My sister has had on-off depressions since her b/f abandoned her a week before Christmas, 2012. She had broken up with him at least twice, but it shocked her terribly when he left. He kept her on a string, while he had found another g/f quite readily. He never told her why he left, and she kept asking him why. Today we had a nice conversation about her day yesterday, which went well with her extended family. Then she got more and more testy, and finally, I think, thinks I brought her down. I don't know what I did to bring her down. She said not to let her bring ME down, but I'm feeling really put out about her. She has told me recently that if she is not actively doing some positive and fun activity, she is depressed. She says it's because she does not have a loved man in her life. I asked her if there was anything we could talk about that would make her feel better and she said No. I honestly don't know how to talk with her on the phone. She's so erratic. Sometimes I call her when I need another perspective on something in my life, and she can be very helpful. I just am feeling bummed now, after our conversation a few minutes ago. I do plan to talk to my therp about our relationship when I see him on Tuesday, but if anyone here has any suggestions about how to converse with my sister, I'd be glad to learn.

[Travelinglady]

Well, I don't know what you said either, but I suggest not talking about any loves in your life, how wonderful things are for you with relationships, children, etc.

Does she know what she thinks you said to get her down?

Hi, Trav'ing lady, I just exchanged emails with my sister. She says she doesn't like to talk on the phone with anybody very much, and that once a week with me is enough. So, if I don't talk about what's good in MY life, as well as hers, what DO people talk about that's not negative or political? She has this inflated view of my love life, which really does not exist. I have a b/f but it's not "in love." It's friendship only. It's not the kind of relationship she wants in her life. She wants red hot romance, and that is definitely (1) not what I have and (2) not what I want. However, she does keep bringing it up, that I have a man in my life and she doesn't. Honestly, TravellingLady, I haven't got a clue what to talk about on the phone, but when we GO SOMEPLACE like a concert, which we do maybe only 2-3 times a YEAR we talk about the music. And by the way, she lives 15 miles away from where I live.

I hope other people will comment on sibling relations. My sister in the recent past has said she prefers talking to emailing. Now, she's emailing her complaints about me, and won't talk about them on the phone. I feel really rejected, but this has happened before. My sister says we don't have that much in common, which is true, but a mean thing to say. She just wrote "Lucky you" because I have a b/f. She's in bad shape now, very depressed, and I know that, but I'm having a hard time with this. I'm going to discuss this issue with my therp on Tuesday. I know some people don't even speak to their siblings or vice versa. My sis and I used to have huge fights over the phone, but that has not happened since I dropped her from my life for about a year, about 10 years ago. She says I changed for the better after I let her back in, but "I say" it's her who changed. She stopped picking arguments and yelling at me. But I could sure use more advice on what to do? Anyone?

[GALAXYGAL]

@ flowerbells

It's painful to have a sibling you don't get along with because it just seems natural that you should.

I have one sibling, a brother, I wish he were a sister sometimes I need a female friend. We argued all the time when we were kids. He was hyper as a child and was constantly destroying my things. As he grew older he became self-destructive. We grew up in an abusive home together. Our childhoods affected each of us differently because we are different people. There are many things we agree on, but we do not get along in general and he bullies me/likes to push my buttons unless he needs something. My life is pretty good compared to his. I seek professional help when I need it and he doesn't. He lives with my mom and the only time we talk is when I visit my mom. We can be in the same room for about an hour then the conversation intensifies.

I limit myself to two-hour visits once a month with my mom. My mom and I spend most of our visits on the phone because she will not do anything about the bullying. You might try to limit the time you spend with your sister (via email or in person) or even when you think about your sister.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I have two brothers, and we talk when I call them to check in or if they need something (traffic on their drive, help with a project) or, for one of them, if he's killing time while driving. That brother probably calls me once every 3 weeks or a month. The other brother hasn't called me in probably 2-3 months. I used to call them, but I left so many voicemails without a return call, that I stopped trying eventually. Now I might try to call each of them once every 3 months or so. I get emails from one brother about twice or three times per week...they're usually some photographs he's taken and it's a group email to several people in the family. The other brother does the same kind of email maybe once or twice a month.

They're really close with each other, though - I think they talk several times a week. They fly back and forth to visit each other maybe 6 times a year. One brother hasn't visited me ever (I visit him once a year or so) and the other brother visited me once for 3-4 days when my daughter was born 9 years ago and once for an evening about 3-4 years ago. I've been to visit him only once.

On my husband's side of the family, though, there are 4 sisters. I'm in much closer contact with 3 of the them than my own brothers. I talk with two of them once a month or so (out of genuine interest to talk or make plans), and the other every other week or so. While I love his sisters, I avoid talking to all of them (along with his folks and anyone in my family) when I'm depressed. If someone happens to call me, I just can't bring myself to do much more than answer questions and beg off the call with some excuse or other. Often I just don't answer the phone at all. I just don't have it in me to fake how I'm doing for very long, and I'm not interested in opening up when I'm depressed. If someone gets me to really start talking about how I am, it's awful for me. I end up crying and with a headache and brain fog for the rest of the day or several days. I stick to generic conversation topics - what's been going since we talked last, upcoming plans (if any), how the kids are, and sometimes even literally the weather.

If you're wanting to be really invested in touching base with her without setting her off (sorry if I'm not wording that quite right), maybe try to come up with some neutral topics ahead of time. You both like music, it sounds like, so maybe check out some new songs that you'd like to share with her. Think about a book you recently read or a movie you saw that you might want to bring up. A new restaurant you tried, some recipe you're loving right now, any hobby you're into & what's going on with that. There have to be things in your life that aren't your boyfriend to talk about. Also, it's much easier on me when I'm feeling down if people say something like, "Just wanted to call to touch base/check in with you...we haven't talked in awhile." or something like that, instead of asking how I am and trying to get me to talk about that.

Don't know if any of this is helpful to you or not. I do know that it really sucks to feel like you don't have the relationship with your sibling that you want or envisioned. Or that you're more invested than they are. Or feeling let down after you talk with them. No fun at all...

**Sorry to hijack the thread a bit & write in so much...I have found I'm nearly incapable of not writing everything that comes into my mind!

Hi GoodIdeasWhatToDo! Well, you sure did not hijack my thread. You added some very good stuff about your own family relations, which is MUCH appreciated AND a lot of good ideas for topics to talk about with my sister. I think she and I have settled on about once a week, with highlights of our week if anything really neat has happened. She doesn't like to share daily activities, and I do, but that's how it is. I've been really depressed about this, and hope I can get out of it soon, though. I love your ideas of topics! I used to be a great conversationalist, full of ideas and fun/interesting things to talk about, but the meds have taken away my "gift of gab." I also talked too much and too loud, and now I don't so that's a good thing.