[slavetwo]

rapid cycle here and all lamictaled up.

Just found my way into here...wild when you see all these posts that sound like I wrote them or I know what their talking about like exactly...

I need to go on a rant, wish I was in like some place where I could scream this out loud but I guess I'll settle for whoever reads this.

Why is nothing the way it's supposed to be?
Every day to some extent is struggling to adapt to function properly, dare I come into work quiet and non-social... dare I come home to my wife, down, out or short (not that it's ok, I do love my wife). But why do I have to adapt?
Because I'm not normal? What is normal? I guess it's what everyone else is and you are not.
Maybe normal is behaving within range that doesn't hack anyone off or just bother someone. Which hacks me off...although interesting insight I just found there...
Why am I condemned to walk this line or pretend or fake it or apologize and apologize or lie about however I feel?

Why do I have to be conflicted?
I'm angry, I hurt, I hate I'm "acting bipolar" and need to go away
I'm sad, depressed, anxious I'm "in a mood" and can't be tolerated
I'm moody, grumbling I "have an attitude problem" and nobody wants that in the office.
I'm happy... rarely... yes happy, that rare, precious it's OK feeling that lasts oh too short... that's what everyone wants isn't it. So do I, because I want to feel it...but then again that's when I'm "normal" to everyone.
Don't be too happy, no, no should you waste away too much money, you've spent too much on yourself, or you didn't pay attention to something you should've.
It's a house of cards, so so much work to keep it from falling down on itself. Get up next morning and start all over again.
And I resent it...

Why can't it be the same for my relationships and interractions with everyone else as it is with my kids (just realized this...) could it be (daughter 8, sons 5 & 2) they don't care. Or they care in the right fashion. Obviously dad yelling at them out of line an exception and that they of course care about, as should I. But... out of anyone I come across my three kids accept the way I happen to be at that time. Sure it will change eventually, but I don't need to be on top of the world, they don't get dad's had a long day, my daughter emphasizes to an extent... but I don't have to conform for them.

Everyone else I need to conform, adapt, apologize, hide, fear.

The next person that makes me feel like I must adapt and conform I wish I could tell them to go to hell and let me be. Don't you think I want to be better then this? I'd prefer not to be consumed at times in self hate, or dreading parts of my life, I'd like to be, love to be, this "normal" you're looking for, but I can NOT I've been denied it for the rest of my life and I'm taking drugs to partially compensate and the rest is me faking it. But why? Why? Why?

Nobody gets this, no matter how I try to say it or act it, don't you think I want to be better then this?

Bipolar go to hell

[~Christina]

Im sorry that your feeling so bad ..

One thing I will say is you will not always feel the need to always mask and hide your feelings.. With hard work on your part and medications if you choose to use them. It is possible to have lots of "normal times" *whatever that is anyway .

Bipolar has to be attacked from all sides ...meditation, mindfullness, healthy diet , exercise,good communication skills etc etc .. the list goes on ..

Side note .. My husband has no mental health issues .. But he comes home very often from work and has to just have a blow out vent because his job is so stressful.. Everyone will have outbursts mental heath or not.

Last thing I will say is stop thinking your "not normal "..Its self defeating and sets you up for more mental anguish .. 7 billion people on this planet and everyone is fighting there own battle with something in there life .

Things can and will improve . Keep posting here and vent when you need/want to.

Welcome to PC

[Arduous]

Maybe a lot of us do think the same. I feel as if I could have wrote your post myself.
I suffer with you... a lot of us do.

Oh.. hello & welcome

[Mrs. Mania]

Right there with you slave! First thing I knew about myself was.....I'm not normal. Over time I have decided along with ~Christina, who/what is normal!? However, it's hard to keep that thinking and I fight daily to appear "normal" also, mostly for the benefit of others.

[Trippin2.0]

Trying to appear normal (whoever's version) screwed me up royally.

There was always this constant inner battle due to faking how I'm feeling, triple watching what I say, etc, and then all that stuffing down of my emotions has to go somewhere...
So then BAM! Mental and emotional explosion extrodinaire!

That Iiiii have to deal with, I have to clean up, and I have to rebuild from.
Not any of those people I was pretending for.

Normal is mankind's greatest Urban Legend.

Be you, be true to you, and hopefully you'll find harmony within yourself, and maybe even alongside your bipolar.

[lilypup]

Welcome here...you will find so many that totally agree with your rant. Bipolar sucks!