[Double Edge]

Hello All,

This is my first time using a support forum, and after my recent diagnosis of Bipolar I this past Monday, I decided it was time to reach out and build some kind of support system and hopefully get feedback from others going through similar issues.

My head is still spinning from the diagnosis, and I am still in some shock coming to terms to it. The more that I think about it, the less it seems like a surprise, but it's still a hard pill to swallow. I don't feel like I have anywhere to really "let loose" without judgment, so hence my posting here. I hope to be able to hear from others who have experienced similar things, and maybe not feel so alone as I do right now.

Some background leading up to my recent diagnosis:

- I was in a bad car accident June 2010 that resulted in PTSD, in addition to a number of severe physical injuries (concussion, L4/L5 disc herniation, S1 hip dysfunction, bursitis in knees and hips). I began seeing a psychologist for treatment.
- The PTSD brought up repressed memories of prior traumas that I had clearly forgotten about, making everything even worse. (TRIGGER) These forgotten prior traumas including an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, a rape, and a childhood sexual abuse incident.
- About a week before my car accident, I met a man who would, in six months, become my husband. Despite the sudden onset of my medical and psychological issues, he refused to leave my side and took care of me during this time.
- During all this, I also suffered severe major depression, while mostly working full-time and attending undergraduate university as well, taking a year off from work after losing my job thanks to missing too much work due to medical issues (continuing chronic back pain and migraines).
- It took just under two years for me to fully come to a place with my PTSD that was under control. I finally was able to stop seeing my psychologist, and found a new job with a significant pay and status increase in May 2012. I felt like I was on top of the world, finally beating my demons at long last and able to take on anything. I was taking full-time school on top of working anywhere between 50-60 hours a week, and sleeping very little. This, I thought, was my "normal, not depressed self."
- Suddenly, in January of 2013, my depression symptoms started coming back with a vengeance. I started seeing my psychologist again.
- Enter marital problems, lots of arguments, especially over my very occasional drinking. (Occasional being maybe about once a month.)
- I refused to accept my depression was returning, even as it worsened. I confided in a friend that I was terrified of trying anti-depressants again because of my horrible past reactions. She of course told me sometimes it takes awhile to find the right medication—something I knew, but something I still feared going through again. I have had multiple seriously adverse reactions to SSRIs/SNRIs in the past. Each time one was prescribed in past years (Prozac for PMDD/depression, Savella for nerve pain, Lyrica for nerve pain), I had a horrible reaction ranging from total uncontrollable rage to uncontrollable crying, to total hysteria (which ended up with a night in the psych ward).
- In July 2013, my orthopedic specialist prescribed me Cymbalta for nerve pain I was experiencing. I was nervous about taking an SNRI, but trusted my doctor, against my better judgment.
- The Cymbalta made me feel like I was losing my mind, not to mention giving me permanently dilated pupils which made me feel really conspicuous everywhere I went. My depression worsened.
- After confiding about my increasing depression symptoms to a professor in August 2013, she convinced me to get help from a psychiatrist, as the Cymbalta didn't seem like it was the best fit and especially since it wasn't being monitored by a psychological professional. I started seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed me Wellbutrin XL.
- In October 2013, I had a PTSD relapse when a male professor and advisor suddenly yelled at me for no reason, triggering flashbacks and nightmares of my past abuse.
- I had to take time off my job to cope with this relapse, ending up with a six month leave of absence. My depression severely worsened to the point of suicidal thoughts, along with the hypervigilance, flashbacks, and nightmares of the PTSD. I felt like no matter how good I felt or how well I did, that I would never be able to escape the burden that is PTSD and depression.
- After a couple months of the Wellbutrin XL, my doctor added Abilify to help potentiate the anti-depressive effects, as things were not improving much.
- My depression slowly began to improve. Suicidal thoughts slowly went away, I started forcing myself out to see people and do hobbies again that I had given up on, but the depression still didn't really let go.
- During this time, memory problems that I had previously attributed to various pain medications, my depression, or my PTSD became more pronounced, to the point where I was having trouble with school, home, and eventually work upon my return.
- Last month, fearing the worst (permanent brain/cognitive damage from the car accident), I confided to my psychologist about my memory problems, which was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I was definitely in denial about them for the past four years. She suggested I get a neuropsychological evaluation to see what was going on. I was terrified this would mean the end of my dreams of going to graduate school and on to obtain a PhD (in clinical psychology, ironically).
- I left my highly stressful job as the reintegration after the leave of absence was horrible thanks to a new boss who basically did not know what the flip she was doing. I got a new job teaching children with autism and other pervasive developmental disorders social skills and other behavioral interventions. I just started training on Tuesday.
- I got the neuropsych evaluation results this past Monday. On the plus side, they found no evidence of cognitive dysfunction or brain damage, and instead told me I had scored average to above average on all tests of cognitive function and intelligence. They said they had full confidence I would succeed in graduate school and in a professional psychological career, and that cognitively I would be able to handle its demands. However, they did diagnose me with Bipolar I, and pointed out that the times I had described to them when I hadn't felt depressed in the past were likely manic episodes. They told me that stress was my likely trigger, and that it will be my "Achilles heel" going forward, something I would need to protect myself from, in addition to other traumatic triggers (e.g., angry, yelling males). They also gave me a diagnosis of Alcohol Abuse, only because of the multiple arguments I've had with my spouse over my drinking, and my continuing to drink in face of this. This diagnosis I'm not so sure about yet, because I've talked over these issues with my psychologist and we think that there's something triggering him about my drinking, and that my drinking is not out of control (I hardly drink, MAYBE once a month on average).

