[LastQuestion]

I notice that I often laugh when I know I inside I want to cry. For some reason I just don't know how anymore. Strangely, it's not part of any mood cycle, just psychological stress and triggers leading my mind into depression.

A few nights ago this got out of control to where I got out of bed, dressed, and went outside intending to kill myself, but I just stood there in indicision - I could not decide which bridge/building to jump off of.

So I was standing there in the cool autumn air, very tired, sedated by benzos, unsteady on my feet, my muscles so untensed that my body was kind of collapsed in an upright slump, and ready to die, except I couldn't decide which direction to start walking. The glow of the streetlights seemed to grow in intensity and then dim, my focus on the branches of a nearby tree swimming in and out of focus. I knew what was going on, had known it before I put my shoes on, just hadn't realized how bad it was - I had multiple system depressants stacked on each other. It explained the intensity of the depressive aspect, the indecision, the changes in lighting and focus, but I didn't care and in fact found it all amusing.

I don't know for how long I stood there trying decide where to go, but eventually my body became too tired to continue standing so I went inside and curled up on the floor expecting to easily fall asleep, but apparently I was too tired for that too. So I laughed. I laughed at how the sleep med I was prescribed now causes insomnia and predisposes me to depressive thoughts. I laughed at how it makes the desire to commit suicide so profound and yet is so sedating that it inhibits my ability to make the logistical decisions required to commit suicide. I laughed at the thought of going somewhere for help since the last time I accepted help led directly to this living hell. I laughed at a world which is not only indifferent to my suffering, but seems eager to increase it, as if inimical to my well-being.

So I laughed.

Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ha...

[Tucson]

I think this is a very healthy thing to be able to do. IMO this demonstrates your sanity.

[Justugh]

Originally Posted by LastQuestion

I notice that I often laugh when I know I inside I want to cry. For some reason I just don't know how anymore. Strangely, it's not part of any mood cycle, just psychological stress and triggers leading my mind into depression.

A few nights ago this got out of control to where I got out of bed, dressed, and went outside intending to kill myself, but I just stood there in indicision - I could not decide which bridge/building to jump off of.

So I was standing there in the cool autumn air, very tired, sedated by benzos, unsteady on my feet, my muscles so untensed that my body was kind of collapsed in an upright slump, and ready to die, except I couldn't decide which direction to start walking. The glow of the streetlights seemed to grow in intensity and then dim, my focus on the branches of a nearby tree swimming in and out of focus. I knew what was going on, had known it before I put my shoes on, just hadn't realized how bad it was - I had multiple system depressants stacked on each other. It explained the intensity of the depressive aspect, the indecision, the changes in lighting and focus, but I didn't care and in fact found it all amusing.

I don't know for how long I stood there trying decide where to go, but eventually my body became too tired to continue standing so I went inside and curled up on the floor expecting to easily fall asleep, but apparently I was too tired for that too. So I laughed. I laughed at how the sleep med I was prescribed now causes insomnia and predisposes me to depressive thoughts. I laughed at how it makes the desire to commit suicide so profound and yet is so sedating that it inhibits my ability to make the logistical decisions required to commit suicide. I laughed at the thought of going somewhere for help since the last time I accepted help led directly to this living hell. I laughed at a world which is not only indifferent to my suffering, but seems eager to increase it, as if inimical to my well-being.

So I laughed.

Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ha...

pack a bag with sock underwear a few shirts and pants u do not need a belt for

go to the hospital and asked to see the doctor tell them what u said they will intake u and give u something strong to let u sleep ....when u wake up they will start adjusting the meds for u

going in will get the fastest help possible for u compared to outpatient

your clothes (plain soild color no wild patterns or anything printed on it )
as for the rest of the world call some ppl u know and trust and tell them u are going on a vaction to get head strait so please look in on your stuff while u are away

[sui generis]

Interesting experience and also you write beautifully. I also often laugh when I want to cry etc... After my second suicide attempt I lay in bed and I just started laughing. I couldn't stop for ages, I wasn't even sure why I was laughing. Maybe I was laughing at the absurdity of it all.

