[Ellie1]

I've had depressions this bad, I believe the last one might have even been worse, or maybe just different. I'm not crying, I'm not even sad. I just feel cold and distant and so done. I spend most of my time in bed with my ipod plugged into my ears and i just want to be left alone. When I'm not left alone I'm enraged. I'm pretty sure I don't have a phone anymore. After it rang the third time this morning I heaved it at the wall.
My grandson said something this afternoon that even made me laugh. Except, it felt loud and harsh. It actually scared me a little. Everything is really off. And now I'm pulling my second all-nighter in the last three days. Not typical for me when I'm depressed. I want to sleep all the time, but in truth I'm barely sleeping at all. The only time I really sleep is when I pull an old bottle of Seroquel out of my drug safe and nuke myself with it.
I don't have a pdoc. Nor even a GP right now. and with no ins and no medicaid I cant get one. I've been in this state too long to try to contact my last dr. Its been more than a year. I hated the Abilify when I was on it but now I'm in hell and I wish to god I had it back. I don't recall ever wanting to be in the hospital before.
I really thought about just going to the ER today and hope they admitted me. But considering my husband just bailed I can't really do that. My kids will end up in foster care. Or he'll come back and take them and I'll never get them back. Plus my daughter will be mad if she has to find another sitter. They don't care if I'm depressed or suicidal, as long as I'm here when they drop off their kids. I don't even tell them I'm feeling bad anymore. My middle daughter told me she doesn't believe in clinical depression or bipolar, that it's just me feeling sorry for myself. And she's an RN no less. I feel like I have to hide how I feel all the time so they aren't constantly tearing me down for being miserable.
There's just this pressure building. sometimes I feel like I'm going to start screaming and I'm never going to be able to stop. I've tried some of my old anxiety reducing behaviors, and even that didn't give me any relief. And as weird as it sounds, while I'm not seeing or hearing things, I'm smelling things. Things like natural gas, and gasoline and smoke on a regular basis. I even had my daughter come over because I was afraid we had an electrical fire going in the wall, but nobody else can smell this stuff but me.
I'm fed up with being scared all the time. Of worrying about how I'm going to support my kids when I can barely go to the grocery store. Within the next two maybe three weeks at the outside, I'll have lost everything and then the kids will have to go to their dad anyway. I just don't see any point in sticking around for that.

[buzz bee]

Originally Posted by Ellie1

I've had depressions this bad, I believe the last one might have even been worse, or maybe just different. I'm not crying, I'm not even sad. I just feel cold and distant and so done. I spend most of my time in bed with my ipod plugged into my ears and i just want to be left alone. When I'm not left alone I'm enraged. I'm pretty sure I don't have a phone anymore. After it rang the third time this morning I heaved it at the wall.
My grandson said something this afternoon that even made me laugh. Except, it felt loud and harsh. It actually scared me a little. Everything is really off. And now I'm pulling my second all-nighter in the last three days. Not typical for me when I'm depressed. I want to sleep all the time, but in truth I'm barely sleeping at all. The only time I really sleep is when I pull an old bottle of Seroquel out of my drug safe and nuke myself with it.
I don't have a pdoc. Nor even a GP right now. and with no ins and no medicaid I cant get one. I've been in this state too long to try to contact my last dr. Its been more than a year. I hated the Abilify when I was on it but now I'm in hell and I wish to god I had it back. I don't recall ever wanting to be in the hospital before.
I really thought about just going to the ER today and hope they admitted me. But considering my husband just bailed I can't really do that. My kids will end up in foster care. Or he'll come back and take them and I'll never get them back. Plus my daughter will be mad if she has to find another sitter. They don't care if I'm depressed or suicidal, as long as I'm here when they drop off their kids. I don't even tell them I'm feeling bad anymore. My middle daughter told me she doesn't believe in clinical depression or bipolar, that it's just me feeling sorry for myself. And she's an RN no less. I feel like I have to hide how I feel all the time so they aren't constantly tearing me down for being miserable.
There's just this pressure building. sometimes I feel like I'm going to start screaming and I'm never going to be able to stop. I've tried some of my old anxiety reducing behaviors, and even that didn't give me any relief. And as weird as it sounds, while I'm not seeing or hearing things, I'm smelling things. Things like natural gas, and gasoline and smoke on a regular basis. I even had my daughter come over because I was afraid we had an electrical fire going in the wall, but nobody else can smell this stuff but me.
I'm fed up with being scared all the time. Of worrying about how I'm going to support my kids when I can barely go to the grocery store. Within the next two maybe three weeks at the outside, I'll have lost everything and then the kids will have to go to their dad anyway. I just don't see any point in sticking around for that.

Im sorry to hear this. I have no answer, but I didnt want to leave you without telling you how sorry I am

[Hobbit House]

I also am sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Could you get Obamacare? That way you could see a T, also sounds like you might need to try social services. They were set up for people going through situations like yours.
I hope you have a friend you can turn to for support close by. If not, we are here.

[Ellie1]

I don't really have friends anymore. I tend to isolate and drive people away. I tried the obamacare thing. The website told me to apply for medicaid and medicaid denied my application. Now the window for Obamacare is closed. Talk therapy has never worked for me anyway. I'm not much of a communicator either. Too many trust issues. I would desperately love to get back on my meds though. Funny that when I was on them how much I hated them, it's only now that I'm drowning in this abyss that I realize they're probably all that can save me.

[Hobbit House]

Sorry to hear that. I am at a loss... is there a medication program in your town? When I lived in NC I know they had a med program available to those people who were low income like me. They supply meds at no cost or reduced cost. I hope this helps

[Ellie1]

No, I've scoured the internet for available programs. If I were still in my home state in the midwest I'd be ok but here in the south if you aren't pregnant or suffering from an STD there is nothing available. They have cut all mental health assistance programs here.

[newtothis31]

Could you maybe call the United Way crisis line? Sometimes communities don't have everything for mental health listed online.
If you haven't already checked- Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance might be a good resource to check out.
Hang in there & keep fighting,
Meredith

[Love&Toil]

Originally Posted by Ellie1

I'm fed up with being scared all the time. Of worrying about how I'm going to support my kids when I can barely go to the grocery store. Within the next two maybe three weeks at the outside, I'll have lost everything and then the kids will have to go to their dad anyway. I just don't see any point in sticking around for that.

What do you mean by this? You can barely get to the grocery store because you have no get-up-and-go and are stuck at home? Or you are financial in trouble? What do you mean you will have lost everything in the next 2-3 weeks?

[Ellie1]

My husband left me financially destroyed, intentionally I believe, in addition I have great difficulty leaving the house. I'm having panic attacks in public. Really quite humiliating.

[~Christina]

Im so sorry you are going through all this. You really do need help. last resort you can go to the er from there inpatient ( i know you really dont want to do that ) once inpatient you will be started on medications and they can get you stable and more functional .. while in there a social worker can get your set up .with a Pdoc and T... Also because of your finacial situation they will be able to get you on medicaid and they will set you up with any kind of help possible .

Please take can of you

[Ellie1]

I actually would like to go to the ER. I'm just afraid I'll lose my kids. And calling crisis lines always makes me think the police are going to show up at my door.

[~Christina]

Do you have family that your kids can stay with ? Just because your getting help doesnt mean you will lose your kids .. It just proves your taking care of yourself so that you are able to be the best mom possible.

[Victoria'smom]

Can your daughter watch your kids?

[Ellie1]

I'm the babysitter for my daughters when they work. They won't be able to watch mine. I don't have any friends or anything. There really isn't anyone.