[ozzy1313]

In college I would occasionally self harm when I was mad at myself/felt guilty about something. I don't think I have done it in about 17 years (I'm 38). Recently I cheated on my husband and felt the need to punish myself, so I did. And again a week ago I was having a severe break down moment and did it again.

I have also been purging again (another thing I haven't done since college). I feel so stupid reverting back to childhood coping mechanisms.

I showed my husband the marks to prove to him that I am NOT ok. He told me I am too old to be doing that cutting ****. I am too old for this. Ugh.

Any other people here have old habits that pop up much later in life?

[Sprite22]

I don't self harm, but I do relate to old child hood habits. I hope you find help before it is to late...take care.

[Capriciousness]

I need to say the whole thing about have you called your pdoc and gotten help. If not you need to do this.

I can relate. I also did a lot of purging in college. And though I don't think I have done it again (some moments get blurry shrug) the temptation at bad times is extremely powerful. I have never cut or anything like that although the thoughts have flitted through my mind.

In my last really bad crash I actually started smoking for the first time in my life. For me it was not about self medicating it was about wanting to hurt myself and that seemed like the best most invisible way. So I felt ridiculous for starting up a new horrible habit.

Bipolar is ridiculous. It makes perfect sense to me that you have reverted to old dam going behaviors. The fact that you haven't done it in so long and your brain has taken you back to that place is very alarming and you need to run not walk to get help. It sounds like you have a real episode coming on if not on already. You can do it. Don't just rely on willpower to not do it again. Get some help. I wish your husband was being more supportive but you still need to find other support. Call your doc. Go to a support group. Come here.

[ozzy1313]

I see my therapist today, but quite frankly I'd prefer to do nothing and just let it ride out.

[HALLIEBETH87]

If youre choosing to "do nothing and just let it ride out"......it might take longer to feel better. Just being honest. I relapsed last week and self-harmed. I will have to get guidance for it this week. Its a must or it will become a habit (again)

[Ducktapetherapy]

There is nothing wrong with being open and asking for help. You can still be proud of the 15 years of not doing this, it's important to learn how to stand up again after we fall. A good counselor makes all the difference.

~Ducktapetherapy77

[~Christina]

Im 47 and have been self harm free for 18 months .. This is something I have done on and off my whole life... Its a crutch, Its punishment but it also brings moments of feeling great, gotta love endorphines.. Sure you can wait and let it go on ... It will only make it harder to quit the longer you indulge .

I hope you reach out for help , just keep your cuts very clean.

[Victoria'smom]

Please please get help now. My ED loves to rear it's head when manic. I've spat water in my husband 's face after not eating for 2 days because I didn't feel like swallowing. I only self harm when delusionsal. You already said you cheated and that can be a sign of mania.

My husband and I were laying in bed and he saw the scars from last time I had a bad episode. He was tracing them and asking me a bunch of questions about how I was thinking at the time. People who don't have experience with it don't understand. It's like watching a person holding there breath until they pass out and doing it again once they woke up.

[Sillywabbit]

I completely understand the pain, guilt and shame you are feeling. Last year during my Mania spree I found myself cheating on my husband. Just a completely different person. I put myself through so much physically and emotionally trying to figure out why I would do that (this is before I was diagnosed) and even still I question why I would've done that. But self harming, which I do, is not the answer and won't make the situation go away. Please don't hurt yourself, there are other ways to deal with those horrible feelings. I am here if you want to talk

[Crazy Hitch]

I think you're not yourself at the moment and you need a good, positive support system whilst you are going through this phase.

Many things can trigger us into self harming behavior when we feel in turmoil and don't have a hold on our emotions.

I purged in university but haven't quite got past the self harm just yet. It manifests it's ugly head when I'm under a great deal of emotional distress. Like when I lost my job a month ago I couldn't help but punish myself.

You are not alone but you do need professional guidance.

Be safe.

[ozzy1313]

Thank you all for your posts