[texas.girl93]

My ex husband is now in a relationship. He has been seeing this person for 2 months. We finalized our divorce 2 months ago. He told me that while we were separated (Nov 2013) he has been dating. Like multiple people. I don't know what to think.

We ended on the weirdest way. I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 last Nov. That same week he told me that he wanted out. That he hadnt been happy for over a year, since i had had a pretty bad suicidal point. Up until that time i had never told anyone that i was suicidal. I didnt want people to know. We had been together since we were 17, we are now 34. We grew up together. If there was anyone I thought i could finally tell that I was being plagued by this internal thought that was tearing me apart. He told me that it hurt him so much that for a year he had figured out that he wasnt in love with me anymore. I could tell something was wrong. But he lied. He never said anything until i finally demanded to know what was going on. He said some cruel things that I dont know if ill ever be able to forget. I was hospitalized that week. I was in there for about 5 days. We had a terrible couples counseling session. He would answer my phone calls the next day. We have two children. He decided to leave and take my kids to his parents house almost 4 hrs away. He left me alone in a mental hospital and moved my kids when i had no way to stop him.
In the divorce he held the diagnosis over my head and said that any judge would never give any kind of custody and that if i tried to fight him having the primary caretaker in a joint custody, he would bring up the hospitalization and the diagnosis. So i agreed. I actually thought maybe he was right. It was for the better. He could provide a very stable home, where at that time I thought i could never stabilize. That the kids needed a permanently stable home. Lucky i was able to move to the same city as the kids, and i live with my relative. Im so great full for her support. He divorced me and took my health insurance with him. He knows I need meds. That i need drs help. Didnt matter. The weird thing is that we actually were getting along really well. We had been best friends. We grew up together.
Hes dating someone. He started two months ago. His family knew. I go over and see the kids almost everyday. As i have gotten better i am so much more involved. I feel like the mom i was before everything went black. Im proud of myself. In spite of all that, I picked myself up and registered back in college. It was such a hard process because of financial aid. But i didn't give up. I kept going. Im completing my bachelors in Biology with two minors, Chem and History. Im going to graduate next semester. I have figured out how to continue getting assistance for psych visits and counseling through school, I have gone through the pain of getting prescription help through the drug companies. I just got up and kept going. I stopped drinking alcohol and have lost 60 lbs. Not intentionally but its always a nice perk of meds.
He told me last week that him leaving me was the best thing that could have happened to me, the best thing he could have done for me.
He told me that the kids are going to be going back and forth between our hometown and our new location. He works 24 hrs and he said that his new girlfriend would be taking care of them while he was at work. He said that if i was uncomfortable with that I could drive up there and visit while she was watching the kids, that he was trying to compromise. He said that I dont get to decide where he takes the kids or who he has care for them. He says that anything i worry about is me being paranoid. That im the one out of line. Im the one hurting other people.
The idea of him dating didnt hurt at first. I knew he would. I am surprised that it was really soon after the separation. I am still trying to be good friends with him because we are going to be in each others lives forever. There is no other way to be. I don't love him. I probably stopped during that yr of being ignored.
But now I am so angry with him. Im so angry. Im so mad and all I can think about is that I want to feel something else. To not feel any emotion for him at all. I want to feel anything else that can make me forget. I know with just a bit of time and perspective I will be able to keep going...but what do i do till then. I know this sounds so wrong to even think about, but why was i so easy to leave. Why was it so easy.
Sorry this was so long. Thank you if you got all the way to the end.

[jelly-bean]

I'm very sorry that you are going through a really bad time. There are state welfare medical programs in most all states that would help you get the meds you need. maybe you could qualify for SSDI with your medical records. It's worth a try.

[~Christina]

It's perfectly normal to feel this anger towards him , he left you when you needed support the most. Do you have a Therapist ? If no you should, they can help you walk thru the grieving process, you are grieving the loss of a marriage, and wondering how to get on with your life and kudos to you for getting into college , that is a wonderful accomplishment, be proud.

You will come to a point that your no longer angry at him and the focus will just be on taking care of the children and tending to there needs.

Right now just focus on getting into a good stable place an move on with your life and find happiness.

Welcome to PC

[Crazy Hitch]

You, my friend, are an absolute champion!