Objectively, this made sense to me given my adverse reactions to SSRIs/SNRIs. However, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I have Bipolar I disorder, a lifelong illness. I'm having a hard time realizing that all the times in the past where I thought I felt "normal," I was really manic. That all those shopping sprees and vacations in the past I chalked up to "self-care" and "healthy self-indulgence" were really the results of my mania. That a whole bunch of other stupid things I'm not proud of that I've done in the past were the result of my mania. That I don't really know what "normal" feels like, and don't know if I will ever know. I'm having a hard time accepting I will need to be on medication for the rest of my life. I'm having a really hard time accepting that the depression that I feel is what I will probably feel most of the time in between the mania.

I've told my husband this, who says he doesn't love me any less, but I fear that I am just a huge burden to him, and feel that he would be better off without me, because who knows what will happen the next time the mania comes around. I don't know how I can tell the rest of my family, or all but two of my friends. I fear the stigmatization, and feel like this is yet another burden I have to carry along with the PTSD and depression, but 100x worse.

How do you get past this shock? How do you get to the place of acceptance? Does that ever come? I know I've gotten there with my PTSD: I know it wasn't my fault, and have come a very long way in dealing with it, but I don't know how I'll ever get there with Bipolar. I'm terrified of even telling my psychologist and psychiatrist, not because they will judge me, but that somehow admitting it to them means I can't hide it from myself anymore, and I think I'm somewhat still in denial of this whole thing. Like this is a nightmare I will wake up from any moment. I'm afraid it will prevent me from being able to do my job now, and prevent me from accomplishing my educational and professional goals in the future. I don't think I've ever been so terrified, and PTSD is pretty damn terrifying. The suicidal thoughts have come back, and I really hate that.

What have others done in these situations? What helped you cope? What helped you find acceptance? How do you tell others about it? Do you hide it to avoid stigmatization or do you own it? I would love to hear from others on this, because right now I feel like I'm in a battle against the world with no one but myself and one puny sword against an army with full artillery and tanks. I don't know how I'm going to survive this.

Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for your feedback. I really appreciate any advice anyone may have.

[Crazy Hitch]

Look at it this way. Now that you have a diagnosis you can receive appropriate treatment which will hopefully lessen the severity of either pole. I think people will interpret the term acceptance differently. I find routine very useful. It's just habit now when I take my meds and I don't even think about it. As for confiding in other people. I don't. Just don't want the stigma with my friends. As for disputes with my husband over anything BP Related I just remind myself in my head that's HIS opinion and he's not BP. Really helps to find a good psychiatrist that you trust. I went through a few until I found "the one". He's a keeper. It never goes away you're right. I've never asked why me. It just is what it is. I'm a functioning human being who has relapses every now and again that impair my functioning but with the right balance of meds I can go through normal mood episodes in between.