Anyway, how are you feeling now? Are you seeing a T at the moment? I'm quite worried for you, sounds like you're in a bad space

[LastQuestion]

Originally Posted by sui generis

Interesting experience and also you write beautifully. I also often laugh when I want to cry etc... After my second suicide attempt I lay in bed and I just started laughing. I couldn't stop for ages, I wasn't even sure why I was laughing. Maybe I was laughing at the absurdity of it all.

Anyway, how are you feeling now? Are you seeing a T at the moment? I'm quite worried for you, sounds like you're in a bad space

I feel fine when I manage to distract myself from thinking about the things which depress me. The problem is that this is nearly impossible as the primary trigger I have is being kept up at night by other people in the house. It's a complicated psychological issue that becomes too much to cope with, especially when the lack of sleep begins to really wear me down.

I consider seeing a therapist from time to time, even have several possible canidates I believe might be helpful, but I don't see what a therapist could possibly do other than help me figure out if I've developed PTSD due to the chronic stress disrupting my sleep. Even with that confirmation the treatment to remedy it would be the same as I need now: a quiet place to sleep.

The whole situation really is quite absurd. I suppose I laugh because the other option is to become aggressive, destructive, violent - to lash out at the object perceived to cause this threat to my personal welfare. Even if I told the people I live with these things they would respond like they have in the past, dismissive as if I exaggerate my experience and cannot possibly possess the knowledge required to accurately discern what would be an effective treatment.

[jack123]

Have you ever tried seroquel. It is the only way I sleep.

[Tucson]

Apparently compassion and understanding is not their forte. Maybe white noise from something like a fan would help?

[JigssawFeeling]

Whoa, are you a writer? I'm sorry for the way you felt, but darn was it beautiful to read - the way you wrote it!

[LastQuestion]

Originally Posted by jack123

Have you ever tried seroquel. It is the only way I sleep.

I recall being on it in the past, but I'm not interested in anti-psychotics, nor even at a point where I could benefit from them. I'm tired of how anti-depressants and sedatives influence my sleep. I had forgotten what dreams were like until I discontinued Mirtazapine, Trazedone gave me eight stiches and a concussion, Temazepam has been...bad.

[LastQuestion]

Originally Posted by JigssawFeeling

Whoa, are you a writer? I'm sorry for the way you felt, but darn was it beautiful to read - the way you wrote it!

Sometimes I wonder if I could write stuff people would want to read, but since I have so much difficulty focusing, for a variety of reasons, creative writing has been an impractical activity even if I were to do it purely for leisure. I suppose most of my ability to write comes from reading a lot of books, so it's nothing special or remarkable, just another skill someone can develop given enough time and effort.

[sui generis]

Originally Posted by LastQuestion

I feel fine when I manage to distract myself from thinking about the things which depress me. The problem is that this is nearly impossible as the primary trigger I have is being kept up at night by other people in the house. It's a complicated psychological issue that becomes too much to cope with, especially when the lack of sleep begins to really wear me down.

I consider seeing a therapist from time to time, even have several possible canidates I believe might be helpful, but I don't see what a therapist could possibly do other than help me figure out if I've developed PTSD due to the chronic stress disrupting my sleep. Even with that confirmation the treatment to remedy it would be the same as I need now: a quiet place to sleep.

The whole situation really is quite absurd. I suppose I laugh because the other option is to become aggressive, destructive, violent - to lash out at the object perceived to cause this threat to my personal welfare. Even if I told the people I live with these things they would respond like they have in the past, dismissive as if I exaggerate my experience and cannot possibly possess the knowledge required to accurately discern what would be an effective treatment.

I'm having the same problem with therapy. I have no idea what to talk about because my depressions typically come out of no where. I believe it would be useful as I have had traumatic things happen (but again what do I say about that? what is done is done...) but I think I need to find a therapist that is able to lead the therapy and help me to open up. I'm sure there are things in my brain that I could talk about.

It's unfortunate about your living situation, are you able to sit down and discuss this with the people you are living with? Keeping you up at night is disrespectful and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

[Disorder7]

No, I think you should be a writer.
Kurt Cobain and the dude from Green Day have nothing on you!
Don't kill yourself.... WRITE!