I can not believe how much you have accomplished in 1 year.

I am very sorry though for all of the circumstances you've had to hurdle through in order to come out the other side a winner.

You've earned the right to be angry. Wear that tshirt with pride. But. Learn strategies for channeling this anger. Actually, it's one of the four stages in the grieving process. So under your circumstances this is an expected feeling. But you need to move past the anger phase in the grieving process in order to heal.

When there are kids involved I really listen.

Don't take your ex word for it when he says this is a compromise situation.

Compromise means TWO people make the decision.

What do YOU want in terms of working arrangements with your children and access to them and when and where you'd like the access to occur?

Don't allow yourself to be blackmailed.

So what if he brings up your past from one year ago and your diagnosis. That does not make you an unfit parent. You'd have to be found mentally incapable RIGHT NOW in order for that judgment to be made.

And look how far you've come?

What would they have on you! The past? Shame. People move on and get better. You've earned many badges since this situation proving that you are mentally well.

Fight for what you deserve without "fighting" over the kids. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

You are their mother.

End of story.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by texas.girl93

He told me that the kids are going to be going back and forth between our hometown and our new location. He works 24 hrs and he said that his new girlfriend would be taking care of them while he was at work. He said that if i was uncomfortable with that I could drive up there and visit while she was watching the kids, that he was trying to compromise. He said that I dont get to decide where he takes the kids or who he has care for them. He says that anything i worry about is me being paranoid. That im the one out of line. Im the one hurting other people.

You are a true fighter! Well done!

the arrangement your ex H is planning is a bad one. If he works 24 hrs and then, presumably, sleeps, that means that the children will not be seeing their father. They will be cared for by a woman who is completely new to their lives.
It is clear that the current arrangement, with care split between paternal grandparents and the mother, is much better. It also does not involve shuttling the kids back-and-forth. So I would go to court ASAP and fight this. Timing is of the essence - I am in a similar situation myself so I know - and the status quo is something that most judges would uphold. That means that you need to fight this NOW, before it happens, because later, once that routine with the ex' gf is established, your chances will be slim.

Worrying about one's kids being in the care of a complete stranger is not paranoid, nor is it out of line. It is normal, rather.

You did not hurt any other people - being suicidal, you were at risk for SELF, and not at risk of harming others. So he is exploiting your dx. You need to go to legal aid or your school's free legal advice resource and put together a motion to stop that move. That you have been med compliant, seeing the children regularly, and are about to graduate are all factors in your favor, but you need to literally run to legal aid atm.

[hamster-bamster]

PS How old are the kids? Do they go to school or daycare? If they do, do you ever volunteer for the school?

[Justugh]

hi nice texas lady

ummmm sorry about the stuff that happend
your ex sounds like a midlife dumbass ........not your fault .....nothing u did or what u are about / have

it comes down to him .........love is love period it overrides all other emotions and logical thinking it is what makes it love .........after 17 years he fell out of love to him it was not the same as u so those little things that brush off when in love built up until he sawl a method of getting out with him on the winning side

i do not know what the agreement he got u to sign when he had u flipping out but it might be worth u taken to a lawyer telling them what state u were in (as in emotional and mental when u signed it ) they will tell u if it is fair or if the guy did a **** move and if a **** move u might get it changed in court with him using your mental state to control u with fear .....it makes the agreement signed under detress (if u do this u need to be locked down and stable under doctors orders and taken the meds other wise the motion will fail)

as for your health care u are covered under medicaid and public mental health act
https://www.yourtexasbenefits.com/ss...me/ssphome.jsp

this will let u sign up they changed the rules u can make up to 136% of the funds that use to be the cut off limit some like 836 bucks with u going to school odds are u are making under that with lack of hours ............this takes about month to get tho then u have to sign up to a health plan and u will have normal insurance ..........low copay for meds and doctors most of the time free (gas out of pocket)

i hope the info helps u out ........what the guy did was wrong (makes u feel better sooner or later karma will find him payback is 3 times as hard ) get a grip on the issues and do your happy thing ............the best revenge is to live well/ be happy

plus as a ex wife he should be paying u a set amount of money for the rest of your life or until u get married again ............really **** him off get a guy makes u happy never marry and use his money to pay the rent ........yours goes to kiddies and living well

