[Pughead]

I'm so tired of crashing. Every time I seem to get a leg up on things, it falls apart. I was so up and excitable the last few days and this morning, and now, I'm back in the dumps.

I'm so tired of allowing myself to be derailed by external negative forces. I'm sick of being hateful, and being consumed by rage, hate, and negativity.

It has to stop.

[January]

Pughead,

Do you have a t or a pdoc to help you? You need meds to help you get stable and talk therapy usually always helps.

I wish you well,

Jan

[JonB]

Pug-
Sorry to hear you're having to deal with the extreme shifting. It sucks rocks.

Didn't you start meds fairly recently? I've found it takes up to several weeks for meds to level out my moods and keep me from ping-ponging back and forth.

I'm too lazy to do it, but my docs and some fellow bipolars have encouraged me to maintain a mood chart. When I do manage to keep track for awhile, I find that the simple act of filling out and reviewing the chart each day/week levels me out a bit. It's as though the shifts take on a less drastically contrasting feeling just from seeing it all down on paper. Plus, it forces me to quantify the mood extremes and I get a better feel for just how far out of balance I really am.

When I'm feeling particularly shifty I try to avoid the rest of the world to save them from me - so I read to distract myself from the moods. I see you're doing a lot of reading lately. I'd try sitting down (under the tree perhaps) for a read whenever you get blind sided by a mood change.

Keep trying to head for the center, and good luck.

[Pughead]

Thanks for the responses.

To answer both your questions. I was on Lexapro/Celexa for 2 years, and have now been on Depakote for 3 months and switched from Celexa to Effexor. I reached my full dose of Effexor two weeks ago. My pdoc gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin that I am suppose to get filled if I feel that I need to be "sharper", or if I'm feeling dull or "out of touch".

I have a T and have been seeing him for 2 months. He has introduced me to mindfulness which is really interesting.

I have been keeping a mood chart since January. I have to see, it hasn't had a positive or negative impact on me, but it's great to have as something to refer back to. I gave my pdoc a copy last time I saw her.

The thing is, I just get mad at myself for letting external things derail me. And then I just spiral downward. And I don't think any drug is going to fix that. I just have to conquer that on my own, by being more aware of my own mind.

The following statement is always true:
negative + negative = negative

So why is that so hard to acknowledge?

[JonB]

Sounds like you're way more compliant than me with mood charts and medications and awareness. Maybe you're too hard on yourself.

I have the opposite problem as you - I don't get mad...I get too nonchalant and apathetic and who gives a darn about it all in a "whatever, I don't care sort of way". I become totally nonreactive and just let things go along around me like a rock stuck in a stream with the water flowing on without me.

It drives the people around me crazy. And I don't like it because I feel totally disconnected from my feelings and the rest of the world. My T calls it "crazy calm." The only time I get mad is when I'm in a mixed state and everything and everyone is irritating to me. I can snap in an instant and people think I'm Dr Jekyll / Mr. Hyde. I get a lot of "where the heck did that come from?"

I think learning about and practicing mindfulness is a good way for anyone to get unstuck and out of self-defeating, snow-balling patterns. I can't think of any disadvantages to being more mindful.

How's the reading going? Those are some pretty cool books your tackling. Good luck trying not to get derailed. Maybe you can learn to spiral upward instead of downward.

[Pughead]

Jon,

Everyday I read a little more, whether it's the books I've got or from resources on the Web, and I'm still fascinated with it all.

I get into the mood you describe too though, where I'm non-reactive, just flat. This especially happens when I'm at work, when all kinds of crap is just thrown at me, and it kind of just bounces off me like a brick wall, and I don't really care. I'm just like, "who gives a crap, none of it really matters." And everyone always comments on how calm I am in the midst of chaos. Maybe I am just like you?