[SilentTrice]

I will feel fine/ok/even happy but I keep randomly getting suicidal thoughts. For the most part I don't intend to act on them they just keep coming though. I'm a bet nervous to tell my pdoc because I'm afraid she'll say I need to go back to the hospital. I don't really know what to do from here. I was just wondering if this was happening to other people.

[Skitz13]

I get them from time to time. Some days I have a hard time going down into the subway because I imagine myself jumping over and over again. During these episodes I.m good and there's nothing wrong.

I was told it could just be a go to place for me. It's comfortable

I think you should tell your pdoc about it. She may not even be worried about it.

[sui generis]

Yeeeep! This has been happening to me loads in the past few weeks. I haven't really been happy though, my mood has been up and down but especially anxious. I also don't plan on doing anything but the suicidal thoughts are just so intrusive and come out of no where I did tell a mental health professional about it but she just told me the importance of staying alive, I think it was pretty clear that I wasn't in immediate danger from myself. In NZ they're pretty strict about how seriously they take suicidal ideation (meaning they don't really take it that serious); most of the time they will just get you into therapy. Heck, when I actually did attempt they didn't even keep me overnight in the hospital.

TW: violence, blood

I also keep having intrusive visual thoughts of me stabbing myself and blood being everywhere; I would never do that but yeah... It's quite distressing

[Manic Trance]

I have been meaning to start a thread about this, I am so glad you wrote.

During my more extreme episodes I think about suicide constantly and have myriad other expressions of self hatred. It's awful.

But the rest of the time it's just there, it comes from out of nowhere, I wonder if one day I will kill myself, I think about people who have killed themselves, I think about what would happen if I did kill myself, I think about how to kill myself. Etc...

I have never tried, but at times I have gotten more information about how I could do it. Once I got down this bottle of Lithium I was prescribed but never took to see if there was enough in there to do it, I checked the amount needed on the internet... Not even close! Ha!

But I have been wondering about this too... What is the impact on us and the people around us from always thinking about suicide even if we never do it?

I think it's good to talk about it and not act like it's this shameful secret that you have to hide from everyone.
That's all for now but I'd love to hear your or anyone's thoughts as well.
MT

[SilentTrice]

I just find it disturbing that I think about it all the time. It bothers the crap out of me. I want to feel comfortable talking about it with my pdoc and my T I'm sure they can help I'm just not sure if I'm ready to share with them yet.

[GALAXYGAL]

As long as they're just thoughts I don't think your doctor will put you in the hospital, but she might adjust your meds. Do you have a therapist? Do you practice mindfulness?

When I've been out of my SI depression moods for awhile, I think "wow, it's been a whole ---- months since I have had a suicidal thought" and then I think about how unfair it is that I am having THAT thought.

[BipolaRNurse]

It comes out of the blue sometimes. I can be having a perfectly nice day and suddenly I start thinking about suicide---how to do it, when to do it---and visualize myself actually doing it. Then I think about what my death would do to my family and what would happen to me afterwards (I'm afraid of going to Hell because it's the one sin a person can never atone for). After I've visualized this whole scenario, the thought goes away and I resume my appointed rounds.

I don't know why this happens, but I've gotten so used to it that it almost doesn't bother me anymore.

[~Christina]

Suicidal thoughts are pretty common when it comes to Bipolar. For me its my "go to place" My T and I discussed it many times.When they pop up I see them foe what they are , Just thoughts and go about my day.

If I am actually planning with intent that is when I call my T and use every coping skill and distraction I have. I have gone inpatient when I have felt that I could no longer control the thoughts that turned into intent and have a actual plan.

[Double Edge]

I experience the same thing... feeling okay for the most part then out of nowhere these intrusive, distressing suicidal thoughts invade my mind. They bother me greatly. I have only one time when I was at one of my lowest peaks with PTSD and depression I almost decided to just get it over with...running out of my house away from anything I could have done was the only thing that saved me (and I weirdly was compelled to buy a homeless person a meal and give them $10...it somehow just reminded me as bad as things were, they could always be worse, and that I truly didn't want to be dead).

(TRIGGER)
But yes, these thoughts still happen, and I occasionally still get nightmares about death, and lately weirder thoughts I haven't had before have been happening, like I'm already dead somewhere and someone is finding me... it really freaks me out. I don't have any inclination or plan to do anything, but I have noticed lately that I have enough medication to carry out plans if I wanted to, which also freaks me out. It also bothers me that I don't throw it out (I have a leftover box of fentanyl from a car accident). It bothers me that I keep it knowing it's there if I wanted to go through with it, but for some reason I can't bring myself to just get rid of it.

With the exception of the medication hoarding (which I just realized in the past couple days) I of course tell all of this to my pdoc and tdoc, and they just ask me if I have a plan to do anything, I reply no, and they just write it down on my chart. I recently started a new med (Lamictal) and that could possibly be part of it too. Honestly, I've found the experience of sharing my suicidal thoughts with my doctors very anticlimactic... especially my pdoc. My tdoc will talk with me more about them, and always reminds me of the good things in my life and how much better I am compared to that horrible PTSD episode. No threats of hospitalization or anything dramatic.

I guess my point is if you don't share, they can't help, and even though it's scary to say the words aloud, they aren't anything they haven't heard before and are genuinely there to help you get through it. Don't suffer alone in silence, because that's just hell on earth.

[catman1975]

Originally Posted by SilentTrice

I will feel fine/ok/even happy but I keep randomly getting suicidal thoughts. For the most part I don't intend to act on them they just keep coming though. I'm a bet nervous to tell my pdoc because I'm afraid she'll say I need to go back to the hospital. I don't really know what to do from here. I was just wondering if this was happening to other people.

I still have these regularly too. Even daily sometimes. It seems like the doctors aren't terribly concerned unless you have a plan on how to carry it out. That's been my experience.

Nevertheless, if you feel at risk, don't take chances. A simple med adjustment might be all you need don't give in to depression and let it trick you into thinking there's no way out.

[Victoria'smom]

I can't drink because of them. When my brain-mouth filter leaves I talk about suicide a lot. Thoughts are just that annoying as it is. We keep our house suicide proof as a precaution to impulse control issues.