[bellenuit]

I had electroshock in 2009. My 30+ years of struggling, pain, sheer torture were finally over. I went from over 12 meds to one maintenance med (Seroquel). Things have gone so well for the last 5 years. No more therapy. Seeing the pdoc only twice a year. Especially no more inpatient.

I took a new job in May. The responsibility is more than I imagined. The workload is impossible. No matter how hard I work each week I never get everything done. While things are slowly turning around, it's hard to remember change doesn't happen overnight. My workload has doubled since I came onboard with no end insight. On top of all the insanity at work, I decided to go back to school. I started my Master's program last week. I am still balancing everything (at least today) but the feelings of hopelessness and despair are slowly filtering back in. I can't go back to that place where life wasn't worth living. Spending every day trying to find a reason to continue. I'm scared. I haven't told anyone things are getting bad again. I'm hoping it's just a bad week.

Belle

[kaliope]

as much as we want to be successful in life or master some of lifes challenges, our mental health has to come first. there are many things I haven't done because I had to put my mental health need first. like attending my sisters and grandmothers funeral and just last year I dropped out of grad school because the anxiety was just too much for me. I could not do that to myself for the five years it was going to take me to graduate. I was giving up a dream, but my mental health, my sanity, which I worked really hard for years to stabilize had to come first. I was hospitalized twice getting my bachelors. I couldn't go back there. think about what you really want for your life. take care.

[wildflowerchild25]

Sometimes we take on more than we can handle. Jobs and school can put a lot of stress on us. I'm going through the same thing. In fact I have a similar situation. I had ECT in 2006 and went med and therapy free up until 2013. I think it was starting my new job that triggered this mess to come back. But I love my job and I don't want to give it up. So I'm back on the med train.

Sometimes it just takes awhile to figure out the workload. Maybe this job is just too much, but maybe you just need to get used to it more. Once I get into the swing of the school year I always feel better.

Can you do maintenance ECT? Maybe another round will help. I know it's hard if not impossible while working but maybe you can do a once a month schedule or something. Or maybe you can start slow - start back in therapy first so you can work on this anxiety coming from all the stress you're under.

[bellenuit]

Thanks for your encouraging words. It's been a rough week. In my head, I hope it's just a rough week, in my heart...I'm scared to death this whole thing is starting all over again. I live in fear of going back to the deep dark hole where I never see the sun. Going to visit with hubby a little bit and pretend there is nothing wrong. Maybe things will get better...but maybe not.

belle

[Tucson]

It sounds like you think you are cured of your illness. IMO it always has a chance in coming back. I think that is why some call it remission.

[bellenuit]

I think I've finally come to terms it's time to call the pdoc and get my meds changed. I've been ignoring some signs that I'm cycling again. Before it gets unmanageable i need to do something.

Belle

[newtothis31]

Good luck, Belle! Let us know it goes!