[ChaoticSymphony]

I was drinking heavily. Perhaps in my attempt to keep order I went a little OCD and would take dishes out of the dishwasher and wash them by hand. Sometimes taking all the dishes out of the cupboard and washing them as well. It was so out of character but I absolutely loved it, in a nervous kind of way.

As the night progressed I'd feel so out of control emotionally and ended up cutting my wrists but after watching it bleed get scared and go get stitched up. I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live, if that makes sense. This was on repeat for several weeks.

This all happened after it was decided we were going to move out of the city and into small town living. I was so nervous about it all but still excited for a change and chance for my kids to live the way I did in a small town, it's freedom and safety was appealing.

Was that a mixed thing or hypo thing?

[~Christina]

Sounds like a freak out to me .. You were going to move and found ways to self soothe until you couldnt anymore and cut your wrists.. what did the ER do about seeing the cuts?

[Justugh]

what she said .......it is all about control over your area and with the move u really have none until it is done and new patterns are set

as for the cleaning not sure ocd i seen alot of ppl do it because it allows their mind to just be in the act of washing the dish and not on what was looping in the head ........it is a old trick i even tried using it for a job was my fav work out of everything i ever attempted

u need to vent in a controlled manner ..........like your shower in the morning or at night take control over it turn that into a routine that u can repeat anywhere even hotel .....u can do this with alot of things ........it gives u a sense of control and normal over the madness going on around u

[Crazy Hitch]

It sounds to me like you felt a lack of control over your situation. With bpd being your primary health concern listed, I can understand this. You loved washing and re washing things because you had control over the situation. You weren't washing them because you thought they were dirty or had germs on them.

Being emotionally out of control. Tick bpd for that.

Self harm. Double tick bpd for that one. Yip. Totally get you didn't want to die. Your emotions are just trapped and looking for an outlet.

Safety? Triple check. That's bpd too.

Look, I have said all of the above out of my own personal experiences with both bipolar and borderline.

I'm not really viewing any of your behavior as hypo (remember I'm not medically assessing you).

I think it's your bpd Black and White All or Nothing popping through.

Have you ever had a diagnosis of bipolar?

[ChaoticSymphony]

Yes cyclothymia but when I got it he said I don't show signs of bpd. Or at least don't anymore. I have to agree as this question is from many years ago. 5 actually. And I only identify with the hyper sexuality and spending plus anger sometimes now.

During this same period I did wrack up my credit cards as well as sleepless nights that my body felt tired ie: my eyes and neck but my mind was normal. Not sure if that qualified for the sleep thing with bp