[jlove973]

****I hope that this is ok to post here. I know everyone has other feeling's but these are just mine****

I feel I can start opening up more now that I have become more comfortable here at PC. I thought my Bi-Polar disorder would be the best place to begin. This is why I have never mentioned that I have it until now, because I have always tried to hide it. I have other issues going on, but I will begin here. I don't talk about it because I hate it. I just want to be....

The reason's why I hate being Bi-Polar are:

Not knowing....

If I will sleep the night before or that night.
If I will wake up,get up and actually stay up.
How my day is going to be.
How it will end up.
If I will make it through the day.
Who I will hurt in passing.
Who I will hurt in my personal life.
Why one moment I am Happy and the next I am Sad.
Why I am crying at the drop of a hat.
Why I Lack motivation.
Why I have Low self-esteem (no self-esteem).
Why, out of 7 kids do I have this disorder.

****Please add yours if you would like****

[lenjan]

You covered most of mine, but the one that's most crippling to my job right now, anyway, is that I'm incomprehensible. Everyone I talk to asks me to repeat myself more slowly. It's frustrating!

The 3-4 hours of sleep a night isn't helping right now, either, but I don't feel all that tired. Which is a bad thing. So are the lapses in judgment. My new catchphrase is, "But it seemed like a good idea at the time....."

[JonB]

I liked all of yours..

I'd have to agree with not knowing..

if I'm going to get any sleep
if I'm going to get up once I do get some sleep

and I'll add not knowing...

what medication is going to work and for how long
whether my good times mean bad times are inevitable
if all my best qualities are just a pathology
what the heck to do with myself / my time
if I'm going to finish any of these projects
if I'll be able to keep my big mouth and my wallet shut
if I'm going to spend the rest of my life spinning my wheels
if I'm going to pass this on to the best thing I ever helped create in my life, my child

Relapses--even after being stable for 4 years. It's a difficult disorder for people (like my husband) to understand cuz it has so much to do with thoughts (irrational ones), emotions (felt way too deeply) & then behaviors that I should be able to control (like overspending). He often says the treatment is unscientific (he's a research scientist) cuz "They just throw pills at you." If I'm having a bad day he'll say "Take another pill."--Suzy

[jlove973]

?

I forgot thanks for mentioning both of you...
Not knowing why I spend so much money I feel like an addict with this stupid disorder.

This is one of my main problems. 3 good thing's is that I pay cash for everything never owned a credit card and I only pretty much buy necessities(YEAH! RIGHT!)on the necessities part so my man thinks. My boyfriend says at least you only like to binge really at the $1.00 stores. For me that can be a deadly issue to. Since I take the bus everywhere I can only carry so much. Believe me I have had my arms loaded with stuff and this is not during the Holidays.
What he doesn't like is just out of the blue when I want to hit Walmart or the mall I will splurge then feel bad about it and bring it back the next day my boyfriend hates when I do that. I hate when I do that. Actually let me refraise that I love when I shop I hate feeling guilty about it then having to bring it all back.

Recently, I spent $200.00 on my self for clothes(Which I never buy for myself ever!!!)and I told him about it and he said he was prowd of me for doing it, because I need them and because I never buy for myself. Then I felt guilty and felt that I could use that on my daughter. So, the next day brought it all back.
Buy for me whats that. I don't deserve it.

I HATE BEING BI-POLAR. I REALLY DO I am crying now so gotta go. Thanks for letting me talk.
I love you guys here.
Jlove

[darkeyes]

I love your "siggy", what a beautiful saying.

[jlove973]

Thank you