Right on the Edge

I'm usually high functioning and can hide most of it but yesterday I started hallucinating again and that hasn't happened for years.

I've been really sick, sinus infection and bronchitis so bad I sound like a herd of walrus in heat. (Please forgive the whining) but it's hard to handle even when I feel physically well. I've been sick for six week because some power tripping bit** VA doc would not give me antibiotics.

I should have been in the hospital weeks ago but did't have a roommate yet and no one to take care of my angel kitty boy. Don't care about the rest of it but if I lost my books and ms's I really would take the high dive.

I hallucinated a lot before getting on meds, but I think it is just the stress of the past year that has pushed me so close to another psychotic break.
So I just hide in my room and read and play on the comp. I've got eight days to heal-no appointments. I feel safe in my room.

Is this something anyone else has experienced? It's not that I'm apathetic, just so run down. Do you think that might be causing it? And when I hallucinate, (visual, not auditory) I mumble and say things that make no sense to anyone but me.

I won't bore you with the list of horrible thigs that have happened in the past ten months-I've already written about some of it. I'm not counting pills or anything (my pre-suicide ritual) but I feel like if things don't calm down I am heading for a bad ending.

All the loigical, practical and tender words you all have given me so far has helped tremendously and I thank you for that. But I would really appreciate some opinions on this and perhaps some wise words to help me keep my head above water. T&S

Idk about you but for me when I get really sick it sometimes triggers an episode. I don't get hallucinations though. It sounds like you've been through a really stressful period which could possibly be contributing to you starting to hallucinate again.

"I've got eight days to heal-no appointments", what do you mean by that? You can't see your doc? If the power tripping doc is the one you're seeing atm would it be possible to find another one?

I sometimes (not always admittedly...) find it helpful to force myself to get out, either to meet a friend or just by myself where I also feel safe and is relaxing to kinda break away from everything. It's not always a solution but the short term change in environment can be a sort of breathing space while you figure stuff out. If you don't feel like you can leave, maybe coming here to vent, writing, cooking, even just making tea (or coffee, somehow I think you're a tea person though... I wonder why heh). You probably already know this stuff already so apologies if I'm rehashing

Thanks sui generis-

No-when I get like this it's better to be alone. The Suicide Prevention Coordinator at the VA is my bud and I'll call her. Also have the VA crisis line and call them frequently.

I have a lot to do in terms of writing-have to kill 14,000 words on one ms.

I couldn't sleep so I called them and made a plan this morning-to make a cup of hot chocolate, take an extra klonipin, turn off the comp and watch a movie while reading a book. It worked.

Next Monday I'm going to the VA hospital talk to a committee in terms of what help I need physically and in psych needs. Isolating is good for me-I geet things done and not having to go out in the world is good for me.
Wierd, I know, but that's what works.

Thanks so much for writing-no one else did. So my plan right now is the same as last night. (hot choc at night-tea in the morning and afternoon!)
T&S

That's really good! I wish I could ring a crisis line but talking on the phone makes me anxious ><

Hello! Fellow writer though tbh I don't write a lot these days...

Ahhh this is good too, you can make it I can relate somewhat to the isolating thing. I've had times where I just needed to isolate for an extended period of time. If you ever wanna talk or wanna vent my PM is always open

Stress, sickness always causes an episode for me or just plain hallucinations, paranoia, and other funness. Your sick stay home germs aren't fun to share. Are you taking any over the counter meds? Can you go to a different Dr/urgent care/ er to see what they can do about the bronchitis. Even if it is prescribing you a inhaler to breathe better. If you have sleeping meds feel free to uses them liberally while sick,. You can't hallusinate when you're sleeping.

Hey, T&S Big time stress can mess with us, that's for sure. I don't really get visual hallucinations (except for hypnopompic ones, and they don't count), but know that exceptional levels of stress can send me to states more extreme than usual. Kind of a proportional thing. Feeling so run down? Yeah, that could be causing it…. since it tends to lower our defenses. Which would also make sense with the breaking through from your usual high-functioning. Not in conjunction with hallucinating (but in times of an acute stressor), I often mumble what would be heard by others as "nonsense" to myself too. For me there's a sense of "talking myself through something". Self-soothing, kind of grounding. Is that how yours is?

(What's ms's? Manuscripts?)

Thank you so much for writing!

I was being childish last night-but also freaking out so maybe it was okay. Coming here-beig able to post and vent (if need be) has done me a world of good. Now that I am taking the antibiotics, I'm already starting to feel better and no more hallucinations since Friday. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my late forties and a lot of damage had been done by then.

sui generis-Thank you so much for taking the time. When I have to interact with too many people in a short time span, I get very anxious. And I can't stand being touched by strangers, even if it's accidental. So eight days to write and read and make art is heaven.

The crisis line is for Vets and also families of Vets. So if your Mom or Dad were in the service, you could use it. I will PM the number for you. Talking on the phone makes me anxious as well, but all of the staff (and they are all over the country) have had extensive training and most have their degree.

My husband died ten months ago-I thought I was going to be evicted (no insurance) and then I picked a sociopath for a roommate. ((shiver)) She ripped me off, hid my things all over the house and since she had never paid a deposit, left me in the trenches financially. She also tried to destroy one of my novels and tried to poison me. (She knocked me down a couple of weeks ago and kept trying to kick me, but I beat her black and blue with my cane. )

Hardy hail and hello fellow writer! This is something we will definitely have to talk about!

Miguel's Mom-Thank you. I finally did get the atibiotics I need and have been taking an extra klonipin at night. I'm switching all my care to the big VA hospital because with their van service it's easier to get there and I would never see that other doc again.

Thank you InnerZone-yes, I agree. Getting sick is a terrible stresser. And I do talk to myself sometimes-or the comp or the tv or my cat and it is very soothing. I sing to my cat too, which he loves. He pats my face and I get kisses. And yes, ms's is manuscripts. Just started number 6.

So thank you all for caring and supporting me. I will do the same if I see a thread from you.

When I'm physically sick (especially if I have a fever) I get completely whacked out mentally. In fact, sometimes the mental oddness is the first symptom I have that I've caught something. You've really been through some hell over the past months, too...that can't be at all helpful for your mental health. You did get the antibiotics, right?

Yes, luv, I did. I told them (half jokingly) that I would either leave with a script or in handcuffs. I think they saw the rage in my eyes and decided a script was better than a crazy Irish woman losing her mind right in front of them. And I am already feeling a bit better.
Missed you o chat but left you a message. Till we can talk-

I talk to anything and everything -- and make them talk back, too! Love to make inanimate objects move around and carry on conversations, as well, lol. That's just for amusement though, and not like the mumbling thing.

Showed them!

Hey, hey! Saw on your page -- We have the same birthday! (Different year.)

I'm glad you are starting to feel better, T&S.