Am I really?

So about a month ago I realized my emotions seemed to be cycling. I did some research and went meh, probably, but whatever. Last week I had another outburst where I broke stuff and yelled at my girlfriend then got in this trance where I could not get away from being sad and that everything sucked. My girlfriend said something about me seeing someone and I got mad at her.

But now I've snapped out of it and in my hyper research mode and have been thinking about everything over the course of the last few years that could be symptoms of this. I've listed them below. Basically, I'm to the point where I think something may actually be up. But I'm not yet to the point where I want to see someone about it. Maybe some confirmation in this thread and support will help me get there.

Episodes (Cyclothymia?)
- Are becoming more frequent, but tend to be roughly once every 3 weeks
- Get easily upset, very irritable, "rage", hate life, extremely sad, extreme boredom, don't want to do anything, very pessimistic, feel worthless, want to be alone, stop caring about normal things
- Even though appear to have severe symptoms, I generally do okay in normal everyday life, and do not outwardly show these symptoms. Only myself and close relationships would be able to notice anything
- Usually very organized, very structured. During these periods don't care. Will binge eat, sleep less, etc
- Never lasts less than 2 days. However, sometimes ends about then though it's not overnight, it appears to be gradual improvement, sometimes lasts longer.
- Generally when I recover, I have periods of the opposite. I'm extremely motivated, want to accomplish everything, generally very focused.
- Usually very careful with money. Sometimes after recover, have tendency to abruptly quit job, move, buy cars, buy big purchase (have had 8 different cars in 8 years, have moved over 15 times)

Other notes
- Extremely structured in daily life. Eat, sleep, exercise at almost exactly the same time everyday. If those things are offset from normal, I do seem to have more issues with symptoms.
- Tend to have addictive tendencies. Never been addicted to alcohol or drugs. However, used to be addicted to Mtn Dew. Also get addicted to exercise.
- Have periods of hyperness. Used to be more severe when I was younger. But I have periods where I talk a lot, get very excited, very happy. Also shake my leg or tap my foot constantly.
- Have short periods of times where I have all these plans, confidence, organization, however don't always follow up on them
- Have trouble being content with everything. After getting what I've always wanted I tend to always look for something else, something more. Causing problems with cars, housing, relationships, etc.
- "think too much" - I'm constantly over analyzing, worrying, and thinking about things, and have a hard time making decisions over mundane things
- I've always known I've had these issues. Usually have pointed towards caffeine from mtn dew causing or stress/hormones from exercise causing.
- During periods of rage, I have tendency to throw things, break things, punch walls, etc
- Also have minor eating disorder and ocd tendencies
- Mother suffers from eating disorder and severe depression

Really I don't think my symptoms are that severe. I just want to 1) stop breaking stuff 2) stop being unable to snap out of my sadness, it tends to bring my girlfriend down too 3) stop buying stuff when I should be content with what I have.

If things are severe enough that they disrupt your everyday life or if they disrupt someone else's everyday life...I would seek help.

I'm no pdoc but it sounds like classical bipolar behavior to me...best of luck! And hopefully it's not bipolar but if it is, it's all about the meds!

I would suggest seeing a psychologist. While working with the psychologist if you are completely honest s/he will suggest meds if s/he feels they will help.

I vote get help as soon as possible. Sounds like Bipolar to me. I waited until I was age 63 and my marriage just about went out the window. Believe you are much better off (I certainly was) getting medicine and doctor which was a psychiatrist for me. And the right psychiatrist because after a while I had to change. Also if you think you can stop medication, you're only fooling yourself, and your brain will loose ground and you will fall back into that dark hole.

You need to speak with a psychiatric professional to find out what exactly is going on for you. What you've described could be bipolar, it could be borderline personality disorder, it could be depression....whatever it is, it's disrupting your life.

Has anyone had issues getting in contact with a psychiatrist? I've made the decision to see one and every time I call I get an answering machine or wait music. I've seriously called like 10 places, and all those places multiple times. Twice I've gotten through, one time the person put me on hold after picking up and I eventually hung up after waiting too long. The second time the people said the system was done, so call back later.

It's frustrating, just finally deciding to get help and you can't even get it! I go through these phases where I'll be really motivated to call around, but if I can't connect to anyone during it, then it may be a week or two before I'm that motivated again to do it.

Maybe you need to just show up at the offices(s) and make an appointment right there in front of them?

Average waiting time for me has been 30+ min on the phone. Then 2 months for the intake appointment .

Yes! But *don't* give up, please. It is frustrating, discouraging and even maddening but once you establish a diagnosis with or w/o meds it is so worth fighting for.

Best,

Do you have insurance/do you have access to your plan's website? Usually you can find a list of behavioral health specialists on your plan, and they might say whether they are accepting new patients. That's how I found my doctors.

Also, 9/10 times you'll run into an answering machine. They do have patients throughout the day. Just leave a message. If they don't call back, don't try again -- you don't want that doctor, then.

Just wanted to update this thread. I was having pretty serious anxiety and racing thoughts during early September. I was finally able to get in and see a psychiatrist and then started therapy as well. The psychiatrist did not officially diagnose, but said I definitely had a mood disorder along with major depressive. She immediately put me on Seroquel. I have since titrated up to 600mg of that, in addition to 10mg of prozac a day.

I haven't felt as good as I feel now and during such a long period in a very long time. I have to think the meds and talking to a therapist have to be having some effect. Either way, I'm pretty happy with where I'm at now and hope to keep improving!

That's wonderful news! Thank you for updating us. Are you sticking around on the BP board?