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#1
Feb 09, 2014, 11:39 PM
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I have no one else to tell so I thought I'd sit and tell you guys...
I'm tired of being tired and fed up with life. I'm so exhausted about trying to be well mannered and nice and controlled. I am losing control but whenever I tell anyone they don't believe me... Until is becomes a crisis it isn't happening. I have no ways to stopping it once it starts; I'm always gambling with my mind. Will it be a good day? Will I be able to think? Will I do well on this test or not? I want to just sit down and cry and ask someone what to do. No one really does know what to do. I can talk to my teachers but what are they going to say?! What is anyone going to say. I don't understand why this whole thing is so personal! I am always so worried about how I tell or share things with. I won't go in and talk to the councilor and I know it's stupid because she's more then happy to help me. I'll instead go talk to my teachers. She just tells me that she doesn't have the answers. But does anyone? Does anyone but me? Just get up and be better. Just make it stop and stand up for yourself. How do I stand up and face my mind?! I can't. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting and people trying to help me. I hate saying stupid depressed hopeless things and having them stuck there listening. I want to be fun happy hypomanic all the time. Without the anxiety and the anger and the fear. I don't know... I just don't know!!!  I wish someone would just tell me it'd be alright and hold me tight... but that's impossible because I would never let myself be that open. I'm so scared of tomorrow and what will happen... most of all... I'm just... scared of me. Thanks, Lillyleaf
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I hope, I dream, I wish, for a better tomorrow..... 
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 Alone & confused, Victoria'smom, wildflowerchild25, wing
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#2
Feb 10, 2014, 12:14 AM
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Lillyleaf, I love your entry because it is so passionate and raw. I am sorry that you are feeling isolated in your own abyss of depression. I too hate being around people who are never going to "get it" or have the answers, and blurting out something like-tonight when I was at work and I said "I don't give a f***," "well what do you mean?" asked my manager, and I replied "I just don't give a f*** about this job, I don't give a f*** about anything." He replied that it was "Strange to hear such vulgar language" coming from me. Which only made me more agitated, and disconnected.
If you feel scared of yourself, you should see a therapist and talk it out. If you are already seeing one, you need to see them more often. Talk to someone who might have some ideas as to how you can help yourself when you are in that desperate moment. I know how it is, I've been there.
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Bipolar; Mixed    Depakote 
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| Lillyleaf
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 Lillyleaf, wing
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#3
Feb 10, 2014, 03:38 AM
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I can so relate!
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| wing
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| Lillyleaf
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#4
Feb 10, 2014, 05:09 AM
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Same here. It's taking every measure of self control I have not to declare undying love for my friend ( I always get sexually unappropriate feelings for him when I'm hypomanic ). All I want is to hear his voice and for him to say things that excite me. I'm trying so hard not to message him and when I do I'm sat staring at my phone waiting for him to reply .
I want to email him and try to explain to him that I'm like this because of the bp and I need him just to stick with my until this cycle ends. But he really doesn't understand so it's pointless. This does well and truly suck !
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DX: BP II, Pure O OCD, Musical Hallucinosis 600mg Tegretol Tapering off Venlafaxine |
| Lillyleaf, wing
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| Lillyleaf
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#5
Feb 11, 2014, 06:08 AM
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I just wrote a thread similar to yours. Fighting every single day is exhausting. And I hate knowing "it will get better" because then I look back at the time I wasted while feeling hopeless. The best we can do is stick together. *hugs*
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| Hbomb0903
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#6
Feb 11, 2014, 08:31 AM
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I definitely know how you're feeling. It really sucks that we just have to wait things out and try to minimize any damage. You can do it!
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#7
May 22, 2014, 04:29 AM
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Quote:
Hang in there my friend and look forward to the good days. You already know these bad days don't last forever but don't fool yourself into thinking that the bad ones won't come back. You absolutely need your therapist. Mine literally saved my life. We can't internalize what we are going through, we need to talk about it.
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The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
| Lillyleaf
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| Lillyleaf
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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