Where am I? (mood charting…kind of)

Over the years, I've mood charted fairly regularly, with spells of going off track. For me, they are very useful in time recollection (otherwise I have no idea when anything happened or how long it went on). When in a spell of non-charting, I'll have flashes that I really should be. There have also been times when BF "suggested" I re-start (no doubt hoping for my enlightenment that things have been worse as a pattern than my overly in-the-moment brain realizes).

But lately (and certainly not for the first time), I've fallen off doing it because of serious doubt that I have any kind of accurate perception of where I am. I've been told I have good insight, but…. I dunno. Sure, I can usually tell situational from endogenous when things go wonky, but where on the wonky map I am isn't always as easy to figure. Though I hadn't brought it up, the other night BF was describing one of my manic-y traits. Not only did I not recognize that there was a pattern of this thing happening mood-congruently, but if you'd asked me when this trait happens, I'd have guessed depressed(!)

Now, if I'm really depressed, or bouncing off the walls, I know it. But there's a whole lot that proves elusive in defining. I suspect this is because there's quite a bit of dysphoric (hypo)mania or agitated depression going on. (I know people often do, but I don't want to called this mixed. After having actually experienced a long and true mixed episode, I just can't. Hell is hell. Anything short of that, no. It'd be misrepresentation. Overstatement.)

Despite not being at either extreme, it's not "normal" either. (Definitely not.)

It's like a blackout on the radar. A compass gone twirly. At an appointment, "So, how are you doing?". Brain tumbleweeds and silence. No idea.

To those that can relate to this…. any tips for getting a reading on my bearings? Determining where I am? Any tips for (self-) recognizing when it is happening?

I use an app called imoodjournal. Helps me see where I'm at because when I'm cycling I don't realize how much etc

Ahhh .. Honestly I have a friend on here that we type back and forth daily .. She will catch something "off" with me before I really "notice" and my Dog ..If he is glued to me then its a given that something is about to happen .

Im low tech I guess LOL

I don't track my moods, never have, but I think I should start. I know what you're saying. My best friend noticed something that my long time (15 years) pdoc and I never did: I tend to get hypomanic in the Fall. I can see it now that she pointed it out.

Don't know the answer, but my sense is that our own perceptions are also important. No one else knows how feel inside, they can only see our behavior.

SA

It helps me greatly! The app has an alarm that goes off up to 3 times a day, however you set it. My sound is a rooster! ha! My pdoc looks at it each time and it helps her get a look at how Ive been doing since sometimes everything runs together and I don't really know how to explain how Ive been. Rapid cycling sucks.

Sound is a rooster, lol! Thanks, guys -- I will try to get back later to make a proper post (I'm getting the hairy eyeball over being on computer atm.)

You know, I'm really thinking I need to get back to charting, even when I can't "place" what state I'm in. Lately, med forgetting, sleep disruptions, and some IRL stuff that ranges from surreal to downright stressful are undoubtedly worth charting just for their own sakes. There has been this rather strange thought/compulsion that's cropped up. I KNOW it's odd (for sure it would not come to an untroubled mind), and haven't followed through, but WTH is up with it, you know? I think I remember when it started, but…. and see, there's the thing-- if it were written down, I could know for sure.

Very true. In fact, the above is a perfect example. No one else has the remotest clue I'm thinking this thing. It's just too weird to be thought of. Even if done, it's quite unlikely to be noticed. (The initial form most likely would, but I've dialed it back because I'd hate to have to explain it.) But if it were… it would bring a response of "WTF?!" for sure. (It's not dangerous or pervy or anything like that.) The general observable behavior indicating the feelings that seem to be driving might be discernible to another, but there's no way they'd extrapolate from that information to the same place I actually am. Not sure that even makes sense.

It's probably a good idea to expand the written comments area. They're useless for "at-a-glance" assessment, but damn, it's so hard to reduce things to numbers and stuff sometimes.

I don't know but I totally relate. I make all kinds if different markings and notes on my mood chart rather than just a check. Just for me to remember somehow. At times i have just kept running notes like

10/3 pm
off, clingy feeling. jagged edges. hate it. want to drink.

10/4 am
had a blip of feeling really awesome and connected and happy but now just exhausted and super sensitive.

etc something like that. it helps me track over time and in an episode. the notes help me remember much more what exactly i was feeling. Also it is nice to express my crappy feelings

But i feel a lot of the time like I am not "up" or "down" but still not "baseline". It is way more complicated than that. So I try to find different ways to describe it for myself. words I have used are "off", "weird", "jagged", "raw", "tilting", "spiraling", etc etc etc and when all else fails I just tell my husband I am feeling all Bipolar.

And I relate to yours! It's almost like a kind of abbreviated combination of mood chart and journal, yeah? (MUCH abbreviated, as in journaling, I go on for pages and pages. And pages. )
And yes -- key words! There are certain terms that just come to mind in various states that seem a good fit, at least as much as words can. A couple of my favorites (NOT favorite states(!) just as descriptions of)..."dominoes in a blender" (thoughts are whirling around, each dependent on another which way they fall… "but if… but if… but if. I can name 1001 variations of possibilities, but I can't settle on what I think or make a decision AT ALL. WAAAY too much input.). "Goldfish in a piranha pond". Under siege from what seems like the whole world. A very lonely and scary place. "Howling into the void" -- very intensely forlorn and beyond crying. Etc.

So know what you mean in feeling so compelled to TRY to express in words what you're feeling. Even if only for yourself. Because, though of course there can be new states/feelings, so many repeat themselves that it's nice to have a word/words to "name" it. Very helpful for recognizing them too. Like how recognizing an episode near the start can make it easier to get back on track, because one is not so far from the track yet.

Made a few quick notes today about ways to update the DIY chart. One of the main things was to leave more room for words.

Yes! And I really love hearing other people's descriptions and thinking "Yes! That is exactly what I have felt like!"

Oooooh, now there's a great idea for a thread! There must a whole BUNCH everyone here uses -- it'd probably turn up some handy ones for those states that others of us haven't been able to come up with one for!
Thanks, Capriciousness!