Ugly Memories

Lately I’ve been reminiscing about the past; precisely about how my bipolar disorder has really led me to make many bad decisions & lose a lot of treasured friendships, relationships, a marriage, a few jobs, and even jeopardized close family relationships. I hate clinging to the past, & I can’t blame all of my losses on BP. I just hate ruminating about the many things I’ve screwed up over the years. I don’t mean to trivialize PTSD, but there are times when my many failings race through my mind & trigger me in a manner like PTSD…only it’s garbage I’ve done to myself. I’m not looking for excuses; just the opportunity to put the past to rest. Reflection hurts.

that is the sickness

loop thinking getting worst and worst each time around until so bad something snaps and u go manic

first off stuff in the past is just that stuff in the past ...........the only thing u can take from it is the lesson and try never to repeat it again ..........as u are human this will happen still but u are trying sooner or later u get hang of it

as for your past to rest i know of only one thing that does that ..............contact each person and talk to them explain say u are sorry and ask for forgiveness (those that died figure the 10 secs after death they got really smart and everything was known and forgiven ) ......why do u think the AA and NA have this as a step

only other thing got is this ..........u are who u are somethings can be changed somethings can not but until u try u will never know .............look up zen thinking to help break a loop the ?s they ask the loops on that will be calming what designed to do

Sorry you are struggling with past. Hope today was better and tomorrow will be better yet. I think the above response covers anything I could say.

I'm also really sorry you are feeling this way. I also find myself thinking of my psychotic breaks and all the irrational and ridiculous things I did (in a public place) and how I feel my illness has ruined friendships and relationships and I also was let go from my job of 10 years. It's really tough sometimes. All I can try to do is move forward and learn from past mistakes.

I just e-mailed an ex freind and asked for forgiveness. Thank you for your post.

That's too bad that you're going through this worrying about the past. You didn't mention the word guilt, but that's what it sounds like what you're going through and I relate 100%. I spend most of my free-time either feeling guilty over my past or doing things I'll regret when I wake up in the morning.

Another post mentioned that they felt like they had no soul. You do have a caring soul, even if you're only concerned about your own well-being and you're feeling guilty about things you have done to yourself and your mind. I just think in my mind, ok, stop. It's never too late to start over with a clean slate and the longer you go without doing anything to regret, the better you will feel.

I know you can let go of these memories and find some peace.

Thanks for all your responses. I'm a recovering alcoholic, Justugh, so I'm familiar with Step 9. I'm also 53, however, & I could never find everyone I've screwed over or let down over the years. Also, if I'm honest, my depressed & manic episodes have had a lot to do with many of my losses. I'm pissed at bipolar, too.

Anyways, thanks again all.

i have a answer for u then

make a Utube video and say sorry to everyone in that and post it with your name and theirs in it .............if they ever do a search of their own name good chance they will see it

if it makes u feel better u have a much bigger life then me i knew i was messed in the head at the age of 12 so i never had anything other then buddy with benefits........and as for friends and all i have total of 3 plus 2 family members that is it

hope it helps

just rem they might not forgive u so do not push it say your peace and leave to them if they want to start friendship up again

Hi I totally relate to how you feel. Lately I could literally feel the minutes, seconds, hours, and days being sucked away from my life due to Bipolar disorder. I can catalog everything and everyone it has stolen from my life. I hate this disease too. Its not fair.
I am so sorry you feel this way and I wish I had uplifting words of wisdom. All I can say is you are not alone...