[wildflowerchild25]

So I was able to climb out of the pit slightly on Wednesday. Went from a one on a one to ten scale to a four. So I didn't cry for like four days straight, I could eat more, I could do basic things like shower, make meals for my son, go to the store, etc.

But I'm still depressed. I still have no joy, I'm still unmotivated, I still have crushing anxiety, I still just feel exhausted and sad and down. It sucks. And today I had to go back to work. I was hoping in the two weeks between the regular school year ending and summer school beginning I would magically stabilize while attending partial, but it was not to be. I steadily got worse until it picked up slightly.

Driving home I just felt defeated. I mean I can think more clearly now so I was able to formulate a suicide plan. But then after I realized I'd been planning suicide for the better part of a half hour I was just mad. Like what the hell? I don't want to be this way. But I'm creeping up on six weeks depressed, which for a rapid cycler like me is an eternity. I don't know how some of you long checkers spend months - years - in this state. Except I think I feel it. Do you just get comfortable? Because that's kind of where I feel like I am.

I feel like this is not going to change. I don't have meds left to try, really. ECT might work but if I do that I'll be out of work for weeks, which we can't afford. I don't want the memory loss that comes with it either. I just want to lay on the couch and just give up. Like ok, you got me depression. I'm not going to kill myself because I couldn't do that to my family, so I'm just going to sink into the cushions until I meld to them. Except I get up and go to work. I guess I'll just wait to be fired. That can't be too far off. It's so unfair to my student to have a ****ed up teacher. I bet we could be doing way better stuff if I could handle it.

I'm so tired. I just want to gt better but I'm out of ideas. And motivation. I'm comfortable. I guess that's the worst.

[Victoria'smom]

It hurts so bad when you get comfy and you just want to wait.

[~Christina]

Its okay to get comfortable feeling the way you do for now.. Just float for a while and know that indeed bipolar will cycle . You just started a new medication and that will take time to work.

Be kind to yourself

[inflammable]

I can relate to these feelings. All I can say is to hang in there. I know how rough it is, and how worthless I have felt when I've been in these states. Do you have any support? Maybe someone in your family? You clearly express yourself well in writing -- do you journal, or express your feelings in some other creative way? Having support and a creative outlet helps me. Sometimes also distraction -- crossword puzzles for whatever reason work for me, even in the midst of a lasting depression. Aromatherapy, with nice candles. Popping bubble wrap.

Sometimes with depression, it's partially about waiting it out, and partially about tricking your mind by doing other things. Work is a great distraction for me. Is it for you? It's odd how I can be so completely depressed, yet still perform well at work. You might be a better teacher than you realize.

[Curiosity77]

Depression really sucks. When i'm depressed it feels like i've always felt that way and that i will never feel any different. It's kind of like i forget there is any other way to feel. And then it lifts a little, and slowly things get better. I was depressed in the winter, and all i did was go to work and come home and lie on the couch or sleep. I had no motivation to do anything, and i didn't want to see anyone. I didn't have any med changes, i just waited it out, and i came out of it on my own. But it really felt like that was all there was to life. My life felt so pointless, loss of any meaning. I wasn't even that sad, i just felt nothing and was apathetic. It's amazing that i don't feel that way now. This will pass for you too. Nothing is constant in bipolar, so this depression you are feeling is temporary. Do what you can, and it's ok if that isn't very much. This too shall pass

[sarahblue]

It's so amazing that you are managing to keep moving during this and show up for work. That's a miracle right there. I don't know how much you have told your supervisors, but maybe at least you can give them a heads up that you are recovering from an illness and may need some time off, so that if you can't show up one day they'll be prepared. I know this is tricky when you have a job like teacher. But at least it might eliminate the dread that you are going to be fired.

Are you in therapy? Can you talk to your therapist about how things are going?

[lilypup]

I was a teacher and I had to be "on" to keep my class engaged and learning. I have no idea how you are doing it. I agree with the others, it will pass. But it is hell to be where you are.

[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks everyone. I think you are all right, I just have to wait it out. I just rarely have to wait so long for a flip. And when I do I tend to blame the meds for stomping the mania out but keeping the depression strong...but now I don't know what to think. That was my argument against abilify last year but here I am a year later in the exact same position on a totally different regimen. So maybe it's just me.

I guess I just have to take it easy until it passes. Even though it feels like it will be forever, it can't be, right? I've proved that I do have bipolar time and time again so even though the seeds of doubt are sprouting again I know it's just depression talking. Ugh. Just shut up already.

I did drop down to IOP again so I'm going to therapy tonight. I'll share with them how I'm feeling which is not like I want to go to group at all, that's for sure. But I'll drag myself there. Too bad it's DBT night! I hate learning DBT. I've already learned it.

[swheaton]

Oh Hun, please hang in there..bipolar is such a bumpy ride. I wish there was something I could do or say. Just remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.