[pink&grey]

You are in a tough situation. Just keep doing what you are doing and it's going to get better. My ex started dating while we were still getting divorced and I was pregnant. It was a very tough time and I was Sooooo angry. He would also act as if I were crazy and that made things harder on me because I spent so much time doubting myself. I went into outpatient to get me through it. While that might not be what you need a steady relationship with a counselor can definitely help you sort through all the emotion and figure out what to do about custody.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Keep going and keep focusing on being the best Mom you can be and eventually things will get easier. Sending peace and strength xxx

[hamster-bamster]

texasgirl,

I sent you a PM a couple days ago - no response. People are posting on your thread - no response from you. I have been and in a large part still am in your shoes, but to an extreme, grotesque extent. I have now reread your post and it makes me so MAD. Just do not take it personally and listen to me because I made all of those mistakes - every single one, except that my ex H apparently is still not dating anyone 5+ years later but in the past I would think about how tough it would be on me when he starts dating, and these ridiculous thoughts consumed my mind, even though for a short while. I now see very well how ridiculous these thoughts were.

Look - he exploited your vulnerable position, convinced you that your position was much weaker than it was in reality, moved the children away from you when you were in a mental hospital and unable to assert your custody rights which you then HAD, and has been doing and is still doing outrageously bad things to you... and you are consumed by thoughts of his starting to date too soon. You did not have a lawyer and were not represented. Ex H is exploitative. You should see it this way, and try to see things very clearly as facts, not clouded by your emotions:

- he held the diagnosis over your head
- so he must have felt that your diagnosis made you less fit for parenting
- but, if the dx and the condition makes you so weak that you cannot parent, that is only MORE reasons and MORE grounds for you to have effective representation by counsel, since somebody who owes you the duty of zealous representation and unlike you is not weak would have protected your rights and advanced your best interests.

So your ex H took two mutually exclusive positions at the same time:

1) for the purposes of signing away your rights and placing yourself at his mercy you were deemed having full decision-making capacity, by him and by the judge

2) for the purposes of custody and visitation, you were deemed lacking capacity by your ex H who convinced you that that was the case and the judge did not overrule him because judges are busy and if ex spouses agree between themselves, it is all good for moving things along on the court calendar.

So that is what your ex H did to you.

That is a very major betrayal; one of the worst types of betrayal.

After he did that, whether he dates or not should not matter to you. Your attempts at being extra cordial with him should also stop, and you need to be very clear on your boundaries and on what you would not tolerate. I would send the ex H a letter tomorrow night and give him a week to either give up his plan and agree to maintain the current arrangement or you will take steps against him. If you log on before tomorrow, we can draft such a letter for you here. But you need to start responding, because you are now probably still in position to reverse the unfair custody order but soon will lose your case due to the statute of limitations. Hopefully this would be a wake up call for you and you will start thinking about truly important matters and claiming your life and rights back. Hope to hear from you very soon.

[*PeaceLily*]

Hey hun.I read the whole post.Hope you're ok

SO tired of hearing that ladies are losing custody of their kids due the stigma of mental health episodes when with appropriate support, they could still be able to parent. That was a really ****** thing for him to threaten to use against you.

I don't blame you for being angry.Why does he think it's ok for some random woman who he has known for 2 months babysitting your kids?? So apparently the woman he has known for 17 years can't be trusted, but this woman he can't possibly know very well in that timeframe can. I don't think you;re being paranoid.I don't think you're 'crazy' at all.

Some of the things he's doing are just plain selfish and I would go as far to say abusive, such as: taking your health insurance when you need meds, telling you he would use your diagnosis against you if wouldn't go along with him being primary caretaker. That's messed up.

Personally, I don't think you should try to be good friends with him. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not a crime to be suicidal. I think he has some issues of his own- I don't think it's that you were easy to leave. I think someone who makes their significant other's suicidality all about them would probably leave any situation when the going got tough.

xxx

[newtothis31]

you are so strong, texas girl! don't let your ex use your illness against you. you should be so proud of how far you've come!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by *PeaceLily*

Hey hun.I read the whole post.Hope you're ok

SO tired of hearing that ladies are losing custody of their kids due the stigma of mental health episodes when with appropriate support, they could still be able to parent. That was a really ****** thing for him to threaten to use against you.

