[Skitz13]

i've been living with a mixed episode for a couple of weeks now. This has been a very difficult time because this has been my first experience with mixed episodes. I've started referring to myself as Sybil.
The mood swings are getting better. Not as often but I found the last 2 days I was slipping into a depression. Yesterday I couldn't even get up. This morning didn't start out to well but I got myself up, went for a 4 mile walk, came home and made dinners for the next 7 days and cleaned and spoke to people that I hide from when I'm unwell especially my Dad who lives far away and worries even though he doesn't understand, I know he loves me regardless. Manic? Or maybe just a good day. I thought I should do all I could while I was up to it because the future is so unpredictable these days.
When I really become unstable I turn into this person that I don't even know and because I'm so aware now, I know that at anytime I could wake up one morning and be gone. Terrifying!!!
last week my therapist had me write out all the things that we're "me" when I'm well. She told me to put the list beside my bed and read it every night and every morning and she feels that will keep me connected. I hope she's right.

[kaliope]

im so sorry that you have to live with this instability. it is positive that you are being future oriented and making the most of your energetic times. I am glad you are working with a therapist to help you through. staying connected sounds like a good thing, take care.

[Hbomb0903]

Again your experiences echo my own, and I am obsessively yearning for a sense of being "myself"? I find it really hard to even describe in words, but this last 3 months I have also been in a ridiculously roller-coaster ride of mood instability. I am truly at my wit's end with myself??!!

And forget relationships lately. I've been just all over the place. I'm looking into a residential treatment facility, but am hesitant because I think I need help, serious help, with specific aspects of how this disorder affects me. I just don't have the support in my life and somehow know I can't do this alone?

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

Again your experiences echo my own, and I am obsessively yearning for a sense of being "myself"? I find it really hard to even describe in words, but this last 3 months I have also been in a ridiculously roller-coaster ride of mood instability. I am truly at my wit's end with myself??!!

And forget relationships lately. I've been just all over the place. I'm looking into a residential treatment facility, but am hesitant because I think I need help, serious help, with specific aspects of how this disorder affects me. I just don't have the support in my life and somehow know I can't do this alone?

You can do this,Hbom0903. I've had to get a lot of help and do it on my own. When I had my break 3 years ago and I lost everything, I also lost my family and friends. My daughters weren't even speaking to me. You see I had had a really serious suicide attempt and know one understood nor did they try because they were just so angry at me and some even felt I was attention seeking.
I knew then more than ever how badly I needed the right kind of help and threw myself into it, doing whatever it took. It was the absolute worst period of my life.
I took every opportunity that presented itself because, well... I couldn't seem to be able to kill myself so there was only one alternative and I'm grateful to have found it.
My quality of life is so much better now. I've had a lot of therapy and have done some residential treatment.
I still struggle and still not able to work but I'm getting there. It's a slow process but it's worth it.
You go and do this, my friend. I promise you it'll change your life for the better.