

Welcome and ditto what every is saying.

Check over the other threads and you will find many here have similar feelings /experiences.

[kewldude68]

I was diagnosed bipolar in 2008. Took meds for a couple months. Then spiraled down, hospitalized. Dug my way out of that hole and swore off meds, the diagnosis and any notion there was something wrong with me.

I went to my Dr Monday and I did get a referral to a psychiatrist for next Monday

[kewldude68]

Thank you for your support also, it is appreciated

[kewldude68]

It just occurred to me that I was committed to a locked down psych ward when I was 14. I spent a year of my life inside a hospital, rarely went outside. I've tried to forget that time in my life, but I am seeing a history beginning to appear, a history of mental struggle. Is it normal to go to work at midnight, when no one else is there, because I can't sleep. I get a ton of things accomplished though. My employees don't get there until 6 a.m. and then I end up working a 20 hour day. I know this sounds very crazy, but I was reading about mania and I'm like, "Oh yeah, that is me."

I was also thinking about what the description of mania had to say about risk taking. Now, there are times when I speed, and I'm not talking about your 5 mph over the limit, I'm talking about 90 mph down the road. And here is Missouri the back rural roads around my area aren't great, but I fly down them, like I'm possessed.

I look back over my adolescent years, the things I did that hurt me because I thought I was invincible, the sleep issues I've had since I was around 12, the mood swings over the years, I really have to consider if there is something to this diagnosis now and if I want to go back to a hospital again.