This is actually not the case of ladies' losing custody of their kids due to the stigma of mental health episodes.

There ARE such cases - do not get me wrong and I am not disputing that there is stigma, but THIS CASE is NOT THAT.

This case, and mine, is about men who, as you said, threatened to use mental illness against the women and those threats were effective.

We can talk about stigma if a mentally ill mother has engaged an appropriately zealous lawyer who presented how well the mother can parent with appropriate support, and the judge overrode the best arguments by qualified counsel and ruled in favor of the man simply because of the mother's dx. That would be stigma at play in our family courthouses. And, once again, I am not saying that it does not happen - I am saying that in this case the man INTIMIDATED the woman into giving up custody without fighting because he threatened her very successfully and she believed him that the judge would rule in his favor.

I think, and may start a petition for this, that mentally ill parties to custody disputes should not be allowed to go in pro per in court and should be given free attorney if they cannot afford one, provided that the other party is using the mental illness as a way to get what they want. If they do not mention mental illness as a parenting weakness, it fine for the mentally ill to go unrepresented, but if mental illness is used as a negative factor to justify removal of custody, the mentally ill person ought to be represented. Otherwise it is just plain horrible - the disparity, injustice, despair...

And it is a systemic issue and I simply cannot see why the courts assign free counsel to criminal defendants who cannot afford hiring an attorney, but look the other way when mothers lose their custody and visitation rights without representation. Why is losing custody of one's children less important than fighting criminal charges? I have not seen my daughters for two years - not at all - between 2009 and 2012 I saw them sporadically and always in the presence of their dad, so I could not really be relaxed and my normal self with it. So basically 5 years of not parenting them. If I were offered to go back in time, spend half of those 5 years in jail, but after leaving the jail get my custody rights back, I would have opted for that kind of "trade".Oh well, sorry for the rant...

[Justugh]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

This is actually not the case of ladies' losing custody of their kids due to the stigma of mental health episodes.

There ARE such cases - do not get me wrong and I am not disputing that there is stigma, but THIS CASE is NOT THAT.

This case, and mine, is about men who, as you said, threatened to use mental illness against the women and those threats were effective.

We can talk about stigma if a mentally ill mother has engaged an appropriately zealous lawyer who presented how well the mother can parent with appropriate support, and the judge overrode the best arguments by qualified counsel and ruled in favor of the man simply because of the mother's dx. That would be stigma at play in our family courthouses. And, once again, I am not saying that it does not happen - I am saying that in this case the man INTIMIDATED the woman into giving up custody without fighting because he threatened her very successfully and she believed him that the judge would rule in his favor.

I think, and may start a petition for this, that mentally ill parties to custody disputes should not be allowed to go in pro per in court and should be given free attorney if they cannot afford one, provided that the other party is using the mental illness as a way to get what they want. If they do not mention mental illness as a parenting weakness, it fine for the mentally ill to go unrepresented, but if mental illness is used as a negative factor to justify removal of custody, the mentally ill person ought to be represented. Otherwise it is just plain horrible - the disparity, injustice, despair...

And it is a systemic issue and I simply cannot see why the courts assign free counsel to criminal defendants who cannot afford hiring an attorney, but look the other way when mothers lose their custody and visitation rights without representation. Why is losing custody of one's children less important than fighting criminal charges? I have not seen my daughters for two years - not at all - between 2009 and 2012 I saw them sporadically and always in the presence of their dad, so I could not really be relaxed and my normal self with it. So basically 5 years of not parenting them. If I were offered to go back in time, spend half of those 5 years in jail, but after leaving the jail get my custody rights back, I would have opted for that kind of "trade".Oh well, sorry for the rant...

u have the right to refile the paperwork and have it modified unless u completely signed away your rights as a parent ...........a decent lawyer will work the system for u and twist things around into your favor

i am currently facing 5 years in prison because i had one of those vape pens in a state they do not count weed as medical use .........but the sheer fact is the vape pen is not illegal (it is not one of the illegal drugs under the wording of the law) because of that fact my case is getting thrown out ..........once the case is thrown out i then can sue this women that lied to the cops saying i was selling it ( i am going after her for 50k and see if i can file a report and have her locked up for filing a false police report for 2 years )

