warning, crazytown

Ok, so as fun (and I mean FUNNNNN) as this is, being manic, I am getting THIS close to the stage where I lose insight and I really need to get a handle on it.

Yesterday I started 2 mg of Ativan at night to try and drop me and make me sleep. I'm also on 6 mg of Abilify at dinner and 400 mg of Seroquel and 1 mg of Risperidone before bed. I took it, and 90 minutes later I was still awake. Eventually I started to feel kind of spacey but still very energetic. I slept about 5 hours.

Today I am still high energy, euphoric, social. I want to spend money and that's a problem - the only money I have is put aside for rent so if I spend it I'll be screwed. I'm thinking of paying my rent tonight just so it's paid.

I'm getting into the delusion stage though, even though I can still TELL I'm on the edge of it. In a previous manic episode I was obsessed with the music interval "perfect fifth" and was convinced if I could figure out the secret of it, I could heal people with it.

I can feel that delusion returning but it's slightly different this time - I guess I'm more selfish this time, because I'm starting to believe that whatever the magic behind the perfect fifth is, I don't need to heal anyone with it - I just need to heal ME and I can absorb the power of it and become something supernatural. I've been digging through my music and have made a list of a few of the most important songs with perfect fifth.

Blackbird - Beatles (the line "dead of night" is a perfect fifth)
Hey Jupiter - Tori Amos (the original piano version opens with an open perfect fifth chord repeated)
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol (the main piano accompaniment is just repeated 1 5 1 5 1 5)
Shake It Out - the acoustic version by Florence and the Machine (the lyrics "I can see no way" is 1 2 3 4 5)
The Scientist - Coldplay (has a repeating perfect fifth a lot)

These five (HA FIVE) heavily feature the perfect fifth, and also mean a lot to me, so if I'm going to use the perfect fifth to become powerful, these are the ones.

I still KNOW this is crazy talking. I want to make a map of the lyrics that coincide with perfect fifths in these songs and work out some sort of message but I'm not letting myself do that. I'm trying NOT to get caught up in this. It's just the mania talking. However real it feels, it's just the mania talking.

I put a big sign on my wall that says "don't listen to me, I'm manic".

I have a week with very little social contact, no theatre rehearsals. My pdoc wants me to take the Ativan every night and try and come down from the mania, do relaxing things, re-establish a routine. That's what I'm going to try, before it's too late and I lose functioning.

EDIT: I'm not in danger, I'm still able to push away these ideas and see them as delusions.

Good job for recognizing your delusions as delusions. That is the key.

I know that line between thinking what I believe is false with maybe some truth to believing with my heart and soul that a delusion is real. It is a scary line and at a point the delusion itself can become terrifying. Please stay in close contact with your pdoc and post here all the time. Stay safe!

Be safe....best wishes

my next psych nurse appointment is next Wednesday. She won't be in the office the rest of the week, but she gave me the name of a different psych nurse. Unfortunately I forgot it, but I can just call the office and say I forgot. If it stays bad, I MIGHT call early, but really, it would be hard to because I don't want to explain delusions to a psych nurse I've never spoken to before. My psych nurse is back on Tuesday, and there's a mobile crisis unit I could call for an assessment.

But really I'm fine, better than fine, just a little crazy but harmless.

I'm most worried about the isolation. No rehearsals means practically no social contact. Trying to come up with ideas to not be so isolated.

All right, so I'm working on the isolation. Seeing a friend tomorrow and another one on Saturday. I know if I'm alone with these thoughts for too many days in a row it will get out of hand. Tried to see if the local mental health drop in was doing anything but it's a long weekend.

Perhaps you could try calling a support center for some human interaction?

I love your siggy picture! ^^

I could call a helpline, maybe. I feel like crisis lines are for people in crisis, not people happily manic.

LucidInterval.org - A Self-Management Guide for Bipolar Disorder

Worth looking into, right? Maybe there is an idea or two that helps the time go smoothly.

I will look at that site when I can read. Can't read right now.