[almondjoy]

Hi there everyone. I’m sorry this is a long thread. I haven’t been on a forum for years and have decided it’s time to give it another shot. I don’t want to internalise and beat myself up about this anymore. At the moment, I would really like to hear experiences from others who might be able to relate and understand. Please don't hesitate to comment and tell me your own story.

My last hypomania episode was 8 months ago and wasn’t good. During an episode, I can alternate between irritability and elation, and it seems that each time, the irritability side is becoming worse and more out of control.

I've just gone through a few months of severe depression/isolating myself (including a trip to hospital) and have started ‘coming up’ from it over the past few weeks. It was amazing at first with the amount of self-confidence I had, even if I did make a fool of myself at some work events.... but then I became a monster.

Firstly, I tried to throw my husband out a week ago when nothing had happened to cause it. I told him how much I hate him, said so many horrible and untrue things about him that I somehow believed at the time. I broke his belongings, threw my wedding rings at him and refused to wear them, I wouldn’t let him near me for days without lashing out/trying to hurt him, and apparently even said things like that I would cheat on him so that he will leave (Which I would NEVER say or do in my right mind!)! None of this is the real me. He is (thankfully) very patient, loving, and understanding that I do not mean what I say. (I have apologised profusely to him since – and to the rest of my family who copped it).

When I am myself, I am described as a warm, loving person. No one would know I struggle how I do. I'm sensitive and have a real heart for people and love animals. But during this last episode, I had thoughts to do some horrible, horrible things. It was my first real episode of seriously threatening to hurt somebody (Apparently telling my husband I would kill him in his sleep) and I even threatened to throw my 10-week-old puppy under a car and tried to put him outside on his own so he could run away (it almost makes me cry thinking I even thought of doing that ) I’m so glad there were people there to stop me. (Also, I am going back to my psychiatrist next week to look at changing my medication!)

I eventually had a breakdown in the middle of a shopping centre on my way to work, my mum was with me at the time. Looking back, I am afraid of what I might have been capable to do (to myself) if she wasn’t with me. I just get upset thinking about it, I don’t want to be like this. I just keep feeling so embarrassed and guilty like it was my fault, even when I know it wasn’t really me – and it’s like I have blocks of my memory that are just missing. Has anyone else had this kind of experience with their illness? What helped you through these times? Anyone...

[wildflowerchild25]

I absolutely relate. I'm irritable at both ends of the pole but in hypo/mania I lack the impulse control to keep my trap shut. I've been emotionally and once or twice physically abusive to my husband. He takes it for awhile but then explodes when I keep doing after he's already told me I'm doing and I need to chill out. What I have tried to do that works a little bit is take a deep breath so I can think before I say something nasty. If I need to I remove myself from the situation. If I can't (like road rage) I tap my hands quickly. That allows me to let out energy without being harmful. Looks dumb but who cares?

[almondjoy]

Thank you so much for responding. I am so glad I'm not alone. My husband has lost it at me too, mainly before he understood that I wasn't well, but even still, I push him to the edge at times. I will try what you suggested, which I have tried before, too - I just find it so hard to hold my tongue, I just want to keep pushing and pushing and pushing when I'm like that.. It's like something inside has broken and I can't turn the switch to shut it off. I will try and remember this next time, I really want to do what I can - at least try.

[Dix888]

I totally relate. I used to "go off" at my husband like this, especially b4 my pdoc found the right combo of meds for me. Noise tends to set me off the worst. And lack of sleep. You are not alone!

I used to get physically violent with boyfriends...I would just fly into a rage when I felt out of control and couldn't help myself. I remember this as a child too (my preschool even taped mittens to my hands everyday because I was biting and scratching everyone!). I always feel REALLY embarrassed now after a tantrum because I do act like a child, which is otherwise completely out of character - I almost always end up in a heap on the floor or locked in some closet.

Actually the person I've been with the past 2 yrs. is the first person I have never been violent towards, and I think it has to do with the fact that I know he was abused as a child...I don't know exactly how/why but somehow that stops me, even though I felt I couldn't control it before. I'm also known as being very outgoing, fun-loving, and caring in general - if only people were witness to me in these dark moments!

What tends to set me off if I'm already on edge is invasion of personal space or feeling out of control, like when plans are suddenly changed (requiring me to interact with people when I don't feel like it), or when something doesn't work/goes wrong with whatever I'm doing or if someone can't keep up/won't "get on board" with me

[Ronin26]

I too experienced that state a couple of years ago after I gave birth. What triggered it was taking meds I can't rember the name right now that helped me with postpartum pain. But unfortunately it counter acted and I went into full blown psychosis going into a hypnomatic state. I looked in the mirror and literally saw the devil within me. It was the most frightening experience of my life. The emotions that I went through the course of that time felt like a roller coaster ride. I never want that to happen to me again.