Anyone familiar with the organization Final Exit?

[Rick7892]

Originally Posted by Lmciyah

Anyone familiar with the organization Final Exit?

No, I just looked it up (Final Exit Network | Ensuring Death with Dignity).

Some years ago, I was in lots of mental anguish, and I thought my death would be the solution. I had several dreams of actually dying in my sleep--I didn't think one could die in one's dreams, but my therapist said it happens. I was slipping down and down, and continued to think that death would be the solution. Then one night, I again died in my sleep, violently. I watched my corpse while I hovered as a spirit above it. I thought I would be peaceful, but my spirit was in even more extreme pain because I did not have any way to vent the anguish. No voice to scream or shout, no feet to stomp, no hands to journal my pain away. I was stuck with it all. I awoke and bolted upright with a pounding heart, with the dream message that I needed to find peace with myself while I am living so I could die in peace because it would be worse to carry that mental anguish into death....

As a consequence, I have made a choice to live and to try to be at peace with myself. I am not always successful at this, so I need meds and support. But I am at more peace today than then...

Take care!

I appreciate your response, but you see, peace is not what I'm searching for. I've lived my life, and I'm out of usefullness. I'm tired of being alive. It's the same ******** every day. The same ******** on the news, finances, economics, politics, the human race. I'm the same ********. And since I'm a creature of habit, the same things that got me where I'm at mentally, will repeat again. So there's no end, and no real recovery. I will never get rid of this bipolar, because I cannot get a brain transplant. So why do I have to continue? Why do I have to carry on for everyone else? Maybe they like living. I don't. I haven't in years. I've just carried on so they want say oh he took the easy way out.

Easy way out my ***. In fact, what if it gets me so bad that I become a danger to society. Then they'll say, maybe he should've disposed of himself. They don't know my mind and my thoughts.

I'm telling you. My last job, I put up with some crap that when I was younger, I would have either whipped someone's *** in the parking lot over, or had some really dirty conversations with..

So, I'm not dwelling. However, it made me lose my mind after putting up with it, and then they schemed together to get me fired. They did not like me. When they had their moods or whatever and were major smart asses, I had to take it. I usually keep to myself when not feeling my best, but try to not take it out on everyone else. The whole damn place, every last one of them were scheming against me. All the conversation implied the last 6 months became so clear after I was fired. They were scared of me. Why? Because, I let them know they were not going to cuss me, call names, or smart talk me. They were supposed to treat me like I treated them. With respect.

Honestly though, I tried so hard. So hard that I've lost my mind. And, if I ever get treated like that again at a job, someone will get hurt and get hurt badly.

I need income desparately, but I am so afraid that I may get into similar circumstances. And it won't be pretty if I do. I am too old to let punks run their mouths to me.

An old saying, quiet folks are usually the most dangerous. Mouthy folks are usually all bark and no bite. I was always known as being very quiet, and never known to pick fights, but known to finish a few. In fact, I'm thinkingbit's time to go hunting the dicksuckers who got me fired. It rocked my world. It's now time to rock theirs. And I know where every one of the bastards live. Time to pay em a visit.

I have no more desire to be alive. A person should have the right to die with dignity. Why do I have to be present on this earth if I no longer want to partake in this rat race?

Eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. My job was my life. They took my life. It's them or me, and so far it has been fortunate that I've not run into any of them since.

[Victoria'smom]

Lmciyah I think that this is a really good post to bring to your therapist and have a conversation about it s/he needs to see how sucky this is for you.

[Rick7892]

Sounds like you are in a real tough spot and have been so for some time. Can you call or set up an appointment with your medical provider or therapist and talk with them as honestly as in your post? People can't help if we don't reach out for help. If your medical provider or therapist isn't helping, try another.

Sometimes the best "revenge" against those who have wronged us is to cope well and move on with our life. Holding on to a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other to be poisoned.

Take care & I hope you reach out for help!

[hamster-bamster]

How long have you been on that fairly high dose of Depakote?

You take Depakote, which is sedative and some people basically become catatonic on it, and a little Trazodone for sleep.

Most people on this regimen would be very quiet. So my issue with your post is that you are attributing your quiet personality to, well, personality, whereas it might be the effect of long term sedation by meds.

Your combo makes me suspect that you pdoc is satisfied with your being always in a low grade depression because such patients are not squeaky wheels.