[Perfectllyflawed]

I joined this group because I felt this strong need to find people like me, beautiful people who go through the heartbreaking feelings, emotions, and craziness (I don't mean this as an insult) I just wanted to take a moment to really reflect on myself, though maybe no one will read this, and it's okay. I'm the type that just needs to write it out. I suppose I didn't want to feel alone in this horrible disease I deal with (Bi Polar II and including alcoholism) I feel as if I look out the window and the outside world is something I can never reach. I feel secluded and alone, that this window holds the life I so desperately ache to have. You see the people and children out there running and playing and loving one another. It's like no matter how hard I try to break the glass between my life now, and the life I want to live, it never shatters, it's a clear vision of the life that anyone is longing to have yet I can't reach it.

I continue to look through this window as if suddenly I will change, that suddenly my diseased mind will fade away. But it's not that easy. I feel this ache deep in my chest. This huge ball of emotion that I cannot for the life of me explain. That these ridiculous tears that I cannot stop are holding my back. But I suddenly realize that it isn't something that will just stop. It's something I will live with forever, and it hurts me so much. This pain and ache in myself hurts so much. I take the medication, I talk to the therapist, I talk to my family, my fiance. But no matter how hard I try this feeling never leaves, this horrible person that is myself is always there, laughing and taunting me, saying "You must obey my every order, you must do as I ask." This is the madness inside me and I hate her so much, even on good days the madness is in the back of my mind, trying to ruin it all.

I am an alcoholic. I hide it around the house, I promised my fiance after I had left the mental facility that I would "never drink again" I didn't realize at the time how much of a horrible, big fat lie that was. I never meant to lie, but maybe I really did lie to not show how much I was addicted, how much I needed alcohol to survive. How much it numbed that pain. That when I was completely hammered I didn't see the huge ugly scars on my wrists, the scars I carved into my skin just to feel, just to live, just to slightly understand this horrible world I live in. I look at this scars and I see that sad little girl I used to be until my innocence was brutally and abusively taken away from me when I was 13 years old. I know I have no excuses for hurting the loved ones around me, how much my fiance, Nic has been hurt from my disgusting disease. All the wonderful friends I have lost.

He found me tonight trying to hide so desperately that I was completely wasted. That I knew if he caught me he wouldn't forgive me yet again for hurting him so much. I wear this ring because I feel so much love and respect for this man, yet... yet I hurt him so much because why? Because I am in pain? How is that fair? He told me to leave, and I did.

Are you strong enough to stand, protecting both your heart and mine? Who is the betrayer? Who's the killer in the crowd? The one who creeps in corridors and doesn't make a sound? My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball wrapped around your ankles over the waterfall. I'm so heavy, heavy, so heavy in your arms. This will be my last confession. I love you never felt like any blessing. Whispering like it's a secret, only to condemn the one who hears it with a heavy heart. I was a heavy heart to carry, but he never let me down, when he had me in his arms my feet never touched the ground. I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms.

I am just a sad Bi Polar drunk who can't get her life together. I know this is just a bunch of crap that I am writing out. But my point is that I came here for help. I want more than anything to see you all face to face and be able to share our pain, to be able to feel one another hardships. That I can look the beautiful people into the face and feel welcomed and understood. That I found friends after ruining all of my relationships, that I have no one left to understand. I have so much love, yet I hurt the ones around me.. I ruin everything.

I feel that peace is only reached when there is nothing left, that you life has to end before you feel free. I hurt so much, I need so much help, yet everything I've tried to build, all the help I tried to get doesn't work. Sadly I feel that my pills are my last resort, that maybe if I take them all... maybe there will be peace from this horrible pain.

I really hope that all of you are not where I am. You're all so beautiful and magical, and even if I don't know you in real life. I love you all.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, perfectlyflawed! We care about you. I often wish I could see people here face to face, too. There are so many nice folks on this site.

I really wish you could get treatment for your alcoholism. I think it's making your bipolar worse instead of helping. Have you told your therapist about it? Please, please do, dear one. Have you posted in the addiction forum? I do know there are alcoholics here who have not drunk in years. Okay?

[IsabelAmy]

I feel like we have a lot in common. I was also forced into adulthood far too early and it took me a long time to realize how much of myself I lost after that. The best advice normal people always seem to have are to have people in your life you trust and can turn to. What happens when you feel like you've just burnt everyone out, like they shouldn't have to deal with you. This feels especially true when you've been doing really well and then you slide back again. I'm scared of losing friends because I isolate from them so they wont worry, and scared because I think they will have had enough of my problems to where I just become a burden. I wrote this after my first major psychotic break when things started to clear. It reminds me of your sentence about losing innocence:
How did I let it get this bad without noticing. My head feels like a Hoarders house, disorderly, chaotic, the logical connections not being made. I'm afraid there may be a roomful of metaphorical dead cats buried in their own filth behind one of these doors. And I'm scared. I'm afraid of what I haven't been able to see for so long. I feel like one of those kids you see so rarely on the news that was kidnapped when they were 4, and by some sheer streak of luck they were recovered 12 years later, nearly an adult. They always have this blank look on their face, not relief, or fear, but just wide-eyed confusion and I think they must be thinking "I was missing? How could I have been missing? I've been right here.". I feel like that kid, I just realized Ive been gone, I'm just not sure for how long. Has it been years? Just a couple of weeks?

[cookieM]

I have often sit by the window of my apartment looking out, wanting to be there,but not knowing how to get there. Day after day I would stare out at the world moving about thinking to myself why? can't I do that. what keeps me locked up inside. It would be years before I learned the way out. I must be honest I asked God to help me get out and He did. Slowly the people who had the answers were introduced to me. Thank God I got out and I know He will help you to. It's been along journey I started when I was 27, Now I am 51. I take medicine, I work a part time job. I still struggle daily but I"m thankful I'm out amongst people who understand me instead of being stuck at the window.