Why I left

I stopped coming here for awhile. I got paranoid I was being tracked as a statistic. Someone's case study to come read what we suffer or laugh at our highs. I'm still a little paranoid.

But I'm losing everything. My home, my business my job. I have my children and try to put on the happy face & keep their lives as stable as possible.

But I just want to blow up and burn down the world with me. Then the guilt for thinking this way. I don't see solutions just everything falling apart. No way out. I've ruined every opportunity I've ever had. Losing my business how will I feed my family. Where will we live. I'm scared.

I've never owned a business but I can imagine you poured your heart and soul into it, and losing it feels like giving up a part of yourself. 2 years ago I had to file bankruptcy, got a divorce, was roughed up by customs officers while trying to do my job and consequently diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD less than a week after. This resulted in the loss of my career. Soon after I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. It has been very tempting to give up, but I feel there is still a chance at having an enjoyable life. Most of my family is supportive but they will never understand what it is like to be me.

Try to find something positive in your life and focus on it, rather than the terrible things going on that you don't have any control over. When I'm feeling hopeless I think of how my kids need me, not just my money or the things I can give them. I think about my cats and how every one of them was rescued from somewhere and what would happen to them if I was gone. Sometimes I close my eyes and just dream of being somewhere I love to be, like when I was in Congo back when I made good money and could afford to go places. Even when everything is falling apart around you, you can find something to be thankful for. Sometimes it's right in front of you and you can't even see it because you're blinded by everything that's going wrong.

I know how you feel about being watched. I have had this feeling from time to time too, returning to message boards to delete all of my posts, drawing all of my curtains and having the windows in the car tinted. I think that paranoia accompanies bipolar with a lot of people. It may be treatable with the right mixture of meds and therapy.

You need to take care of yourself through difficult times like this. If you don't your bipolar could spiral out of control and worsen your situation. Keep in close touch with your psychiatrist and remember to take your meds. And look to places like this for support. The Internet is a wonderful way to connect with other people with conditions like yours, who understand your fears, anxieties, depression, and all of the other mixed up feelings mental illness can leave you with. I think we should all be taking full advantage of it as another tool to manage our conditions.

Sis

So glad to see you're back online, but really sad to hear why

I'm sorry everything seems to be going bellyup, please PM or FB me if you wanna chat one on one.

Remember 1 breath at a time, 1 baby step at a time... you can't fix everything all at once, but you can and will make it through this.

Do you have a T atm? Someone to help you formulate a game plan and offer a floating device?

Missed you bunches, and love you lot an lots

Oh hun .. I am so very sorry your world has been tipped upside down..I am glad your back here, you need as much support as possible right now.

Vent here or PM all you need to just get it all out

Trippin put it best .. one moment at a time

Big hugs. Thank you.
I had emergency call with pdoc a few days ago. She offered to give me a 6 week medical leave. I feel I need it but have to keep working. Even if we liquidate there is a lot that has to be done. I have my mom counting on me and she's the best mom ever. I have to somehow make sure she's provided for.
Anyway pdoc decided with me that I just don't want to be here right now. Not an active Sui risk. She says if it gets worse the hospital would be the place to keep me safe.
My t was out of town but I saw her today. I was 15 mins late cuz of work & so pissed I needed the full session really bad.
So today... The weird happy for no reason hypo. Woke up at 5am & was productive. Worked until 9pm tonight. Feeling sexual out of the blue. Now I can't sleep. I do take some meds. But still have the phases. At least I have no desire to drink like sometimes. Old flame just bootie called me & I'm proud to say I ignored . It's like I go hypo & they can smell it or something lol.
What I don't like about weird happy hypo when my world is going to **** - is the impending crash of doom. Is it inevitable or will I ride the wave?
Guess I have to wait for the morning to see what mood awaits... Right now I feel like I can tackle another day.
I sent my boss some *****y email tonight. (I had to sell my biz a year ago but still run it. It's all I've known for 20 years). It could backfire but I'm not going to put up with his condescending ******** when I'm a hard worker & I'm ****ing smart & an asset to any company. I can find another job when it comes to that. Grandiose maybe. Oh well it's part of the gig.
Praying I won't be back here crying tomorrow.

Ok now I'm pissed off again. The family member I work with knows I worked a 13 hour day & decides to text & call me at 12:30 at night!!! I didn't respond pretending I'm sleeping. Plus I'm not going to let her control trip ruin my night. But wtf?!? Leave me alone with work stuff past midnight - I have kids & work to do in the morning. I know what she's pissed about - I didn't put enough money towards her budget in email to boss. She's so controlling dammit it pisses me off. But I need to be rested to deal with her. She doesn't get to "wake me up" in the middle of the night to tell me biz is gonna fold. Duh.
Like t told me today, some people just don't want you to be happy. Many don't. So we can't leave it up to them to decide our own happiness.
She has no power over me. She has no power over me. Usually she's one of my biggest triggers. But I want it to stop. She will not control me or my happiness anymore.
Right? Sanity check?

Sanity check indeed.

People only hold power over us, our feelings, our mindset, if we give them that power.

Take yours back and stop letting her mess around with the remote control.

I'm glad you didn't respond, first step is enforcing boundaries and that's exactly what you did by not engaging her at an ungodly hour.

Exactly! She can take that remote control and stick it. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Work in progress. Times like this the bad little voice says I should have compassion for her & help fix her even tho it's middle of the night. But **** that. I'm 40 it's time to take care of myself & quit being a people pleaser! Thx sis xoxo

You're most welcome!

And while you're at it, BE PROUD OF YOURSELF for setting that boundary.

Better late than never!

True statement! I find it hard to relinquish the power I give people over my emotions. Is there a secret trick to letting go?

Blue - here for you!

My t the other day said there are people out there who don't want u to be happy, and there are a lot of them. Just knowing & remembering that helps me not want to be a people pleaser. Why should I be miserable just because someone wants to have control over me.

You deserve the best Alice & trippins my hero with sayin it like it is.