[*PeaceLily*]

^^^
I see what you're saying.I meant it as in that the stigma of mental illness caused her to give up custody. I didn't mean it in the legal sense. I meant that she effectively lost custody because of his threat of using the stigma against her.If mental illness had no stigma, it couldn't have been used as a threat. I do get that it's the man in this situation who did this, but the stigma of mental illness..particularly female mental illness allows them to play that card. My father threatened the same if my mother left him- that he would make sure she'd never see the kids again. Sadly this stigma is very real in the legal system, at least it was for me. My father used my mental health record to get away with violence towards me, and succeeded

I totally agree about mothers at risk of losing custody of kids as warranting free representation.I'm pretty certain it does where I live. So sorry to hear of your situations.

xxx

[Justugh]

oh yah

the guy did a horrible move ........he tricked her into what he wanted using fear ....this is the definition under duress (looked it up)
Signing Under Duress: When Does it Render a Contract Void? | LawGuru.com

with her in the middle of a mental break a good lawyer will bend her ex over and give him a good ramming .....then the court system ........then her when she refiles for everything and this time she is OK not freaking out and a decent lawyer has attached to it (lawyer will get paid by winning the case and taken part of settlement )

the proof is already there in her medical records and billing statements ............i was a little shocked her own lawyer did not bring this fact up ...........this can also be anouther motion for the good lawyer to use in readjusting the court ruling (the court will be pissed at her ex and her old lawyer )

nice lady from the uk .........u only think he got away with it trust me did not only delayed punishment and made it worst for self later ............karma is real the universe is always seeking to find balance just takes time

as for the stigma that is dying due to all the famous ppl dying and killing them self from some issue they were having ......at least here in the states it is turning into the new gay (how ppl got be hide helping gays feel ok come out and get married they are doing with mental issues ) .......it is thanks to all the school shootings and robin williams other famous ppl dying and admitting they have troubles (everyone in the world loved robin williams for one of the roles he played .........they wish they knew him / friends with the guy so he really helped kill the crazy homeless person stigma about mental issues) ........the school shootings are kids cracking under stress (the hope and joy of the new part of the world.....we die they replace us and run everything thinking ) .....few more months maybe 2 years mental illness will be the new cool thing to take up cause / have /fund raise for

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Justugh

u have the right to refile the paperwork and have it modified unless u completely signed away your rights as a parent ...........a decent lawyer will work the system for u and twist things around into your favor

i am currently facing 5 years in prison because i had one of those vape pens in a state they do not count weed as medical use .........but the sheer fact is the vape pen is not illegal (it is not one of the illegal drugs under the wording of the law) because of that fact my case is getting thrown out ..........once the case is thrown out i then can sue this women that lied to the cops saying i was selling it ( i am going after her for 50k and see if i can file a report and have her locked up for filing a false police report for 2 years )

I hope you succeed!

I am out of the statute of limitations because I signed away all my rights and was left only with the obligation to pay child support 5 years ago. The statute of limitations is 6 months. That is why I am trying to pound on the OP to get going with legal aid!!! I know what I am talking about and it pains me to see her wasting her time.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by *PeaceLily*

^^^
I see what you're saying.I meant it as in that the stigma of mental illness caused her to give up custody. I didn't mean it in the legal sense. I meant that she effectively lost custody because of his threat of using the stigma against her.If mental illness had no stigma, it couldn't have been used as a threat. I do get that it's the man in this situation who did this, but the stigma of mental illness..particularly female mental illness allows them to play that card. My father threatened the same if my mother left him- that he would make sure she'd never see the kids again. Sadly this stigma is very real in the legal system, at least it was for me. My father used my mental health record to get away with violence towards me, and succeeded

I totally agree about mothers at risk of losing custody of kids as warranting free representation.I'm pretty certain it does where I live. So sorry to hear of your situations.

xxx

Thank you! Yes, I see your point too - if there were no stigma in the first place, it would not be so very easy to intimidate and threaten. That women get easily persuaded that the judge will not deem them fit for mothering due to MI is a direct effect of the stigma. Definitely.

You are in the UK - glad to hear that you have court rules that are more fair and more humane and we have here.