so hard to keep up strength

I'm tired of this depression. It will lift for a bit and even within hours it is back. I exercise, I eat pretty much healthy, I go to work, I take my meds, etc. I have 2 kids and a husband and parents who need me here. They love me and I cannot hurt them by leaving. I don't know what to do. I am so irritable when they are around- all I do is yell and when I am able to I isolate so that I don't hurt them more by things I say. I convince myself they are still better off with an angry mom than no mom, but this is so hard.

Last night the irritability and aggression I was feeling was awful. I felt it everywhere in my body. Like my insides were a twisted mess and my skin was crawling and I just wanted to hurt something or someone. I kept away from everyone and read a book and was able to calm down some. Today that is better but now I'm just sad.

I'm not even depressed about anything. I like myself, I have a good family, but none of that matters. American Horror Story finale is on tonight- I guess that's enough to keep me going today (have to find out what happens to the twins

Until then I will cry and lay on the couch and feel dead and empty inside

I never should have had kids. I am a crappy mom and don't enjoy being one. They are great kids and deserve a loving and kind mom. Thank god they have a great dad. I constantly feel like I am ruining their lives and my husband's. They shouldn't have to put up w me. They deserve so much better

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ozzy1313 it sounds like your MI is telling you lies. You are needed, wanted and valuable to your family. It doesn't sound like your meds are working or maybe they have pooped out. May be time to see your pdoc again. My heart goes out to you, I have felt like that many times that my family would be better off without me. It is a symptom of your depression. Hugs

Thank you so much for your kind words- they made me cry. I did pull myself up off the couch and went to the gym for boot camp. It was the last thing I wanted to do and I am back in a crappy mood, but at least for that one hour I was at peace with myself.