[PondLife]

Okay, so I am 36 and I finally feel like I can see the world around me. The endless possibilities and the happiness there is for me. I still get sad more often than not when I think of all of those years I wasted being insecure and withdrawn. It's funny though, I am still very insecure and withdrawn, but I feel like my eyes have just opened. I actually laugh out loud when watching comedies and cry at the sad parts in books and movies, I never did these things before. It's like there is a whole new world out there for me.

I technically diagnosed bi-polar at the age of 11, they said I showed all the signs but back then they said it was not possible for someone so young to be bi-polar ( I keep asking myself how it's possible that some disorder just magically kicks in when you're 21 and never before, I guess they figured that out). I have been on meds since then, oh so many different meds, I can't even remember all of them. I do remember that at 11 I was on 100mg of prozac a day. It didn't help, my mom constantly yelled at me for not taking my pills because I was not acting any different, but I was taking my pills I wanted to be better, I always have.

I used to hurt myself, and when my step-father yelled at my I would bite my arm so hard I would bleed, no one understood this, I can't explain the biting really, only that maybe it was because I my step-father constantly told me I was nothing, worthless and unwanted, and I wanted someone, anyone to see the pain it was causing me, he only did it when no one else was around so no one believed that he really was hurting me. Those who did believe that he said those tings could never really understand the [pain I constantly felt inside. So I would cut and bite to show that I was feeling the pain, but they still did not understand.

When I was 12 my mom put me in a hospital, it was a horrible place and they locked me in a little room that was the size of a closet with only the cold tile floor to sit on, they came by occasionally to make sure I hadn't gone to sleep, it wasn't allowed. I was in there all day and the only reason I got out was because my mom found out what they had done and came and got me. To this day I am claustrophobic.

There is so much to my story and i have never felt that I can tell anyone, and I couldn't journal about it because my mother and brother would read them and confront me about the "lies" I was making up. I want to just keep going right now and get it all out, but I doubt a post would hold so much. Hopefully I can finally get it all out and I will feel better. I feel a little better every time I get someone to see what I went through was real. I know I will never get my mom to see it, she says I should get over it, I was just a kid. But I am sure most of you know that words can last oh, so, much longer than cuts and the can wound so much deeper. Maybe i should start an anonymous blog, and just hope that people will read it. The way i've been feeling I have hope now that that's possible.

That's it actually, I just realized it as I was typing that last sentence I had an epiphany, I feel HOPE, something I have never really felt until now.

I will keep going but not right now, my fingers are getting tired and I am having a hard time seeing through my tears.

[Crazy Hitch]

Thank you for sharing this part of you.

[PondLife]

So, it's a couple of hours later now, and the sun is coming up, I tried to go get at least an hour of sleep before my son wakes up, but my mind won't shut off. I am very obviously manic right now, I have been for a few days, I think it's peaking. I don't want to crash, I want to keep the feeling I had when I wrote the end of the above post. I need to feel that anything is possible, that there is still time for great things to happen. When I tell people that I want to be happy, for some reason I tell them that I pray to be so, but that can't be you see I don't believe there is a god I want to, but how can I when there is so much suffering, when I have had to fight a war with myself to stay alive and some days just to keep breathing. It gets so hard. At moments when I need to block out the madness in my head I turn to movies, television, books and music these are the only things that get me through, and it may be corny but when it hurts so bad that i can't breathe I remember Tom Hank's speech to the radio therapist in the movie Sleepless in Seattle "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." It actually helps, lyrics, and quotes, they seem to get me by. I know this is all so disjointed and maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone else but me, but this is all coming straight out of my head, it's what I need to get out. I can feel a little ball of pain in my heart trying to get bigger, just looking for that little bit of guilt, to turn that little snowball into an avalanche that will crush me. And maybe, just maybe if one day, I get all the words out I will feel better. For now I am going to try my best to write every day and keep this particular wolf at bay. I just need to keep telling myself I'm okay, life is never going to be easy for me but I need to struggle through the bad times to make it to the good, just like the Doctor said "The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." I feel a little better now. (That was a Doctor Who quote by the way.)

[JumpingJacks]

Thanks for sharing. You were talking about movies and tv and I was watching The Amazing Race the other day and the girl yelled "Why is this so hard?" She was in a foreign country where no one spoke English looking for an arrow sign to the next place and she was lost going around in circles asking people for directions and no one understood her. I was going to bed that night and her little southern voice popped in my head "Why is this so hard?" and I busted out laughing. That is us. We are stuck in a foreign country lost with bipolar disorder and no one gets why it is so hard for us because they don't speak the language! But then I thought about psych central and this place is like finding a friend who speaks English. Hope it helps you out. Maybe you should call your doc. Sounds like you might need a med change.

[PondLife]

Originally Posted by JumpingJacks

That is us. We are stuck in a foreign country lost with bipolar disorder and no one gets why it is so hard for us because they don't speak the language!

That is exactly how I feel, I am optimistic at the moment having found this place, I think it is going to help me a lot. I also think you are right about the meds, I am having the feeling I describe to people as "I want to run around, jump up and down, and chase my tail." On the bright side, I know my house will get clean today.

[wiretwister]

with the help of a t I have found many of my issues and the way I am come from my mother and the way she treated me when I was very little,, I also escape into movies,, I wish you all the love and hope I can,, be strong and keep posting,, pour out your hurts and pain we are here for you....pc is a wonderful place ..welcome and best wishes.

get out their and enjoy yourself.

what an inspirational post

[PondLife]

I'm actually having a bad day today. I am feeling very alone. I have a few people who really care about me but only my mom and dad really understand what I am feeling right now and there is nothing they can do about it. My friends are kind of upset because they think I am ignoring them. I don't know how to explain what I am going through.

I don't like it when people touch me, i don't hug my friends, it feels awkward to me, but right now I need to be held, not only that I want to be kissed and cherished and do the same in return.

I have horrid luck with online dating sites, the first time I tried one it matched me with my brother, whose profile was all lies. After I separated from my husband the site I was on matched me with him, I had no idea how bad his cheating really had been. Then a friend of mine convinced me to try the site she found her boyfriend on, I got a response from a guy who thought I was his guy friend dressed in drag.

Then there is the esteem problem, I look at someone who shows interest in me and am immediately turned off by the voice in the back of my head that says "Why would you want to be with someone who wants you?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about living my life with gusto and all, I even started writing a novel I had in mind. I just don't want to be alone anymore.

[Crazy Hitch]

We all have our ups and some downs with those little things that can cloud us sometimes.

If they're your friends, they will still be there for you once you transition through this.

Online dating sites. I've heard plenty of horrid stories about those. You just don't know who is lurking behind the scenes. It can be a bit creepy.

I hope that you can work through your esteem issues. I get this too. It's a tough one.

Distract yourself by writing a bit more in your novel.

I hope tomorrow is a better one for you.