[~Christina]

Learning to accept BP is different for everyone.. Some accept it and march right along, some struggle for a long time.. I personally chose to just accept that Bipolar is part of me. Its not good or bad it is just here.

As you already have been able to look back at your life and realize that BP "fits" .. The thing you need to focus on is that.. adn the "label" doesnt change who you are at all.. You are still you in every way. I was diagnosed at age 43 .. yes looking back BP fit I thought everyone had racing thoughts and ups and downs and felt suicidal here and there .. But I got married had a child and jobs I loved ... So life does have a way of just moving right along . Bipolar doesnt define you unless YOU allow it to.

Now that you have the diagnosis you can learn how to live with Bipolar.. You can go the medication route if you choose too, regardless you will need to learn coping skills and know how and when you actually use them.

As far as telling people ? Well thats a personal decision.. many people tell everyone.. Some people are very picky and may only tell a friend or two , some people tell no one ..its not a case of shame its just a personal decision. It can be helpful to talk to your therapist about disclosing and find out what will work for you.

You can still follow your dreams and have a wonderful life Bipolar is not the worst thing to have.

Welcome to PC

[BipolaRNurse]

Wise words from a wise lady ^^.

It took me almost 2 years to accept the diagnosis, even though it was a relief in a way because it explained so much of my life. But eventually I got there, and now I know it's a part of me, like brown eyes and a funny-looking birthmark on my left arm. You'll get there. Give yourself time.

[Double Edge]

Thank you Hooligan, ~Christina, and BipolaRNurse for your advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. For sure, having the actual diagnosis does bring relief in a way, and does help to validate some suspicions I had in the past. I'd told my psychiatrist once that I suspected BP sometimes, but he was reluctant to diagnose me mainly because he has only seen me depressed and in the throes of my PTSD. He suggested maybe cyclothymia, but didn't want to make any official call. I always secretly suspected BP because of my horrible reactions to SSRIs/SNRIs, but this didn't get validated until my neuropsych evaluation, where they told me that was classic of BP and very strong evidence for the diagnosis. So I'm not so sure about my psychiatrist now, but it's hard to find a good one here in Hawaii... I've had two really bad ones in the past that turned me off to even trying to get help for years.

I guess what I mean by "acceptance" is feeling okay with it. Knowing that that's who I am, that there's nothing wrong with it, and that's the hand I was dealt and none of it is my fault. I've gotten to that place with my PTSD, but I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the BP dx because of just realizing how pervasive it is, and how "wrong" some of the things I may do appear to others (mainly my husband). I like what you said, Hooligan, about reminding yourself that your husband isn't BP and what he says is opinion. I think I just crave full understanding from him, only because I've never had it from anyone... I've lived my whole life believing no one else would ever understand me, and spent a lot of time trying to undo those distortions, but deep inside they still creep around. He agreed to go to individual therapy and couples with me to help learn better coping strategies for my mood swings -- has anyone had success with having a partner in therapy to understand your dx better?

It's really encouraging, ~Christina, to hear you say I can still follow my dreams and have a wonderful life. You're right, there are definitely worse dx, and definitely other horrible things people have to deal with. When I compare my life now to ten years ago, I can say I'm in a much better place than I was in many ways. I suppose my fear is what's getting to me, just because right now it feels like everything is so unknown, and it doesn't help that other things are shifting in my life right now: just went from being the breadwinner to part-time for the first time in my adult life, sifting through the maze that is applying to grad school, prepping for the GREs, prepping for my last semester in undergraduate, starting a new job, wondering if I'll be able to handle dealing with children with developmental disorders or not... so many sudden question marks. Gotta work on dealing with uncertainty more with my pdocs I suppose.

I think I will only tell a few trusted friends that I know will love me no matter what, and I've already told them. I can't see any point in making it publicly known or anything, it just seems like it would invite judgment and I already have social anxiety. I really hope to get to a place like you all... I'll work my hardest. Thank you all again so much, this is really helpful.