[Capriciousness]

I feel an anxiety flair as I approach and impending four days at the beach with my issue ridden family of origin. My relationship with my mom has been tumultuous in the past. She is an extremely difficult person but in the recent year has been much "nicer" than she was previously except for a few events so as long as I keep my guard up I am not worried about her that much.

My relationship with my dad is just so tainted and uncomfortable to me mostly because we basically do not have one and I have insidious guilt about it. Therapy, EMDR, and some light hypnosis have helped me with both parents but I think I need a tune up. When I was a child and a younger person my dad and I were super "close". It was actually an extremely inappropriate and damaging situation with parentification and triangulation and he used me as his therapist. Every emotional issue he could have had he dumped on me. He talked about his troubles with my mother to me all the time, and his worries about finances (and how our problems were my mom's fault) etc etc on and on. So needless to say I felt solely and completely responsible for taking care of him emotionally. Once I became an adult dealing with my own mental health issues and realizing the true damaging nature of this I stopped exposing myself to this and I told him I didn't want to talk about these things anymore. Consequently we now have no real relationship. And I feel guilty.

On top of this I have had issue after issue with him because it turns out he is actually extremely difficult. He has no respect for me as an adult or a parent and disregards most of my feelings or issues. He is unknowingly condescending and insecure and his only form of conversation is lecture and if you admit you already know what he is telling you he gets offended (a trait shared by my brother and sister).

Anyway, when I am with him I just want to avoid him because I feel icky in his presence.

Anybody have a situation like this? And what coping strategies do you have?

My brother is immature and insecure and shares many of my dad's unhealthy social characteristics.

My sister is just a mess. I mean I think she has what the DSM should call "Totally effing weird NOS". She is just impossible in every way. And she has a boundary less indulgent aggravating relationship with my oldest son. Where she is totally using him to fulfill her own emotional needs which obviously hits a raw nerve for me. she has no children, has never had a relationship at 30, has no friends, and just lost her job because she can't get along with people or cope with any situation, she also has health issues. If you're wondering she sees a damaging elderly Freudian therapist (completely enmeshed. Has been with her over ten years) and a pdoc who she won't listen to because she thinks she should "be able to handle her own problems" and that her problems are not chemical but "because of her life stressors". Anyway. She is like a big toxic needy rain cloud who may husband agrees he feels like he needs to cleanse his energy after being around her.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent!

Anybody deal with crap like this? How do you keep it from getting you?

[cashart10]

My family is nothing like that so I don't have any advice (I'm the weirdo in our clan, ha!) but I do want to tell you I'm sorry and I hope you can all manage to get along and it doesn't feel too awkward the whole time. Maybe you, your husband, and your kids can get away by yourselves quite a bit? I hope you find some enjoyment in your trip!

My family of origin sounds somewhat like what you describe. My dad "spanked" me in a terrible way, which I now call beating. I had a love-hate relationship with him. Late in his life (he's deceased now for over 10 years) he told people he "never laid a hand on his kids," which was a lie. Anyway, my mother went along with everything he said. I called them "the folks" because I did not see them as truly separate individuals. My sister and brother and I have good relationships now -- IF I keep my emotional distance. You ask how people deal with these problems. One, I never visit my brother and sister in law. They can travel up here to see my sister and myself, but I (and she) never go there. Too uncomfortable on their territory. Two, for years I have refused to go to family holidays. On holidays, it's cook cook cook cook; eat eat eat eat; and then I clean up because I don't want to cook. I like cleaning up, but detest all this activity in the kitchen -- the person whose house it's at fusses over where and how things should be done in her kitchen. The third way I cope is I go places with my sister (and brother's family when they visit. Family gatherings at the homes of my nephews (who have big dogs that sniff my crotch and jump up on me) or my sister do not work for me, but going to a concert or restaurant with the extended family is always a lot of fun. Don't get me wrong -- this has not been easy to do. It took years before my sister and sister in law stopped grousing at me for refusing Christmas and Thanksgiving. But they finally got used to it. I used to be the scapegoat for the family disputes during holidays! Now I have discovered that disputes are still happening -- and guess what? It's not "my fault" because I'm not there! Ha ha ha! My sister and I have both had decades of counseling, and my brother is on antidepressants. This has helped a lot, but I still keep my guard up.

[tigersassy]

I'm in the same boat. I don't talk to my parents except my mother through text. My middle brother and I don't talk at all. My baby brother and I talk to each other and see each other but rarely because he still lives with our parents. And my older half brother who I didn't know very well growing up and I are getting closer. The only thing I can suggest is distance and coping strategies. I've realized that I can't be around my family much and if I have to I leave as soon things get to overwhelming. As for your children protect them if you can otherwise separate them from what you need to. Good luck and remember do what you have to for you and your family's health/mental health.