[p123]

Hmm, that seems like a catchy enough title. Now to the business. Bipolar sucks for sure, it has it's ups and downs. As of now, I'm on a super mind racing, delusions of grandeur, operating at a mile a minute kind of high. There's really no other feeling like it as far as I know. Perhaps Adderall would be comparable? I've only taken it a couple times. I pretty much felt like Superman, capable of performing any feat with the mind possible. I was grabbing books to read and just operating on a different plane. Pretty much like Limitless.

As fun as the mania is, you know it will end eventually and you are going to feel like crap. The depression part is definitely not fun, but perhaps necessary. When I'm operating on a more depressive scale, applying social norms to my personality seems much easier. On the mania, it's a dangerous game of brilliance and failure.

From what I've been reading, I've determined that I most likely have some variation of Bipolar, haven't gotten far enough to determine the differences between Type I and Type II or how many other variations there are. But the mind racing, being extreme as possible, ups and downs, penchant for drug use to alleviate the symptoms, it is all too clear to me. It definitely sucks. I've been avoiding getting the official stamp of " crazy person " for as long as I've possibly could, but **** the stigma and the taboo ****, I need to get a hold on this stuff fast. See, I got a 5 year old angel who I've done everything in my power to change for. Eventually you reach a wall in which you cannot break through with sheer will power and determination. Eventually you need to admit that you are lost and need help. As of right now, I am dying to go to the urgent care and get a script for Xanax ( 2mg of course ) and pop them until my heart's content until I can bring this level of madness down. So I'm finally admitting it. I got that BD, that OCD, that ADD, Psycho whatever you want to call it, I got all that ****. K? But I am going to do it the right way, join a support forum, try to find a doctor that can treat my ***.

Trouble is, I can barely keep up with what I'm doing at the current moment and I'm all over the place. Slippery bathtub syndrome. Pretty appalled at some of the stuff I've been reading about the financial prospects regarding this. Essentially the therapist is going to charge you pretty big bucks and be out of network, or you can go through insurance, which is difficult and then they need to be updated by the therapist of exactly what your condition is while they wait eagerly to pull the plug on your treatment. I think this is absolutely horrendous, inhuman and a true injustice.

Anyway, I went on Psychology Today and of course I decided to try to pick a therapist who was attractive and seemed empathetic. Probably not the best to seek for the best help available. Talked to one Doctor and felt like I would run circles around her. I was definitely being flirtatious and dominant but then settled down and spoke my mind about my issues. Turns out she can't even prescribe medicine and yea I wasn't going with whatever she was saying. Went about continuing my search and figured I need help to seek help considering the place I'm at right now. Oh yea, I emailed to see if she was available, I mean why not, no doctor-patient relations now so might as well right? Oh yea, I decided to ask my other doctor out as well from the urgent care. Guess I got a thing for doctors right now huh?

So I guess you see where I'm heading with this. I need your help I am clearly all over the place. Can anyone recommend any doctors in the Westchester area of NY?

In terms of treatment, I think exercise is going to have to become my new favorite thing. I think I can be balanced through exercise, but sometimes the depression keeps me from getting to where I need to be, other times the mania has kept me up all night ( like right now ), so I'm definitely interested in getting some assistance.

Felt terrible about diagnosing myself with Bipolar so I looked for comfort in finding out what celebs were like me. Jean Claude Van Damme has inspired me to check out sodium valproate. If it could work for him, maybe it could work for me. The negatives regarding pregnancy and birth defects scare me. But I don't understand how and the why's. Lithium absolutely terrifies me. I watched Homeland and holy **** I'm not that crazy. Am I? But yea, I don't want to end up like Carrie. I don't think I'm that bad. Just having a bit of an episode right now. Most of the time I can stick to social norms and stay on a minimal to moderate depressive state and function very well in society in terms of on a professional level. My personal life is an absolute mess. My whole personality, my whole " fun " is attached to my mania. Something that I've tried to abandon with the arrival of my child. I've done a really good job with it and accomplished many goals. But I've also killed my spirit. I've pretty much meta'd myself to death at this point. I think I've put more hours into self reflection than should be safe for anyone like this. It has progressed me to levels of humanity that I never, ever thought I could reach. I have for the most part conquered my childhood issues that led me to feeling enraged at any of the smallest slights and essentially had no empathy for anyone really ever. So yea, having a long term relationship is extremely difficult being like this. Short term though, it seems to be perfect. My mania has got me laid so many times it is ridiculous. But now I'm in a different stage of my life. I've worked too hard to go back to that. I want stability. Something that has alluded me my entire life. Will you help me bring stability to my life, bring balance to the force?

[kaliope]

yeah.......you definitely sound manic....I don't know that you need a therapist to treat you if you are functioning well. you just need a psychiatrist to prescribe you meds. most gps wont prescribe psych meds. you will need an intial eval and then they typically follow up with 15 minute med checks. finding the right meds can be trying but once you find the right ones you can live a completely normal life. good luck.

[p123]

Yea initially as I calmed down I felt ashamed and embarrassed for being that way. Its interesting. I guess I'm just looking for a cure all pill like everyone else. This road is inspiring me to tackle these issues once and for all though. I generally don't let it out full bore like that, bit it does sneak out on occasion and of course some of the issues with the positive things that come out from that way.

Function is precisely my reasoning here. I need to be functioning at optimal levels majority of the time. For me this level is not satisfactory.

[cthlyte]

I wouldn't say "completely" normal, but you will definitely be feeling better.

Whenever I am on a mania trip, I look like I'm drunk, but I am high functioning and completely cool. It's crazy, I get the intoxication without the headache, but rather a nasty depression kick.

[p123]

Yea same here man. I've been reading about Jean Claude Van Damme's struggles and I like how casual he makes it feel. We are who we are, no need to get embarrassed and let it destroy your life through social anxiety. Today was the first good day I've had in a long time, just letting things go. Still trying to stay on top of the mania when I can, but it's ok to let it out a little bit. I've just been so uptight for years now and the progress I've made is absolutely phenomenal. I don't want to lose any of that, but I want to have a real life too. Anyway, Jean Claude really focused on fitness and I think a lot of fitness people have mental health issues. I think fitness really helps balance people out. I'm trying to treat it as my medication now. Get it in my head if I don't get in the gym everyday, dangerous things can happen. I don't want to feel like that anymore. Hopefully things work out, I feel great today, had the best day ever with my daughter.