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#1
Jul 16, 2014, 01:30 PM
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Hi All,
I'm new to the forum but I've had bipolar 2 since I was about 10. Had no treatment for about 10 years, am just now getting started on Depakote and therapy. I'm also taking a break from work due to mixed episodes and massive panic attacks, but I'm back to work next week (hopefully the meds kick in by then). I'm engaged to this wonderful man who I've been dating for about 3 years now. He is absolutely the perfect guy in every sense of the word. We're supposed to get married this October but here's the thing... I'm having all these second thoughts! I don't know if I'm ready to get married. I don't know if he's the right person either... I mean I love him but we don't have the same connection that I've had with previous boyfriends (could have just been hypomania but it felt so intense). He also lies sometimes about job-related issues and that really bothers me, although he has started treatment and therapy for that because he admits it's an issue. Part of me just wants to learn to do things on my own and face my fears, become my own person. I feel like I haven't even accomplished anything in my life. Other people my age are graduating college and have dreams they're pursuing. I want to get a van and drive around the country sight-seeing and discovering myself. I feel like I'm too scared to take either plunge. I'm too scared to marry my guy and I'm too scared to go off on my own. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I feel like I can't make a decision no matter how hard I try! |
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#2
Jul 17, 2014, 05:48 AM
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Quote:
The concerns you express about your boyfriend belie the quote. Does your treatment team know about what you have just told us? Seems to me, you might regret not being free to grow and learn more about yourself and the world. I wish you well. |
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#3
Jul 17, 2014, 06:53 AM
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Just because your getting married does not mean your dreams are gone and your traveling has to stop. You've been together for three years. Will your relationship change because of a ring on your left hand?
The best part of marriage is that you have a partner enjoying the same activities for the rest of your life. What an awesome thing. Your best friend at your side. No one is perfect and we all have our demons. At least he is taking steps to improve himself, more then a lot of people do. He excepts you, except him. I wanted to finish college but it didn't happen. Instead I was able to see part of the world I never thought I would ever see. I have two awesome kids I would not trade for all the tea in china. My path has taken me on an adventure I never thought would happen. Was it in my plans? Nope. Do I have regret, not a one. Cold feet is normal. If you love him and see yourself with him for the rest of your life....sit back and enjoy the ride. 
__________________
I asked God to keep me safe from my enemies, now half my friends are gone. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Bipolar I MDD -------------------------------------------------------------------- Lamictal-100mg Effexor-225mg Trazodone-100mg propranolol 80mg |
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#4
Jul 17, 2014, 09:23 AM
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We all have those times are wishing that we had things different - lots of people who are doing things like travelling or who have found their ideal jobs go through times where they would give it all up if they could just have found someone to spend their lives with. (I fall into that court..... I got my degree and I've travelled a lot... and there have been times where I've been jealous of people from highschool who've well, done pretty much nothing since highschool except get married and have kids. I don't really even wants kids, but I've still had times where I'm jealous!)
Sometimes it's just cold feet. It's totally normal. Can you really imagine your life without him? Does having him in your life outweigh not having him? Everything else that you want to achieve... you can pretty well achieve it while having someone ot love in your life. But if you bail on him to travel and see the world... well... you can never be sure if you'll ever find someone to love you and that you'll love the way you say that you love him. I definitely think we do tend to do things a bit more "intensely" but well.... are those intense relationships ever really healthy for us? haha. I'm just reflecting on my own life atm... I've had a lot of intense relationships. And afterwards, realized just how unequal they were and that I was really rather poorly treated. But the relationship I'm in right now? It's healthy, my happiness matters as much as his does. But it's not intense. Sometimes I've been questioning it the way that you seem to be.... but you know, at least for me... the lower intensity demonstrates more stability and long-term potential, because he's staying with me even without it. And hey - you've only mentioned one thing about him that really bothers you... and you followed that by saying that he's trying to get help with it! Which sort of rocks, so many people won't seek help! Is there any chance that you're a bit hypomanic? When I'm in an up (and it's pretty common for us all) I just want to bail on EVERYHING to go pursue something else. I never do, because I can sit down and force myself to do pros/cons.... and the "But I WANT TO" argument doesn't last too long when I start adding in things like "will go broke" (gotta love being practical at my core!). Good luck though!! I'd definitely talk to your T about things to see if they can help you sort out what you actually really want.. and whether or not this is just fear creeping in.
__________________
"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#5
Jul 17, 2014, 10:16 AM
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I was diagnosed at 23 bi polar 2. I used to change jobs, careers, boyfriend, girlfriends, homes, and states like people change their clothes. In my thirties I realized I had no resume or relationship in my life to speak of. Everything I ever really wanted I didn't have. If I knew then what I know now and I had a partner whom I loved, I would personally get married and love unconditionally. I would support their dreams and aspirations and they would support mine as an individual as well as ours as a couple. I would know I am a challenge and that life throws speed bumps our way and together we can ride over them. I would know that we will be stronger as a couple and as individuals as we overcome these obstacles. I would be sure that I knew that my partner is never the enemy and not to let finances cause friction. Never go to bed angry. Also say I love you when they leave because you don't know if you will see them again. I would remember to appreciate what I have ever day. The simplest things, when they are gone, are the ones I would miss the most. ( This is a combination of my grandparents advice 65 years of marriage. My parents 30 years. Me finally 8 years and counting
 God bless you in all you choose to do in this life!
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#6
Jul 17, 2014, 10:45 AM
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It might just be cold feet, but if you are having serious doubts you should pay attention to that. Divorce is terrible, and so is giving up your dreams for another person. You could end up resenting him that you never traveled. I think you should have a good look at what you want and whether you feel it with your partner. Maybe talk it through with a therapist. Marriage is great, but it can also be a trap. So enter with care.
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
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#7
Jul 17, 2014, 11:49 AM
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It's easy to see why I'm with my fiance, remembering all this reminds me of how easy and drama-free our relationship has been! Idk why but it's so easy for my brain to laser-focus on the 5 fights we've had over the course of our 3 year relationship... O.o |
 buzz bee
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